Funny Canadian Jokes and Funny Canada Stories

Canadian humour mirrors the nature of this crisp, cool and beautiful
country.

Will and Guy have decided to include Canadian humour to balance our other
funny pages which laugh at the
Americans, Australians, Irish as well as the English.

• You May Live in Canada If ...
• Niagara Fall Freeze 1911
• Funny, Clean and
  Amusing Canadian Jokes
• Funny Canadian Stories
• Canada Day July 1st

Canadian Humour

This is what Jeff Foxworthy (King of the Redneck jokes) had to say about
Canadians at his recent appearance at Ceasars Windsor

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You
may live in Canada.

You may also live in Canada if:

• If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
  don't work there.
• If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
• If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
  dialed a wrong number.
• If 'Vacation' means going anywhere South of Detroit for the weekend.
• If you measure distance in hours.
• If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
• If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' In the same day and back
  again.
• If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging
  blizzard without flinching.
• If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your wife knows how to
  use them.
• If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, you're going 95 and
  everybody is passing you.
• If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
  with snow.
• If you know all 4 seasons:
  Almost winter, winter, still winter,
  and road construction.  (Cheryl says:'This is my favourite, because
  how true')
• If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
• If you find -2F degrees 'a
  little chilly'.

Canadian jokes kindly sent in by Cheryl Lohr.

Funny, Clean and
Amusing Canadian Jokes

Canadian Beer

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Arnie stops him and asks, 'Hey Bill, whatcha got that case of
beer for?'

'Well, I got it for my wife, you see?' answers Bill.

'Wow!' exclaims Arnie, 'Great trade.'

The Maple Leaf Flag

A Canadian couple was strolling through Hyde Park in London and sat down
on a bench next to an elderly Briton.

The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make
conversation, said, 'Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians.'

'Indeed we are,' replied the Canadian gentleman.
'I hope you won't
mind my asking,' said the Brit, 'but what do the two red bars on your flag
represent?'

'Well,' replied the Canadian gentleman, 'one of the bars stands for the
courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad
prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for
which Canadians are known.'

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his
advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, 'And
what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?'

'Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto,' the
Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit then asked, 'And what are those six words?'
The Canadian
smiled and replied, 'They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'

Footnote:
The flag of Canada has two red bars and a white centre - within which is
a maple leaf. It was adopted as the National Flag in 1965. [Previously Canada
used the Union Jack - the British Flag.]

The National emblem of a maple leaf and has been associated with Canada
since the 1700's.

The New Canadian Tax Form

Canada's T1 Tax Return Form [New Simple Format]

1. How much money did you make? $___,_____,_____

2. Send it to us.

Moose Hunter Wanted

McDonald's Moose

When Canada Was Created

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, 'Today I
am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding
natural beauty; it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats
and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There
shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy
beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.'

God continued, 'I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be
known as the most friendly people on the earth.'

'But Lord,' responded Gabriel, 'don't you think you are being too
generous to these Canadians?'

'No, not really.' God replied..........'Just wait and see the neighbours
I am going to give them.'

Canadian Snow

What is a Canadian?

A Canadian is a fellow wearing English tweeds, a Hong Kong shirt and
Spanish shoes, who sips Brazilian coffee sweetened with Philippine sugar
from a Bavarian cup while nibbling Swiss cheese, sitting at a Danish desk
over a Persian rug, after coming home in a German car from an Italian
movie...

And then writes to his Member of Parliament with a Japanese ballpoint pen
on French paper, demanding that he do something about foreigners taking away
our Canadian jobs.

More Canada Fun Facts and Trivia

• Canada's land mass is 9,970,610 km2 and is the world's second
  largest country
• Ottawa is the Capital of Canada [located in Ontario]
• Canada has 10 provinces and 3 territories.
• There are more than 100 national parks and historic sites in Canada.
• At 6050 m above sea level, Mount Logan in the Yukon is Canada's
  tallest peak.
• Great Bear lake is the largest lake in Canada with an area of 31 326
  km2
• The longest river is the Mackenzie River flowing 4241 km through the
  North West Territory.
• Canada has six time zones.
• Canada's capital, Ottawa, has the coldest average temperature of any
  capital city in the world.

Niagara Fall Freeze 1911

Situated on the America / Canada border, the Niagara Falls often get
snow, but it's extremely rare for it to be cold enough for the falls to
freeze. Sadly the phenomenon is never likely to happen again, partly because
of global warming and partly due to man-made dam to control the flow. To be
accurate, it was the American falls that froze and not the larger Horseshoe
falls, also at Niagara.

Nevertheless, we are impressed by these frozen snow pictures with their
giant icicles.  Incidentally the Niagara is an American Indian word
meaning 'Strait'.

Funny Canadian Stories

Eternal Rivalry -
American Army and Canadian Navy

An old Canadian sailor from HMCS Sackville and an American Gunbunny were sitting in the Duke of Buckingham
pub arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

'I did 30 years in the
29th Field Artillery', the American declared proudly, 'and fought in three of
my country's
wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. 'As a sergeant, I
fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. 'Finally, as a gunny
sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all
night. In a fire-fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!'

'Ah', said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, 'lucky
Gunbunny, all shore
duty, huh?'

See more stories
of Canadian v USA rivalry.

Canada Day

Canada Day is on July 1st.

Canadian Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Day is celebrated on the second Monday in October in Canada.

Christmas in Canada:

Father Christmas has his own personal zip code [postcode]; it is the
alphanumeric number: H0H 0H0. (Ho-Ho-Ho) In this way people who write to
Santa know that their letter will arrive safely.  It has been his personal
code since 1982 and Will and Guy have learned that this address receives
some 1 million letters from all over the world each year.  Apparently, each
letter received will be answered in the same language in which it is
written, which, on its own must be a mammoth task.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny Canadian jokes
and stories.