Funny Australian Jokes and Aussie Humour

Australian humour reflects the rugged nature of the country, especially the
hinterland away from the coast.  One of Australia’s strongest comic
images of the ‘ocker’, with his cork hat, as epitomised by Bazza McKenzie.

Will and Guy have decided to include Aussie humour to balance our other
funny pages which laugh at the
Irish, Scottish, Welsh, as well as English and American.  We were
slightly surprised to get complaints from an Irishman about Irish jokes,
however, we will be astonished to get a complaint from a true Australian
about these funnies.

• Three Aussie One-liners
• Shane Dies: A
  Typically Funny Australian Joke
• Hilarious and Funny
  Aussie Jokes
• Australian Maps – Fake?
• Funny Australian Stories
• Funny Aussie Barbie Story

Three Aussie One-liners To Get You
In The Right Mood

1. What’s the difference between an Australian and a
   computer?  You only have to punch information into a computer once.
2. What do you call a field full of Australians?  A
   vacant lot.
3. An Australian is someone who thinks that the three
   major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal and Cocktail.

Shane Dies: A Typically Funny Australian Joke

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project
in Wagga Wagga.  Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, ‘Someone should go and
tell his wife.’
Jeff says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff,
I’ll do it.’

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Ricky
says, ‘Where did you get that, Jeff?’
‘Shane’s wife gave it to me.’

Ricky continues, ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was
dead and she gave you the beer?’

‘Well not exactly,’ Jeff said. ‘When
she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow”.’
She
said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’

And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are.’

Meanwhile Ricky ….

• Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book
  his flight.
  The
  operator asks him, ‘How many people are flying with you?’
  Ricky
  replies, ‘Strewth mate, how would I know.  It’s your plane.’
• Ricky is now getting drunk in the pub and runs out of
  money.  Ricky does not feel like going home and he hassles the
  publican for another drink.‘Com’on
  Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I’ll pay you next week…..’
  Robbie,
  the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, ‘See that building
  across the road?’
  ‘Yeah…’ says Ricky, squinting‘Well, that
  is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.’

   

  ‘Deal? Wot deal?’ mutters
  Ricky.

  Robbie, Well, Ricky, they
  don’t sell beer, and I don’t lend money.’

  

The Amazing and Funny Australian Love Test

Do you ever wonder who loves you? Your wife? Your dog? You think they
love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure?
There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one
hour.

Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there,
close the boot, grab a couple of beers and watch the footy on the telly for
an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.

Now, who is happy to see you?

See more funny Australian stories.

An Aussie Gentleman (Oxymoron?)

Hilarious and Funny Aussie Jokes

Aussie Takes a Dive

Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory,
Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party.  So he invited his buddies
including Darel,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty’s mansion.
Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and
drinking and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 16ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of Monty’s mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
dead goldfish.

Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.  The Monty says, ‘Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Darel.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about a new car?’

‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Darel.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options?  Again,
Darel said “No.”

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Darel, then what do you want?

Darel said, ‘I just want the b****** who pushed me in.’

Footnote:
Thanks to Ken Green for sending in this
funny Aussie story.

Bruce’s Funny Story

Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who
had broken into his house the previous night.

‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.

‘I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,’
pleaded Bruce. ‘I’ve been trying to do that for years.’

See more Aussie jokes

Message From Australia:

A Darwin fellow roaming the Red Centre with a beaut of a barbie on the
ali tray of his fair dinkum ute was looking for some hard yakka because
there was no sit-down money for the pokies.  But it was a daggy deal as he
hit the Bundi instead and ended up chundering in the dunny.

Above Message As Reported By British Dispatches

A person named Darwin with companions the fair skinned Barbara Dinkumute
and Ali Tray were travelling through the center of China looking for some
hard egg-yokes because of financial constraints and a lack of pigs.  But
something went wrong after a fight with someone called Bundy in a town
called Chanderin-Dunni.

Footnote:
This funny tale, complete with translation,
was sent by Martin.

Speak Australish

• Floordrobe – Someone who spreads their clothes around the bedroom floor.
• Fitness centre –  A place where they leave no stern untoned.
• Salad dodger – Fatso.
• Tanorexia – Devoted to getting a suntan.
• See also ‘How to Speak
  New Zealand’.

An American Goes To Oz

Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.  There he meets an
Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking.  The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, ‘Oh yeah.  We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large.’

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd
of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, ‘We have longhorns that are at least
twice as large as your cows.’

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, ‘And what are those?’

‘Glen’, the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, ‘Don’t you have any
grasshoppers in Texas.’

Australian Maps – Fake?

Australian Maps – Real

Funny, Odd, Interesting, Relatively Useless and Random Australian Trivia

Will and Guy’s Top Ten

1. Each and every part of Australia is within a distance
   of 1000km from ocean or a beach.
2. 30,028 square km of land is under cattle ranch. This
   area size is almost the same as that of the whole Belgium.
3. People of Queensland in Australia are called “Banana
   Benders”, and “Sand Gropers” is the name given to the people from
   Western Australia.
4. There are nearly 20,000,000 people in Australia, of
   which approximately 80% live in cities next to the sea.
5. Australia has, probably, the lowest population density
   of any country in the world, ie, 2 people per square km. Japan has 327
   people/2km
6. The area of Australia that is covered by snow in
   winter is larger than the area of Switzerland.
7. 70% of the world’s wool comes from Australia. We have
   over 126,000,000 sheep, which use fully half the continent for grazing.
8. The longest fence in the world is in Australia, and it
   runs for over 5,530 kms. It’s designed to keep dingoes away from the
   sheep.
9. The wine cask, the ubiquitous plastic bag full of wine
   contained in a cardboard box, was invented in Australia in 1967.
10. Qantas stands for Queensland And Northern
    Territory Aerial Services.

Presidents
of Australia, Russia and USA Go to Hell

John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished
the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a
cheque.

Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil
informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Howard just
smiles.

Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Howard got to call
Australia for only 25 cents?

The devil smiles and replies:
“Since Julia Gillard took over, the
whole country has gone to hell. It’s a local call.”

An Aussie Jobsworth

A Funny Story
from the Australian Gas Company

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away as anybody might.

In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn’t send them $0.00 by
return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer
error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the
gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that
they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating
that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had
10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to
crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to
recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the
local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had
been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:

The gas company was required to:-

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for
consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend’s had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant’s court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused
their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

As Will and Guy always say, ‘You just could not make it up.’

Kindly sent in by John Morris

April Fools’ Day Down Under

We had no idea that Australia celebrated April Fool’s day – we should
have known better!

The world’s first “square” ferris is wheel launched in Melbourne,
Australia. Melbourne’s Docklands observation wheel is re-opening with a
“revolutionary new design” – a square shaped wheel, it was announced.

• A Blackberry with no screen was advertised in Australia
• Air New Zealand launched a pay what you weigh for an airline seat.

Australian Christmas Bon-Bons

1. Shane aged 23.  ‘My Sheila’s an angel’.
   Bruce aged 59.  ‘Your
   lucky mate, mine is still alive’.
2. Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
   The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.    ‘Tiny’, answers Barry.
   ‘Why’s
   that?’ enquires the barmaid.
   ‘Because he’s my newt’ concludes
   Barry.  
   (Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt – minute)
3. What do you get from a pampered cow?
   Spoiled milk.

See more Christmas
bon-bon jokes.