Christmas riddles are best appreciated when you're in the right mood. For example, the family is gathered around the lunch table, just before tucking into the turkey, you open a Christmas cracker.
- Top Ten Cracker Jokes
- Funny Christmas Riddles
- Christmas Crackers
- Christmas Jokes for Adults
- Out of the mouths... Christmas Story
- Christmas Disaster at the Restaurant
- Funniest Christmas Cracker Jokes
- Christmas Quotes
- New Section of Christmas Riddles
- What does a frog do if his car breaks down? He gets it toad away.
- What do you call a crazy golfer? A crack put.
- What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.
- What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Fang Syne.
- What is black and white and noisy? A zebra with a drum kit.
- What's the fastest thing in water? A motor pike.
- What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby.
- What do you call a blind dinosaur? A doyouthinkhesawus.
- What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock? An alarm cluck.
- Where are the Andes? On the end of the armies.
3 More Cracker Riddles
- How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf? He has Santa claws! Dave Hill
- Never read a popup book about giraffes. Sean Lock
- What do you give a railway station master for Christmas? Platform shoes. Will
Modern, Hilarious Christmas Riddles
- What's the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? 'You've got to be Inuit to win you it!' Alistair McGowan
- A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ...... So the barman gives her one. Meera Syal
- How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Ben Miller
- Who's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer. Catherine Tate
- A French Cat, Un Deux Trois, and an English cat, One Two Three, went for a swimming race round a lake. Who won? One Two Thee, because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinque. Jo Brand [Will says repeat this out loud]
- Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen. Sean Hughes
- Man: I'll have the steak and kiddley pie, please. Waiter: I think you mean steak and kidney? Man: That's what I said, diddle I? Alexander Armstrong
- Knock knock. Who's there? Sir Terry. Sir Terry who? How quickly they forget. Jimmy Tarbuck
- Why did the turkey cross the road? Are you kidding? It's Christmas - he should run a mile. Stephen K Amos
- Why did the atheist cross the road? So he could see both sides. Tom Wrigglesworth
- Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. Steve Pemberton
- How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face. Shazia Mirza
- I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist. I'm in love with her footspa. Phil Nichol
- What do you call a man who's been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder? These are good crackers, aren't they? Who bought these? Chris Addison
Bon-bon UsageChristmas Crackers are called 'Bon-Bons' in countries such as Australia and South Africa. Will and Guy are unsure if Christmas cracker riddles are also called bon-bons in Ireland. These one-liners usually make us groan rather than laugh out loud. See more bon-bon cracker jokes here.
More Christmas CrackersIt is claimed that Tom Smith, a baker of wedding cakes from London, invented the Christmas cracker probably in the 1840's. On a visit to Paris he saw some sugar almonds [bon-bons] wrapped in twisted paper. On his return to England Tom designed a cracker shape; also inspired by the sound of logs crackling in a fire, and founded a cracker manufacturers in 1847, which still exists today - possibly the largest manufacturer in the world.
Santa Claus ConundrumThe 3 stages of man: 1) He believes in Santa Claus. 2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. 3) He IS Santa Claus!
More Christmas Cracker Jokes and Riddles
- What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is ablaze? Crisp Kringle.
- Why does rain drop, but snow fall? (Nobody can answer this conundrum)
- What do you call people who are frightened of Santa? Will's Answer: Claustraphopic. (Guy's answer: Non-existent)
- Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune. Notice on the back: 'Potential choking hazard: do not use with food'.
- What do you get if you team Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
- What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
- What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).
CLOSED KITCHEN ON FIRE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICEDon't know how long the notice had been there, but I did not see any smoke, fire engines or road closures! It must have ruined their Christmas and New Year trade! (Prince) What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you. What do lions sing at Christmas? Jungle bells! What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office? They're hiring. What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th? 'It's Christmas! Eve.' What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine. Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. 'Tiny', answers Mike. 'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid. 'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike. (Will had to explain this riddle to me. My newt - minute) Bert aged 25. 'My wife's an angel'. Don aged 57. 'Your lucky, mine is still alive'. See more angel jokes.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
- She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.