Xmas Cracker Jokes

Christmas riddles are best appreciated when you're in the right mood.  For example,
the family is gathered around the lunch table, just before tucking into
the turkey, you
open a Christmas cracker.

• Top Ten Cracker Jokes
• Funny Christmas Riddles
• Christmas Crackers
• Christmas Jokes
  for Adults
• Out of the mouths... Christmas Story
• Christmas Disaster at the Restaurant
• Funniest Christmas Cracker Jokes
• Christmas Quotes
• New Section of Christmas Riddles

Will and Guy's Top Ten Cracker Jokes For
You To Groan At

What we find is that everyone groans eight and laughs at two of these
ten.  The strange thing is everyone has a different pair that they
chuckle at.

1. What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
   He gets it toad
   away.
2. What do you call a crazy golfer?
   A crack put.
3. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
   A nervous wreck.
4. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
   Auld Fang Syne.
5. What is black and white and noisy?
   A zebra with a drum kit.
6. What's the fastest thing in water?
   A motor pike.
7. What lies in a pram and wobbles?
   A jelly baby.
8. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
   A doyouthinkhesawus.
9. What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
   An
   alarm cluck.
10. Where are the Andes?
    On the end of the armies.

Modern, Hilarious Christmas Riddles

• What's the slogan for the Eskimo lottery?
  'You've got to be
  Inuit to win you it!'  Alistair McGowan
• A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ......
  So
  the barman gives her one.  Meera Syal
• How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
  Three: the left ear, the
  right ear, and the final front ear.  Ben Miller
• Who's the bane of Santa's life?
  The elf and safety officer.
  Catherine Tate
• A French Cat, Un Deux Trois, and an English cat, One Two Three, went
  for a swimming race round a lake. Who won? One Two Thee, because Un Deux
  Trois Quatre Cinque.  Jo Brand  [Will says repeat
  this out loud]
• Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I
  found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it,
  delicatessen.
  Sean Hughes
• Man: I'll have the steak and kiddley pie, please.
  Waiter: I think
  you mean steak and kidney?
  Man: That's what I said, diddle I?
  Alexander Armstrong
• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Sir Terry.
  Sir Terry who?
  How
  quickly they forget.  Jimmy Tarbuck
• Why did the turkey cross the road?
  Are you kidding?  It's
  Christmas - he should run a mile.  Stephen K Amos
• Why did the atheist cross the road?
  So he could see both sides.
  Tom Wrigglesworth
• Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
  He sold his
  soul to Santa.  Steve Pemberton
• How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
  Poker face.  Shazia
  Mirza
• I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist.
  I'm in love with her
  footspa.  Phil Nichol
• What do you call a man who's been diagnosed with attention deficit
  disorder?
  These are good crackers, aren't they?  Who bought
  these?  Chris Addison

Thanks to the Guardian Newspaper for these funny Christmas riddles.

Bon-bon Usage

Christmas Crackers are called 'Bon-Bons' in countries such as Australia
and South Africa.  Will and Guy are unsure if Christmas cracker
riddles are also called bon-bons in Ireland.  These one-liners usually
make us groan rather than laugh out loud.
See more bon-bon cracker jokes here.

Christmas Crackers

Will and Guy Suspect British Law is Crackers.  The 1875
Explosives Act, currently in force in the UK, apparently considers
Christmas crackers to be covered by this archaic law.  This means
that an 'explosive' cracker cannot be sold to minors.

This law was shown up to be so stupid when 22 year old student,
Heather Walsh, attempted to buy a box of 10, for Christmas Day in her
local Marks and Spencer's in York, England. Asked if she was over 16
years old Miss Walsh, who has an University degree was told the
'crackers were classed as explosives', Will and Guy have learned. She
was told by staff that they were 'protecting me by not selling me them
and they suggested that if I was left alone with the crackers I couldn't
be trusted and might blow myself up.'

You couldn't make it up, and we think that this law is definitely
CRACKERS.

More Christmas Crackers

It is claimed that Tom Smith, a baker of wedding cakes from London, invented the Christmas
cracker probably in the 1840's. On a visit to Paris he saw some sugar almonds [bon-bons] wrapped in twisted paper. On his return to England Tom designed a cracker shape; also inspired by the sound of
logs crackling in a fire, and founded a cracker manufacturers in 1847, which still exists today - possibly the largest manufacturer in the world.

Father Christmas Calls

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, 'from Father Christmas.'

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

'What's
the matter, Al?' I asked.

'Ummmm', replied Alex slowly, 'I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas'.

Footnote:
Punishment for boys who no longer
believe in Father Christmas.  They get clothes for Christmas.

Santa Claus Conundrum

The 3 stages of man:

1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa
Claus.
3) He IS Santa Claus!

Out of the Mouths... Christmas Story

Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.

He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, 'I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't
a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes
on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't
there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way
around'.

More Christmas Cracker Jokes and Riddles

• What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire
  is ablaze?
  Crisp Kringle.
• Why does rain drop, but snow fall?
  (Nobody can answer this
  conundrum)
• What do you call people who are frightened of Santa?
  Will's
  Answer: Claustraphopic.  (Guy's answer:
  Non-existent)
• Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune.
  Notice
  on the back: 'Potential choking hazard: do not use with food'.
• What do you get if you team Santa with a detective?
  Santa
  Clues!
• What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
  Frostbite.
• What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the
  ordinary alphabet?
  The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).

Christmas Humour - Disaster
At the Restaurant

Passing the Mayfair Chinese Restaurant on the corner of Castle Road (the premises where Peter Sellers was born) today 3rd January, on my way back from seeing Sheridan, I saw that there was
a handwritten notice on the glass in the door. It read and looked like this:

Don't know how long the notice had been there, but I did not see any smoke, fire engines or road closures!
It must have ruined their Christmas and New Year trade!

Another
Batch of Really Funny Christmas Cracker Jokes

Why doesn't Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the
chimney?
Because has had his flue jab.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Someday my prints will come.  (Prince)

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
They're hiring.

What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?
'It's
Christmas!  Eve.'

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

'Tiny', answers Mike.
'Why's
that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike.   (Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt - minute)

Bert aged 25.  'My wife's an angel'.
Don aged 57.  'Your
lucky, mine is still alive'.

See more angel jokes.

Christmas Quotes

Charles Dickens
'I will honour Christmas in my
heart, and try to keep it all the year.'

Roy L. Smith
'He who has no Christmas in his
heart will never find Christmas under a tree.'

Longfellow
'I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!

See more really funny Christmas quotes

New Section of Funny Christmas Riddles.  Classic
Conundrums Each and Every One

What
Will and Guy find is that we cringe at 12 out of these 15 Christmas Riddles
- but
smile at the other 3.

• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
• What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  
• The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• Every calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Hanukkah - A Jewish Special Occasion

Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday celebrated for eight days and nights. It
starts on the 25th of the Jewish month of Kislev, which coincides with late
November - late December on the secular calendar.
See our Hanukkah jokes.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny Christmas
cracker jokes and riddles.