A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'
Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'
on earth do you know which gender they were?'
Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and
the other 2 were on the phone'
One-liners to Work into Your Leaving Speech
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't
mind spending someone else's
Three More Helpful Retirement Jokes
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player
Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of
impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.
A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement Syndrome
Recently, I was diagnosed
with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque
(check) book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque
left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push
the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with
the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.
I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV
remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed.
The bills aren't paid.
There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface.
The flowers don't have enough water.
There is still only one cheque in my chequebook.
I can't find the TV remote.
I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because
I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
PS. I just remembered, I left the
The main problem Will and Guy have encountered collecting funny
retirement jokes, is that by the nature of the subject, most people have
forgotten the funniest retirement stories.
Secrets of Getting Old -
Senior Texting Codes
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LWO - †Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTP - Where're the Prunes?
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
† Lawrence Welk - 1950s American musician, accordionist and bandleader.
more funny senior text codes »
More Jokes Suitable for Retirement Speeches
Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin and Martin men go to the doctor's for
their memory test. It's a miracle they remembered the appointment!
Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, "What is five times five?"
"191," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin,
"It's your turn. What is five times five?"
"Wednesday," replies Jenkin
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay Martin
it's your turn. What's five times five?"
"Twenty five," says Martin.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get your answer?"
"Easy," says Martin, "just subtract 191 from Wednesday."
The Wedding MC Joke Book
How even a nervous, first-time
Wedding MC with no comedy experience
entertain and dazzle the wedding guests with 101
funny, clean, and
'field-tested' wedding jokes.
Buy Here! Only $19.99
Speech Jokes, Also Suitable for Appraisals
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This man has delusions of adequacy.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but she only gargles.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Don't Mess with the Elderly
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a
knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man
carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,'
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon,
young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
The Story of The Retired Husband at Tesco
Dear Mrs. Marsh,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire
family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has
caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:
- Mr Joseph Marsh
Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our
June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
when they weren't
July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute
July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5'
in fruit and veg..... and then
watched what happened.
September 14: Moved a '
CAUTION - WET FLOOR'
sign to a carpeted area.
September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'
d invite them in for a
cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'
October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the '
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled '
Pick me! Pick me!'
December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal
position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's
those voices again!'
And; last, but not least!
December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very
loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'
Do you think that Mr Marsh's
retirement story is a true story, or a hoax? Will and Guy are not sure.
Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the
country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.
One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England.
Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, 'When I was in here last
week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to
'Sorry,' replied Victoria, 'but I can't possibly sell you that.'
'Oh, what a pity, but why not?' inquired Claire.
'Because,' said the owner, 'that's my husband.'
Secrets of Getting Old -
Three Old Men
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'
, declared the first man.
'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you
want them to say about you in fifty years?'
the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'
Maurice, aged 87, was very contented living in the Alpha Nursing Home
just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Edna, 76, he
grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only yesterday Maurice plucked up
the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he
would like to ask her.
Edna smiled and replied, 'Alright.'
Maurice asked softly, 'Will you
Delighted, Edna answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Maurice
what his second question was.
He replied, 'Edna, will you please help me
Vintage Classifed Adverts
Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads.
Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny
classifed ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from
Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone
to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath
not a problem.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday
nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick,
or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5' 4" (used
to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male
under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
Wanted: Bonded escort, silver-haired (not dyed), two days a week for
three active ladies, eighty-plus. Should look rich (but not too rich).
Politically conservative. Good bridge player and waltzer. Sharp enough
to handle six Bingo cards at once. Prefer chauffeur's license, L.P.N.,
and Black Belt in karate.
See more funny
We hope they each found someone!
Grandma's Pizza Delivery
Retirement Speech Tips
Do practice your retirement speech until you can recite it naturally and
without hesitation. To gain extra confidence, find out precisely at
which point during the reception you should deliver the speech.
While I concede that these stories may not be perfect for your victim,
sorry I mean colleague, you could change a few words and thus create an
Another Funny Retirement Story
Will and Guy are led to believe that the following job application is a real
one submitted by an elderly retired gentleman aged 74, to a national DIY
retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK. Word is that they have employed him.
We have changed the name to protect the guilty.
NAME: Brian Walker [also known as Grumpy Bastard].
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing
Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 [$295,000 USD] a year plus share
options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make
an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in
the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
You Can't Keep a Good Old'un Down
Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80's, went to breakfast at Bert's Café
where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for
'Sounds good,' murmured Rosa. 'But I don't want eggs.'
'Then I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering à la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Rosa spluttered.
'Yes.' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and still in the shell,' Rosa answered with a glint in her eye.
Rosa took the two eggs home.
Moral of the story: You can't keep a good old'un down.
Retirement sing along to the tune of:
'My Favourite Things'
You remember: the tune from 'The Sound of Music'
Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of
my favourite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with
Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused
brains and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings-
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel... so bad.
How I Spend Retirement
Now I'm in semi-retirement and growing older, I thought that I might
rationalise my days and present my findings in a simple pie chart. This is what
my time looks like graphically:
You can also write to Will and Guy if you have any funny retirementjokes or stories from leaving speeches.
Joke of the Day Email
Get a clean joke delivered to your inbox every
day, no strings attached, just part of our service. Free
our Funny Joke of the Day email.
We have over 1,500 pages of funny pictures, clean jokes, stories and amusing videos. Please use the Search below to find a topic of particular interest:
Thought of the Day Subscription
Our offer is to email you an inspirational
'Thought of the day'. Your subscription is completely free of cost and there
are no adverts. Sign up for our 'Thought of
See more retirement stories and funny farewell jokes