We have collected funny crime stories, featuring lawyers, bank
robbers and court proceedings. As usual we have tremendous
variety, not only in the topics, but through the medium of pictures,
video and of course text. We hope you find and amusing crime story
to suit your mood.
- Funny Bank Robberies
- Bungling Burglars
- Funny Bungled Robbery Stories
- Stupid Criminals
- Crime Swindles
- Funny Lawyer Jokes and Stories
- Stupid Lawyers Jokes
- Funny Courtroom Exchanges
- Credit Crunch Jokes
- Funny Identity Theft
- Funny Money
- Dog and Cat
Foil Robbery - New Ways of Making Money
Other Joke Sections
Funny Crime Stories (On This Page)
You could not make up these funny tales of bungling burglars, say Will
and Guy
Man Drops Swag, Locks Keys In Getaway Car, Shoots Himself
– Read
All About It Here:
A man who had spent 20 years in prison for bank robbery back in 1963
thought he would try again in 2003 in Spotsylvania County, Virginia, USA. He
demanded and received several thousand dollars from two surprised bank
cashiers and as he fled he spilled $100 notes in his wake as he attempted to
stuff the cash into his pockets and get away.
When he reached his hired getaway car he realised that he had locked his
keys inside. This bungling burglar promptly took to his heels and fled the
scene on foot followed by two passersby who grabbed him. The fleeing felon
attempted to pull out his gun but failed, and shot himself in his leg but
kept fighting his would be arresters; one of whom shot the suspect.
The local police have charged the robber with 8 felonies, including
robbery and 2 counts of attempted murder. The suspect was attended to in
hospital and recovered.
No, you couldn’t make it up
Bungling Burglar Breaks Bone:
Attempting to rob a pub in Bernkastel-Kues, western Germany, Wolfgang
Fleischer fell while climbing a wall to gain illegal entry and broke his
leg. As temperatures plummeted to -16C he was forced to ‘phone the police
and ask for help before he died from hypothermia.
Inept Burglar Beaten by Victim
Police are searching for an inept burglar who was beaten by his victim;
the beating was inflicted by a 42-year-old woman who discovered the man in
her back garden in Norwich, Norfolk, England. He tried to flee but got stuck
on a fence and the woman thrashed him with a bamboo cane.
This bungling burglar ran away and later knocked over a broom in a garden
nearby; he then, apparently became dazzled by a bright security light and
fell into a garden pond before making his escape.
Bungling Burglar Hangs Around to Wait for Police to Arrive
A Victorian house in Dartford, Kent, England was the scene for this
hilarious story of failure. The robber, armed with only a hammer attempted
to smash his way into the house through the front windows.
The man
somehow got his foot caught and unable to free himself, was left hanging
upside down in the window frame for more than an hour as a crowd of 30
neighbours and passers-by gathered to ridicule him in Dartford, Kent. One
wag told Will and Guy that he called out, ‘Hang in there, mate’ to the would
be robber.
Police were seen laughing as they arrested the bungler.
Bungling Burglar Gases Himself
While trying to steal a gas cooker from a house he had forcibly entered
this would be burglar nearly killed himself. Ripping the cooker from the
wall he fractured the gas mains and gassed himself.
The young man, aged 20, had already handed out a mirror and 3 television
to his accomplice outside. He became overwhelmed by the gas fumes and he
found himself fighting to breathe as the gas pipe fractured. He managed to
stagger outside where he phones 999 and reported the leak before falling
unconscious.
After treatment from paramedics the bungling burglar was arrested.
No, you couldn’t make it up.
Five Hilarious, Witty, Short and True Funny Crime Stories
- A man went into a drug store in Baltimore, pulled a gun, announced
a robbery, and pulled a “Hefty-bag” face mask over his head. He then
and realised that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. He was
arrested by security men. - A Belgium news agency reported, last year, that a man suspected of
robbing a jewellery store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it
because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.Police then arrested him for breaking into the school. - Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the
bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home
………… With the chain still attached to the machine
………… With their
bumper still attached to the chain.
………… With their vehicle’s
license plate still attached to the bumper. You couldn’t make it up! - When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a
motor home trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the
motor home’s sewage tank by mistake.The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever
had. - Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who
fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was
told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID.The
suspect carefully eyed the victim, and shouted, ‘Yeah, that’s the
woman I robbed.’
Funny Crime Stories (Snippets from our other pages)
Great Swindle – Tax Service
Funny Courtroom Exchanges Between Lawyers and Witnesses
Accident?
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the car crash?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Which Location?
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Eye Queue
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Horn Player
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
See lots more funny courtroom
exchanges
Lawyer on
Holiday
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, ‘I’m here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for
everything and I’m using some of the insurance money for this trip.’
‘That’s quite a coincidence,’ said the engineer.
‘I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything.’
The lawyer looked confused… ‘How do you start a flood?’
See more funny lawyer
jokes and yarns
More Funny Crime Stories
Bank Robbery
A man attempted to rob a Bank of America located in San Francisco. He walked into the branch and wrote,
‘this iz a stikkup. Put all
your muny in this bag’.
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s
window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn’t the brightest tool in the box, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK,’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of
America. See more tales of funny
bank robberies
Ketchup or Ketch-down?
Two thieves armed only with tomato ketchup ambushed a supermarket employee as
he was taking cash to the bank, Greek police have reported.
‘The thieves jumped out of the bushes and threw two big bags of ketchup on
the front window to stop the car,’ said a police official who requested
anonymity. The man fought with his attackers, who managed to flee on a
motorcycle with only €400 [£280. $583USD] of the €140,000 [£97,600. $203,206
USD] he was carrying.
Police later apprehended the two men. However, the ketchup is still on
the run.
Robber Attempts Bank Heist
Sorry, sir, we can’t open the door as this branch is closed for
training. Amused staff who were participating in a training session on
an early closing day at the bank watched as he hammered on the door with
his gun demanding to be let in, police in Kirchheim, Austria, have
informed Will and Guy. The hopeless would be robber fled empty handed with
bank staff’s laughter ringing in his ears.
The prospective crook, wearing a Barack Obama mask then drove away.
A bank spokesperson told us, ‘He wasn’t very smart – the bank was
robbed both last December and in January this year and we now have really
tight security.’
Credit Crunch One Liners
- The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’s been
repossessed. - Latest news: The Isle of Dogs* Bank has collapsed. They’ve called in
the retrievers. - I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.
- A man went to his bank manager and said, ‘I’d like to start a small
business. How do I go about it?’
‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a
big one and wait.’ - A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of
saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young
executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
* The Isle of Dogs is part of the East End of London, think of one of the
loops in the river Thames.
See more jokes and funny
pictures of the credit crunch
Dog Steals Bunny’s Identity – And His Carrot
Is this a Labrador puppy with a ‘Lops’ rabbit?
See more examples of funny
identity theft.
New Way of Making Money – Wanted Target Holder
You don’t
have to be mad to work here – but it helps.
I wonder if they take turns?
Or could it be a case of, ‘There are those who shoot, and those who hold targets?’
Footnote:
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