The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
- Funny Tax Return
- Funny Tax Jokes
- Strange But True Stories - Inland Revenue (Tax Office)
There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and
properly only to find that he owed the IRS [Internal Revenue Service], in 1997, $3,407USD. [Somewhat less than £2,000] He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Enclosed is my 1997 tax
return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential
Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw'
. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a
pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I have just read an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.
Disgruntled of Oklahoma.
- The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.
fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.
- The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any
reward. John Maynard Keynes
- A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 [knowing my own hidden secrets] and Psalm 52:3-4 [lies and deceit], a man wrote the following letter to the Inland Revenue's HM Inspector of
- 'I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a cheque for £150.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.'
- My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
- About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
- The haggis and European tax law have much in common. They both involve bloody processes, the end results are a mystery and those of a squeamish disposition should not get involved in the making of either.
Sondra points out that in the USA IRS means Internal Revenue Service. What complicates matters is that in the UK we have the Inland Revenue.
Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter
sent by the Inland Revenue (Tax Office):
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will
address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a 'begging letter'. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a 'tax demand'. This is how we, at the
Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the 'endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited
daily through the letterbox on to the doormat'
has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from 'pauper councils,
Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers'
might indicate that your decision to 'file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies'
is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own
organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a 'lackwit bumpkin'
or, come to that, a 'sodding charity'
. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a
responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay 'go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services', a moment's
rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to 'stump up for the whole damned
yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's
disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on 'junkets for Bunterish lickspittles'
whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, 'that box-ticking façade of a university system.'
A couple of technical
points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't
simply write 'Muggins'
on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system
2. You can rest assured that 'sucking the very marrows
of those with nothing else to give'
has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't
render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to 'give the whole
foul jamboree up and go and live in India'
you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
H J Lee
Inland Revenue (Tax Office)
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