Football Jokes

Below, we’ll discuss various types of football jokes. First, let’s start with the funniest football jokes of all time.

Funny Football Jokes

Let’s start with Will and Guy’s favorite football jokes.

1. Robots

Julian Ryall reported from Tokyo for The Scotsman newspaper on January 10, 2006, that Japanese robotics experts at Keio University, Tokyo claim that their robots will beat humans at football one day. The robots stand some 38 cm tall and weigh only 2.4kg.

Shu Ishiguro, head of Robot Laboratory in Osaka, is confident that this will happen and that by 2050 the human winners of the World Cup will be defeated. His fellow scientists are working on prototypes as you are reading this report.

Will is doubtful that this could ever happen but has to admit that he probably won’t be around to see it if it does come to fruition.

N.B. England has their own Robot – Peter Crouch complete with dance

Moving on to the next one of these funny football jokes.

2. Amazing Gantry

The next story on our list of football jokes is dedicated to goalkeepers.

Goalkeeper bridge

We all know that goalkeepers are crazy, but road football?  Nutty. By the way, who is that goalkeeper?  Guy thinks it’s Oliver Kahn, the German and Bayern M´┐Żnchen goalie.

Incidentally, the only thing robotic about Oliver Kahn was his ability to locate the ball in the penalty area.

3. Football Snippets

Football jokes wouldn’t be complete without including snippets.

  1. An edition of Observer Sport Monthly featured a small item about a Moroccan parachutist. The one who, at the opening ceremony for the 1988 African Nations Cup in Casablanca, watched by royalty and the most important men in world football, delayed kick-off by missing the pitch and getting tangled up in the floodlights, where he hung upside down for 45 minutes.
  2. During the last Nations Cup in Mali two years ago, there was a full-scale punch-up on the pitch, involving a Cameroon coach and Malian soldiers. The coach, a former World Cup goalkeeper, had placed a charm in the Mali net. Witchcraft, juju, call it what you like.
  3. My favorite was the tale of the South African team which drove out of town, walked backward and barefoot off the team bus into the bush until they found a termite mound, urinated on it, then walked backward to the bus again – and still didn’t win the league.
  4. A Manchester cinema, for the World Cup Finals 2002, offered sushi-flavored popcorn for England’s matches.
No Soccer sign
  • Hodge scored for Forest after only 22 seconds, totally against the run of play. – Peter Lorenzo

Which one of these football jokes did you enjoy the most so far? The next part of our football jokes will be even better!

Do (No) Gooders

Patricia began her job in a secondary school as a counsellor and she was keen to help the pupils.

One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of football [soccer] at the other end of the field.

Patricia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was.  Sometime later, however, Patricia noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Going up to her again, ‘Trish enquired, ‘Would you like me to be your friend?’  The girl hesitated, then said, ‘Alright,’ while looking at Patricia with some suspicion.’  Feeling she was making progress, Pat then asked, ‘Why are you standing here all alone?’

‘Because,’ the girl said with a large sigh, ‘I’m the goalie!’

After this additional story on the list of our football jokes, let’s move on to one-liner football jokes.

Funny Football One-liner jokes

Coleman’s quote had to be included as a part of our football jokes.

  • If that had gone in it would have been a goal.  – David Coleman

Football Jokes –  Seat in Stand?

Manchester United is one of the most popular topics, when it comes to football jokes.

Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.  They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for K37.  The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold.  Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing Day, much to Bernie and Eddie’s amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.  Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer, ‘Where have you been all season’.  Don’t ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

[Funny how one of these football jokes reminds you of another]

Front Row Seat

Here’s our favorite story among these football jokes:

Simon took his seat in the 3rd row of the arena for the big football match.

Upon looking around, he was surprised to see his young neighbor, Jerry, in the front row. “Hi, Jerry!” He called out.

Jerry turned around. “Hi, Simon!” he called back.

“How did you get the front-row ticket?” Simon asked.

Jerry answered, “From my older brother.”

Simon asked, “Where is he?”

Jerry answered, “At home looking for his ticket!”

Do you enjoy these football jokes so far? If not, you will once you read this:

What a Dedicated Fan

Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.

‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat. ‘My wife usually sits there.’  Michael replied

‘But why isn’t she here?’  the neighbour persisted ‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.

‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your mates?’ ‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’  Said Michael.

The Referee’s Influence

For the next part of these football jokes, we decided to include a picture:

Referee cartoon

It was the F.A Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final.  The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. ‘It’s all right,’ said one, ‘we’re friends of the referee.’

‘Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?’, said the bouncer, as he threw them out.

Soccer’s Larger Goals:

This story indeed deserves to be included among the best football jokes.

The BBC’s Saturday lunchtime show ‘Football Focus’ broadcast a piece centered on the upcoming change in the size of goals. Using the then West Ham United manager, Harry Redknapp, the report claimed that the size of the goals would increase by two feet in height and four feet in length. Redknapp was being ‘interviewed’ on the training ground where his goalkeepers were getting to grips with bigger goals.

They told the truth on the following week’s show, where outtakes of Redknapp messing up his lines were also shown.

Mirror Images

Two football fans are walking along the road when one of them picks up a mirror.  He looks in it and says, ‘Hey, I know that bloke!’

The second one picks it up and says, ‘Of course you do you idiot, it’s me’.

While it’s a short one, it’s probably one of the best football jokes out there.

A Game of Life and Death

These football jokes below wouldn’t be complete without funny images.

Grave stone gif

Bill Shankly, the late, legendary Liverpool FC manager reputedly said, ‘Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I’m very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.’ It appears that this fan thinks much the same:

An Italian football fan has started putting up a grave every time his team loses a major match. Inter Milan fan, Massimo Pecorino, 52, has so far erected more than 20 gravestones on a local mountainside. He says grave mistakes can only be marked by a grave where he buries his hopes and dreams, near his hometown of Cortona.

Pecorino said, ‘Instead of enjoying a celebration I felt like I was at a funeral, so I spent the day carving out my fury on a stone.’

Funny One-liner Football Jokes

Let’s take a look at one more one-liner among these football jokes:

  • Andy Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.  – Alan Parry, Football Commentator

World Cup Football – Car Insurance

Car crash gif

Car insurance companies in the UK are a natural part of football jokes. They will be pleased if England crashes out of Euro 2008 in the early stages.

Based on information collated from the 2004 European championships it appears that England’s drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2004 crashes leapt by some 14% generally during the whole tournament. Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 51%.

Golden Oldie Section of Football Jokes

I thought of removing this section of football jokes, however, I kept it because it applies each year, the details just need modifying for each new season of the football jokes.

Robbery at West Ham United

West Ham Butlins

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham’s ground, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.

The London police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

Not sure why we decided to include that picture as a part of these football jokes.

Leeds United – Special AutoRoute for August 2007

This is a part of the football jokes that doesn’t even require explanation:

Leeds United

Now with new routes to:

  • Cheltenham,
  • Northampton,
  • Carlisle
  • Doncaster and many more places never previously visited.

Now with new features on things to do in places like:

  • Gillingham
  • Swansea
  • Crewe
  • Tranmere

Please Note: For faster route finding the following cities have been deleted as they are not needed:

  • Manchester
  • Liverpool
  • Sheffield and Barnsley
  • Hull
  • The entire North East (except Hartlepool)

All for a special price of £49.95 (About the same as the return coach, match ticket, program, and meat pie at Leyton Orient)

Funny Football Jokes

Now, we’ll focus on even funnier football jokes.

Did Kenneth Wool-Stone Gnome really say: ‘Some people are on the pitch, they think it’s all over…it is now’?  Yes, but he was actually Kenneth Wolstenholme.

‘Peru scores their third, and it’s 3-1 to Scotland.’ David Coleman, BBC, 1978 World Cup finals.

‘And in the other group match, Uruguay and Spain drew love-all’ – Female announcer.

‘Apart from their goals, Norway hasn’t scored’ – Terry Venables.

‘Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball’ – Ian St John.

‘If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can’t swim’ – Berti Vogts, Germany coach.

Harry Daft won five England caps.

Australia once had a goalkeeper called Norman Conquest.

Segar Bastard played for England and later became a referee. [There is no truth in the rumor that his name is regularly chanted at football matches in Britain.]

Martyn Booty played for Reading.

Nicky Butt played for England, Manchester United, and Newcastle United.

Rafael Felipe Scheidt, once of Celtic [cost £4.9 million in 1999] and of whom a fellow professional said, ‘The guy couldnae trap a bag of cement.’

Lionel Prat played for Le Havre AC and had a trial for Aberdeen.

Dean Windass: Hull City, Bradford City, Oxford, and Middlesbrough always raised a grin.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs

Surprised to see snow white among football jokes?

One day just outside Leeds, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch.

However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: ‘Hello – is anyone there? Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?’
(She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)

Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: ‘Leeds will win the F.A. Cup’. ‘ Thank God!’ said Snow White, at least Dopey’s still alive!’

Football Jokes and Dog Stories

The next part of our football jokes is accompanied by dog stories.

Football Dog and the Police

In the mid 1970 Will, Steve, and friends went to The Dell in Southampton to watch the home team play Norwich City in the then League Division 1. Both teams were acknowledged as being proponents of good, fast-flowing, attacking first-touch football that delighted neutrals like us. The game itself was not worth commenting on; however, the feast of fun at halftime was.

The program notes had warned us of a Police dog display at the interval. This began with a hooded, gangster-type figure running onto the playing area shouting and brandishing a pistol, which he repeatedly fired into the air. A short distance behind him came a German shepherd police dog. Just at that moment, one of the police constables in the ground, there for safety control, took off across the field and ‘bravely’ rugby tackled the ‘pretend’ assailant and arrested him leaving the bewildered dog nothing to do.

The crowd, of course, roared not only with laughter but its approval of the mistaken arrest.

The PC sheepishly put his helmet back on and returned to duty at the side. Later he was seen signing autographs.

A delightful interlude to a rather ordinary match. The score?  Do you know I can’t remember?

Police Dog Attacks Footballers

The football jokes featuring dogs go on…

Three players were bitten after a police dog ran onto a football pitch during an amateur game. As reported by the BBC on Monday, 28 October 2002.

The German shepherd fled from his trainer during an exercise at a disused building close to the pitch.

Craig Jackson (No. 5) was one of the players attacked.

Dog bites footballers

It headed towards the field and snatched a linesman’s flag before moving towards the players at Scunthorpe’s Brumby Hall ground on Saturday

The injured players Steve Baker, 19, [not Will’s wife] Craig Jackson, 18, and Michael Stones, 18, were bitten on the arms and back and were treated at Scunthorpe General Hospital.

The game between Appleby Frodingham and Lincoln Moorlands had to be abandoned after the incident.

Lincoln Moorlands manager Martin Burnett said: ‘There were two children’s games on the next field and I dread to think what could have happened if the dog had gone on there instead. ‘Also the dog wasn’t fully grown and it could have been even worse if it was a larger animal. ‘It was scary as the dog was out of control, it was not listening to its handler and nobody could do anything. ‘I have been in football for 22 years and I have never seen anything like this before. ‘

A Humberside Police spokesman said: ‘The people injured have had their injuries photographed, the dog handler has submitted a full report to the police dog section and we will fully look into what went on. ‘

Funny Football Jokes on Cats

The next part of our football jokes focus on cats, instead of dogs.

The only football team named after a dog is the Terriers (Huddersfield Town).  Bristol and Doncaster ROVERS don’t count.  Moving on to teams named after cats we have the Tigers in Hull and non-leaguers in Gloucester.

Cat Has Fun at Soccer Match in England

cat on football pitch

A football [soccer] match at Anfield Stadium, Liverpool, England had to be halted recently when a stray cat wandered onto the pitch. The grey and white tabby cat ran toward one of the goals while fans chanted “Cat, cat, cat.”   Play was stopped for about a minute while the cat ran around on the field.

When he darted toward the sidelines, a steward scooped him up. The cat is believed to be a stray that lives near the stadium and can often be seen in the parking lot; this is the first time he got into the stadium.

People in the neighborhood regularly put out milk for the cat. One man said he will now call the cat “Kenny,” after the manager of Liverpool’s soccer team, Kenny Dalglish.

Since its appearance, the cat has even had an official Twitter account set up and has almost 25,000 followers so we have been informed.

One of the best cat-themed football jokes indeed!

Cat Has Fun at Soccer Match in Turkey

Appearing on the soccer pitch in Istanbul, Turkey this cat created quite a stir. That’s how it ended up among our football jokes.

cat on soccer pitch

Ukraine’s Shakhtar Donetsk beat German side Werder Bremen 2-1 in a drab game littered with mistakes report Will and Guy. The highlight was not the goals but the cat.

During the match, the cat decided to befriend the cameramen perhaps knowing they might make him famous.  The thousands in the crowd took him to their hearts and he received louder cheers than the home team. (Watch out for the fanzine question: ‘When did a cat last beat a turkey?’)

More Football Jokes Involving Animals 

No wonder they say never work with children or animals.  Here are more football jokes about various beasts entering the world of football. 

Mouse Invades Pitch at Top England Club

Mouse on soccer pitch

Will and Guy can confirm that there was a mouse on the pitch at Old Trafford, the home of Manchester United Football Club, England’s Premier
League Champions, one night recently.

This cheeky little feller above had his photo taken during United’s victory over West Ham United.

We’re not sure if he had any influence over the result.

Elephant Plays Football

After the cat and mouse football jokes, I expect you to think Tom and Gerry are next.  But no, it’s an elephant!

elephant football

Stray Horses Churn up Football Pitch

Stray horses were churning up a football pitch and disturbing dog walkers near a nature reserve. Four horses were wandering over a playing field off Dawlish Road in Dudley, West Midland, England.

People walking their dogs at the site, a short distance from *Wrens Nest Nature Reserve, said the animals had been in the area for the past two

Since the beginning of January, Will and Guy have learned horses have been running riot across housing estates, stomping over gardens, and running out in front of cars.

More than 400 reports of horses being sighted in the area have been logged by council officials.

Players interviewed by Will and Guy have been concerned that match grounds have become less safe and not very salubrious since the Horsey

Squirrel Steals the Show at Arsenal Football Club

Squirrel on soccer pitch

Photographed by Tom Hevezi we can show you the squirrel that stopped the match at Highbury Stadium, the former home of Arsenal FC in London, England in 2006. We were told that during Arsenal’s European encounter with Villareal in 2006, the crowd quickly turned their attention from the players to the American grey.  ‘We were chanting Squirrel! Squirrel!’ comedian and lifelong Arsenal fan Paul Kaye told reporters, ‘Kind of an odd memory to have from a Champions League semi-final.’

Football Chants

I have often speculated on how football chants are born.  Do a bunch of fans get together, have a few words, then make up the words?  Perhaps supporters find themselves in holiday resorts like Benitses or Palma Nova and the karaoke breaks down, so they improvise with a few choice words of their own.

This is my favorite chant

Newcastle fans towards Sunderland fans. ‘Going down, going down, going down. ‘

Sunderland fans reply….. ‘So are we, so are we, so are we. ‘

Collection of Football chants:

As time goes on, some are likely to become obsolete, nevertheless, they capture the ephemeral and irreverent nature of football chants.

Manchester United chant to visiting Liverpool supporters: chant to Lord of the Dance tune:

Man U Sing:

‘Park, Park, Wherever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house’

West Brom Sing:

West Bromwich Albion fans sang:
the premier league is upside down
the premier league is upside down
we’re up the top Chelsea’s bottom
the premier league is upside down

then a few seconds later… champions……………champions…………..champions.

Who ate all the Victorian pies?

fat footballer

The football chant ‘Who ate all the pies?’ dates back more than 100 years, researchers have discovered. Sung to the tune of ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’, it was directed at Sheffield United’s 24 stone goalkeeper William ‘Fatty’ Foulke by his fans in 1894.

The history was revealed in a new dictionary: ‘The Penguin Book of Clichés’. William Foulke also played professional cricket for Derbyshire and won a single cap playing football for England in 1897 against Wales. He was reputed to be 6 feet 7 inches tall.  Fatty Foulke also won the Football League championship [the equivalent of the Premier League] and two FA Cup winners medals.

Modern variation on ‘Who ate all the pies’

Toon [Newcastle United FC] fans to JF Hasselbaink. He even laughed!: ‘You’re just a fat Eddie Murphy’

More Football chants:

‘He’s here, he’s there we’re not allowed to swear
Frank Leboeuf, Frank Leboeuf’

Chelsea fans after
Leboeuf said in a radio interview that he didn’t
Like the idea of a swear word in his song.

In reference to Jamie Carragher’s
[Liverpool] Dad being banned from football stadium after being arrested for being drunk at a football match…

He’s red,
He’s sound,
He’s banned from every ground,
Carra’s dad,
Carra’s dad

To the tune of Rebel Rebel

Neville Neville, [Manchester United] you play in defense,
Neville Neville, your play is immense,
Neville Neville, like Jacko you’re bad, Neville Neville is the name of your dad.

Don’t blame it on the Biscan,
Don’t blame it on the Hamann,
Don’t blame it on the Finnan,
Blame it on Traore,
He just can’t, He just can’t, He just can’t control his feet. He just can’t, He just can’t, He just can’t control his feet. [Liverpool 2004-2005 season]

‘Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams’…

Celtic fans to Andy Goram after it revealed the goalkeeper was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

Football History

Dr Maria Hayward, an expert at Southampton University, has discovered that Henry VIII – the Tudor King who had six wives, owned a pair of football boots.

These shoes, costing four shillings [approximately £100 in today’s money] were made by his shoemaker, Cornelius Johnson, in 1525.

Dr Hayward found them in a list of the king’s clothes made when he died in 1547.

Sadly we don’t know what the football boots looked like so we cannot compare them with those worn by David Beckham or Ronaldo. However, it is not likely they were anything like the boots worn today. Historians think they were probably heavier than the normal shoes of the time and made of especially strong leather.

They needed to be strong because football during the 16th century, when Henry VIII was king, was a very tough game. ‘Football in Tudor times was a very vicious game, with no teams and no rules, so it was not a game for gentlemen, ‘comments Dr Hayward. According to a Tudor writer called Sir Thomas Elyot, it was a game of ‘beastly fury and extreme violence’.

It is known that it was especially popular on Shrove Tuesday (Pancake Day) and Henry VIII even tried to ban the game because it so often led to riots and violence.

Behavior generally, it appears, has improved over the ages!

King Henry

Football Humour

Lemfids: World Cup 2014 flag mania on English roads.

England flag on car

Invasion of the Lemfids

Look out for Lemfids driving on a road near you, they are half Lemming and half Trifid.  Will and Guy are going to try to explain this Football flag mania that sweeps through English summers roughly every 2 years.  The latest invasion will be in the summer of 2014.

Lemfids look a bit like cars they may have been cars in a former life, but it’s as if they went into decay and sprouted strange appendages.  These appendages bear a strange resemblance to flags but are made of much shoddier material.  All, the effect is rather like a Trifid from a bad 1960s horror movie.

World Cup flag mania

Close examination of the Lemfids reveals that their metal bodies are made in Japan, while their nylon arms are of Chinese extraction.  Another interesting fact, despite superficial differences, all Lemfids conform to the ‘Gwill’ constant, which states that the age of the driver + the age of the vehicle = 31.

What you will see in early June is Lemfids swarming on English roads.  They may appear in other countries, but sightings in Wales and Scotland are rare.  It seems that Lemfids are performing a strange mating ritual, we have it on good authority that this protracted courtship will reach a climax with a spectacular dance on Midsummer’s Day.

As soon as England loses to Costa Rica, and thus is eliminated from the World Cup, all the Lemfids will make one last journey to Stonehenge.  It will be a sight to behold as just after midnight on June 24th / 25th all this generation of Lemfids will wave their flags at their ancestral site in Wiltshire.  After approximately 10 laps circling the ancient stones on the A344, the Lemfids will form up and drive down the A303 to Southampton.  They will then splutter along the coast road; just after they reach Brighton the Lemming effect takes over and all the Lemfids will make a beeline for Dover where they will drive serenely off the white cliffs.

car at Dover cliffs

Thus when you wake up on the 25th of June all the Lemfids will be gone from the roads.  Yet, the amazing thing about the Lemfid is that World Cup flag mania undergoes regeneration and will return the next time England features in a major football tournament.

Look Out for These Lemfid Flags

England flag car window

Because of the poor quality of driving in England, the Department for Transport has now devised a new scheme to identify poor drivers and allow good drivers to recognize them whilst driving.

For this reason, whenever England plays in a tournament, Lemfid drivers display the following bad behavior:

  • Overtaking in dangerous places.
  • Hovering within one inch of the car in front.
  • Stopping sharply.
  • Speeding in residential areas.
  • Pulling out without indication.
  • Performing U-turns inappropriately in busy streets.
  • Undertaking on motorways taking up more than one lane in multi-lane roads.
  • Displaying World Cup flag mania.

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to the door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department for Transport

17th May 2014.

England World Cup Mania

England Flags

William Hodgson had decked out his Sunderland house with flags as though England had already won the World Cup.

However, an anonymous resident complained to Sunderland Housing Group that the decorations were making the street look untidy.

Although the Sunderland House committee supported the England team, they still ordered Mr. Hodgson to remove some of the flags in the interests of neighborhood harmony.

Mr Hodgson said: ‘I’d like to know who made the complaint, but they said they weren’t obliged to tell me. ‘ I’d just like to ask them why.’

He added that it had taken three weeks to put up the flags, with the help of his son.

Sunderland Housing Group said in a statement: ‘Sunderland Housing Group, like everyone in England, is firmly supporting the England team and is happy for its tenants to demonstrate their national fervor, by flying the flag on their homes.

‘Sadly some of our tenants have upset their neighbors by bedecking their entire homes in flags.

‘They’ve asked us to have the flags removed. In the interests of neighborhood harmony, We’ve asked the Hodgsons to tone it down a bit, but we hope the flag continues to fly in Kingsway and that everyone enters the spirit of supporting our boys.’

Faces of World Cup 2014

World cup painted faces

Football Humour Pedaspheraphobia

The next part of our football jokes is dedicated to “Pedaspheraphobia”.

Pedaspheraphobia Fear of Football

Human Genome

Chinese doctors have identified the human gene that causes Pedaspheraphobia. Not surprisingly, it has become the subject of many football jokes.


Dr. Chang of the Beijing University of Chinese Medicine and Pharmacology, reports that symptoms of Pedaspheraphobia include vertigo and nausea whenever watching sports.  Football on television is particularly likely to set off adverse reactions.  However, the doctor admitted that other sports could cause the same symptoms.


Physical symptoms are a rash on the neck and torso, often triggered by match commentary.  In severe cases, the patient suffers from palpitations.  There is also a tendency towards accompanying irrational behaviour such as turning off the television and hiding the remote control.

What interests the team at the University is that Pedaspheraphobia is caused by a single gene on the X chromosome.  Although the gene is comparatively rare, only affecting 7% of people, it is more prevalent in women because they have two X chromosomes and therefore double the chance of inheriting the gene.

Dr Chang has identified the locus for Pedaspheraphobia at 100764.776 Xq22.1 (see red line on the diagram of X Chromosome).  His line of research is to discover whether women who have not one, but two Xchromosomes display heightened symptoms.

Normal Male  X Y   Affected Male X Y Normal Women X X  Affected Women X X  Super Affected Women X X


Chinese doctors say that the football World Cup offers a great opportunity to learn more about the physical symptoms of Pedaspheraphobia.  One group with the affected gene, 36* women and 18 men, will be taken to a health center in Hong Kong and shown no football.  Meanwhile, a control group will be sent to Yaiyuan where they will be forced to watch every game of the world cup.

Each group will be monitored for two weeks.  For the second half of the World Cup, the groups will be swapped and monitoring will continue.  Dr Chang explained this would enable comparisons to be made between the groups and within the groups.  He was hopeful of obtaining some fresh data to help understand the phenomenon of Pedaspheraphobia.

* The women’s group will be made up of 18 with X X  and 18 with X X

Football Humour, Peter Crouch

We couldn’t resist including this picture as a part of our football jokes:

Peter Crouch

Peter Crouch Background

Peter Crouch, England’s 6’7′ striker seen here scoring for Tottenham against Chelsea.

Peter Crouch first came to Will’s attention while playing for his local team Portsmouth.  As you may know, Crouch is the tallest footballer playing in the top flight.  We predict that his aerial domination will play a crucial part in England winning the World Cup 2006 in Germany.

Peter Crouch Causes Slump of Wide-screen T.V.

Wide TV
Wide TV High

Sales of Wide Screen T.V. plummet.  The reason England fans realize that they cannot see all of Peter Crouch on the 1333 x 768-pixel models.

The answer is the revolutionary 1333 x 3413-pixel model that Will and Guy are seeking to franchise.

Crouch dances

After Peter Crouch, the Liverpool and England football striker, celebrated his goal against Hungary in a pre-World Cup friendly with a 1980’s style robotic dance bookmakers in the UK have been taking bets for the future.

His clever footwork has earned him a quote of 50-1 to win the next pro-celebrity ‘ Strictly Come Dancing’ TV spectacular where entrants trip the light fantastic in competition.

A better bet is for Peter Crouch to win the ‘Golden Boot’ award [top goal scorer] in the 2006 World Cup.   Will and Guy advise you to get a bet at the generous odds of 66-1.  You are going to hear a lot of ‘ Beckham crosses, and Crouch scores.  We are not mad about his robotic dance but trust us, you will get used to his strange celebration routine.


You don’t often see Subbuteo and dance in the same sentence, but here goes. The robotic dance of gangly England striker Peter Crouch is to be captured in a Subbuteo figure. MB Games hopes to release the figure in time for the World Cup. A spokesman for the firm said, ‘The Crouchbop has made its way into the public consciousness, so it seems like the right thing to do.’

Football Nicknames

Football nicknames are an important part of football jokes. Let’s see:

What’s in a Name?

It’s part of sporting culture to give teammates nicknames.  Here is Will and Guy’s collection of football nicknames.

Football Player’s Nicknames

Edson Arantes do Nascimento = Pele.  As a very small child, he used to pretend he was a goalkeeper and would say, ‘I’m Bile’ (the name of a goalkeeper of those times) after each save. ‘Pele’ came from the wrong pronunciation of  ‘Bile’.

Manoel dos Santos = Garrincha. (One of the greatest forwards to play for Brazil with Pele.  ‘Garrincha’ is the name of a bird that Manoel liked to hunt when he was a child).

Diego Maradona = El Pibe de Oro (Some English supporters know him by other names!  However, Maradona was a footballing genius.)

John Charles = The Gentle Giant Brilliant Wales, Swansea, Leeds, and Juventus player. Quite simply, John Charles is one of the finest footballers ever.

Swansea honors its Gentle Giant A memorial to Swansea football great John Charles has been unveiled at the Liberty Stadium as his home city club played their last game of the 2007 season.

All the players in this section would at least be considered for a ‘World 11’.  However, none of the others were revered in a foreign land DURING THEIR PLAYING DAYS quite the way that Welshman John Charles was feted in Italy.

Lev Yashin = The Black Spider USSR. (Had the best anticipation that I have ever seen in a goalkeeper)

Franz Beckenbauer = The Kaiser (Led West Germany and Bayern Munich to many triumphs. A skillful and thoughtful player)

Gerd Muller = The Fat One or Bomber (He certainly could score goals)

Ferenc Puskas = The Galloping Major (A little left-footed genius from the famous Hungary side of the early 1950’s)

It’s not just footballers that attract nicknames, see here for cricket nicknames as rugby nicknames

More Football Nicknames

Jack Charlton = The Giraffe (Have you seen his neck and his legs?)

Marco Van Basten = The Swan of Utrecht (A great goal scorer)

Ruud Gullit = Il Tulipo Nero (The black tulip : a gem of a player)

Stuart Pearce = Psycho (Would run through a brick wall for his team)

David Unsworth = Rhino (Look at the size of his legs!)

Chris Waddle = Dribbler fou [Crazy dribbler] (Named this by the Monaco supporters after his spell in the French league)

Paul Gascoigne = Gazza

Chopper Harris (Chopper had the original and best scythe tackle, amazingly, some of his challenges were even legal.  The greatest thing watching Chopper was that you could see his tackle coming five seconds before he made his hit.)

David Beckham = Goldenballs (Named by his wife ‘ Posh’ in her autobiography)

Eusebio = The ‘Black Panther’ (Excellent and quick center-forward)

Paul Ince = The ‘Guv’ nor’

(Always wanted to be, and was, in charge)

Zinedine Zidane = ‘Zizou’

Kevin Keegan = Mighty Mouse

Darren Anderton = Shaggy (After TV cartoon character) and Sicknote (Often unable to play due to injury)

Real, Yet Amusing, Names of Footballers

This section of our football jokes is dedicated to funny names of footballers:

  • Hilario is in the Chelsea squad in the English premiership.
  • Australia once had a goalkeeper called Norman Conquest.
  • Harry Daft won five England caps.
  • The Seychelles’, Johnny Moustache has yet to hit the big time.
  • Midfielder Frank Awanka remains unknown outside Luxembourg. [Good thing too, say Will and Guy]
  • Wagner, Mozart, and Bismarck all played in Germany recently.
  • Segar Bastard played for England and later became a referee. [There is no truth in the rumor that his name is regularly chanted at football matches in Britain.]
  • Roberto López Ufarte, born in Morocco and played in La Liga, Spain, tends to raise a smile.
  • Nicky Butt played for England, Manchester United, and Newcastle United.
  • Martyn Booty played for Reading.
  • Rafael Felipe Scheidt, once of Celtic [cost £4.9 million in 1999] and of whom a fellow professional said, ‘The guy couldnae trap a bag of cement.’
  • Lionel Prat played for Le Havre AC and had a trial for Aberdeen.
  • Dean Windass: Hull City, Bradford City, Oxford, and Middlesbrough always raised a grin.
  • New world meets old world – Mozart plays for Spartak Moscow.

Funny Football Bloopers

Thank goodness there is no censorship otherwise we would never have a constant source of football bloopers.  Possible David Coleman and his Colemanballs are the most famous, nevertheless, we have trapped some great football bloopers.

One Dozen of the Best Football Bloopers

And now we have the formalities over, we’ll have the National Anthems. – Brian Moore

‘We signed to play until the day we died.  And we did – Jimmy Greaves, bemoaning players frequently change clubs.

The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final. – Lawrie McMenemy

It’s now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes. – Piccadilly RadioFootball Bloopers

I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in. – Terry Venables

It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked. – Barry Davies

We have been saying this, both pre-season and before the season started. – Len Ashurst

But as you know, the result for City is not as bad as it sounds on paper. – Steve McIllwenn

Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised. – Ian McNail

Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them. – Peter Jones

It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box. – Bobby Charlton

Believe it or not, goals can change a game. – Mike Channon

Another Dozen Funny Football Bloopers

Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net. – Mike England

You’ll be hoping that this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started. – Andrew Gidley

Ian Durant has grown both physically and metaphorically in the close season. – Jock Wallace

It will be a shame if either side loses, and that applies to both sides. – Jock Brown

Peter Shilton conceded five, you don’t get many of those to the dozen. – Des Lynam

Everything in our favor was against us – Danny Blanchflower

I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Rumania. – Ron Greenwood

Butcher goes forward as Ipswich throws their last trump card into the fire. – Byron Butler

John Lyall, very much a claret and blue man, from his stocking feet to his hair. – Peter Jones

Whoever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins. – Denis Law

The Republic of China – back in the Olympic Games for the first time. – David Coleman

Amusing Quotes from Football Managers

Ivor Powell

Ivor a Welshman, who successfully managed Bradford City, and Carlisle allegedly uttered these words after a good season on the field, ‘Without doubt, one of the secrets of our successful season was the harmonium in the dressing room.’

After a celebratory dinner, he was heard to say, ‘We had a lovely meal. Lovely. We had a big steak with all the tarnishings.’

Ron Saunders

Big Ron, of Aston Villa and Birmingham fame, when asked about unrest in the dressing room and behind the scenes supposedly replied, ‘Allegations are all very well but I would like to know who these alligators are.’

When asked to explain how a 2-0 lead became a 3-2 defeat Saunders uttered the immortal words, ‘As I see it, if you’re going to commit suicide, you don’t do it yourself.’

Dick Duckworth

Dick Duckworth spoke to John Sadler in 1962 to say how pleased he was with Scunthorpe’s side. He commented, ‘I think I have the best side I’ve ever had now. We have a nice blend of old ‘uns and youngsters. I think I’ve got the mucus of a good team.’

[all these quotes come from John Sadler, the respected sports journalist’s article in the Guardian newspaper 14.08.2007]

Will and Guy’s Marvellously Funny Football Howlers

  • For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the yellow strip.  – John Motson, BBC Commentator
  • It’s now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score line on Saturday.  – BBC Radio 5 Live
  • Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. – Ian Darke, Commentator
  • Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead. – Tom Perrie, Commentator
  • It’s headed away by John Clark, using his head.  – Derek Rae, Commentator
  • Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.  – John Greig, Football Analyst
  • Forest has now lost six matches without winning. – David Coleman, BBC Sports Journalist.
  • That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass. – Murdo Macleod.
  • Xavier, who looks just like Zeus, not that I have any idea what Zeus looks like…?  – Alan Green, BBC Football Commentator
  • I’d be surprised if all 22 players are on the field at the end of the game – one’s already been sent off.  – Jimmy Greaves
  • Hearts are now playing with a five-man back four.  – Alan McInally
  • Andy Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.  – Alan Parry, Football Commentator
  • Scotland doesn’t have to score tonight, but they do have to win.  – Billy McNeill, Football Pundit
  • He’s got a knock on his shin there, just above the knee. – Frank Stapleton, Pundit
  • If that had gone in it would have been a goal. –  David Coleman
  • I don’t read the papers, I don’t gamble, I don’t even know what day it is! – Steve Mclaren
  • If you are in the six-yard box, standing in an offside position, then you are offside. –Steve Bruce

Yet More Amusing Bloopers from Footballers and Their Managers

Portsmouth are at Huddersfield, which is always away. – Jimmy Greaves

Bryan Robson, well, he does what he does and his future is in the future. – Ron Greenwood

Wayne Clarke is one of the famous Clarke family, and he’s one of them, of course. – Brian Moore

It’s a Renaissance, or put more simply, some you win, some you lose. – Des Lynam

Football is a game of skill, we kicked them a bit and they kicked us a bit. – Graham Roberts

£5.3 million is a large loaf to be thrown away before a ball’s been kicked. – Jimmy Greaves

So that’s 1-0, sounds like the score at Boundary Park where of course it’s 2-2. – Jack Wainwright

I do want to play the long ball and I do not want to play the short ball. I think long and short balls are what football is all about. – Bobby Robson

Interviewer: In your new book, Pat, You’ve devoted a whole chapter to Jimmy Greaves – Pat Jennings: Yes that’s right, well what can you say about Jimmy?

I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team has to score two to win. – Howard Wilkinson

Here’s Brian Flynn. His official height is five feet five and he doesn’t look much taller than that.

Hodge scored for Forest after only 22 seconds, totally against the run of play. – Peter Lorenzo

We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas Day. – Bobby Gould

Well, we got nine and you can’t score more than that. – Bobby Robson

Don’t tell those coming in now the result of that fantastic match. Now let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal. – David Coleman

Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. – Byron Butler

Even when you’re dead you shouldn’t lie down and let yourself be buried. – Gordon Lee

And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season. – Alan Parry

I don’t know if that result’s enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it’ll certainly take them above Sunderland.- Mike Ingham

Funny Football Photos

Put Him Out of His Misery!

Referee with Gun cartoon

Funny Game, Football

That game of football makes no sense to me. Why do they have 22 big guys fighting over one silly little football? A whole lot easier to give
each of them a football and call it a day!

More Players that Need Shooting?

Argentine Footballers with handbags

Watch the Game – Ref

A spectator at a local league match at Bransbury Park, Portsmouth kept up a constant barrage of insults and derogatory remarks directed against the referee.

Finally, the referee could stand it no longer. He marched over to the sideline and, looking the noisy spectator squarely in the eye, shouted,
‘Look here – I’ve been watching you for the last twenty minutes…………………….’

‘I thought so, ‘the spectator retorted loudly, ‘I knew you couldn’t have been watching the game.’

Undercover reporter

Football reporter grass jacket

Cars Race At Wembley Stadium

Wembley Car race

The hallowed turf at the newly built Wembley where football is normally played [soccer to our visitors from the USA] has been transformed into a race track.

It’s sure to come as a shock to football fans who were already horrified by the state of the pitch. The makeover is in preparation for the Race of Champions on Sunday, December 16, 2007, when 16 of the world’s best drivers, including Michael Schumacher and Jenson Button, go head-to-head. The drivers will compete in identical cars around the specially designed parallel track.  The pitch, which was highly criticized before, during, and after England’s 3-2 defeat to Croatia in the crucial Euro 2008 qualifier, will be re-laid afterward.

In between the Race of Champions heats, the organizers say drivers and fans will be ‘wowed’ by a series of daredevil exhibitions, including bike stunts and F1 car demonstrations. Reports the Telegraph online.

The confirmed drivers are Schumacher, Button, Priaulx, Coulthard, Sebastian Vettel, Sebastien Bourdais, Tom Kristensen, Mattias Ekstrom, Jimmie Johnson, Travis Pastrana, Marcus Grönholm, Heikki Kovalainen, Alister McRae, and Yvan Muller.

For old-timers, going to the race track at Wembley Stadium would mean watching ‘cherry hogs’ = dogs, and not cars.

Do Not Wear Football Boots on the Pitch!

Football signs

They must have known that the Colombian team was in town!

Most international footballers get new boots every game but not the Columbians.  The Colombian football team, who have not qualified for the World Cup but play Germany in a friendly, had to cancel their training session Wednesday because they had no boots.

The South Americans arrived earlier in the day from Poland where they beat the Polish side.  The players’ boots somehow went walkabout
between the two destinations.

Wurst Boots Ever?  – Funny Football Boots

Worst football boots

Better Than Nothing!

Soccer player playing in flippers

Crowds for The Big Match

Fans on building watching match

Funny Football Picture – Nicu wrote in to say he thinks this photo was taken in Romania because Asigurari means insurance in Romanian.

Stupid Football Remarks

And now an International Soccer Special, Manchester United v Southampton. – David Coleman

Real possession football, this.  And Zico’s lost it.- John Helm

52,000 people here at Maine Road tonight, but my goodness me, it seems like 50,000. – Byron Butler

I think Charlie George was one of Arsenal’s all-time great players. A lot of people might not agree with that, but I personally do.- Jimmy Greaves

That goal surprised most people, least of all myself.- Garth Crooks

Nottingham Forest are having a bad run, they’ve lost six matches in a row now without winning. – David Coleman

He hit the post, and after the game people will say, well, he hit the post. – Jimmy Greaves

At the end of the day, the Arsenal fans demand that we put eleven players on the pitch. – Don Howe

Funny Football Jokes & Quotes

The following footaball jokes are represented as quotes.

Footballers’ Quotes As Reported in the British Press

Here are some of best the one-liner football jokes and quotes from the British press.

  • ‘I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country’.  Ian Rush
  • ‘I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona’.  Mark Draper
  • ‘Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian Cup?’  Shaun Newton
  • ‘Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win’.  Vinny Jones
  • ‘I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock’.  Barry Venison
  • ‘My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7’.  David Beckham
  • ‘I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet’.  David Beckham
  • ‘I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league’.  Mark Viduka
  • ‘I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right’.  Lee Hendrie
  • ‘Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well, he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level. But he’s the best manager I’ve ever had’.  David Beckham
  • ‘If you don’t believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day’.  Neville Southall
  • ‘Germany are a very difficult team to play…they had 11 internationals out there today’.  Steve Lomas

I have to say that, for once, American sportsmen interview so much better, it’s as if the NFL, Baseball, and Basketball players have all been to media school, whereas our soccer players learn and speak their own dialect of English.

Funny Football jokes & Howlers From Managers and Players

Next, let’s focus on further football jokes from managers and players:

  • It was really difficult for us, playing in the midday sun with that three o’clock kick-off.  – David Beckham
  • Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil, than English sides like Wales.  – Ron Greenwood, former England Manager
  • I don’t read the papers, I don’t gamble, I don’t even know what day it is!  – Steve Mclaren
  • I came to Nantes two years ago and it’s much the same today, except that it’s totally different.  – Kevin Keegan
  • Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.  – John Greig, Football Analyst
  • That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass. – Murdo Macleod.
  • Hearts are now playing with a five-man back four.  – Alan McInally
  • Solskjaer never misses the target. That time he hit the post.  – Peter Schmeichel
  • He’s got a knock on his shin there, just above the knee.  – Frank Stapleton
  • If you are in the six-yard box, standing in an offside position, then you are offside.  – Steve Bruce

Bill Shankly

war vet grave gif

Bill Shankly, the late, legendary Liverpool FC manager reputedly said, ‘Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I’m very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.’ It appears that this Italian fan thinks much the same:

An Italian football fan has started putting up a grave every time his team loses a major match. Inter Milan fan, Massimo Pecorino, 52, has so far erected more than 20 gravestones on a local mountainside. He says grave mistakes can only be marked by a grave where he buries his hopes and dreams, near his hometown of Cortona.

Pecorino said, ‘Instead of enjoying a celebration I felt like I was at a funeral, so I spent the day carving out my fury on a stone.’

Another Selection of Funny Football jokes & Quotes

The third part of our football jokes and quotes is probably the best one.

  • ‘I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well. – Alan Shearer
  • ‘You’ve got to believe that you’re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out’. – Peter Shilton
  • ‘I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing. – Ade Akinbiyi
  • ‘Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match’. – Ian Wright
  • ‘I’m as happy as I can be – but I have been happier’. – Ugo Ehiogu
  • ‘Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough’. – Jonathan Woodgate
  • ‘I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel’. – Stuart Pearce
  • ‘The Brazilians were South American, the Ukrainians will be more European’. – Phil Neville
  • ‘All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed’. – Mitchell Thomas
  • ‘One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best’. – Alan Shearer
  • ‘I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd’. – Johnny Giles
  • ‘Sometimes in football, you have to score goals’. – Thierry Henry.
  • ‘I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football’. – Les Ferdinand.
  • ‘It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked’. – Richard Rufus.
  • ‘There’s no in-between – you’re either good or bad. We were in between; – Gary Lineker.
  • ‘If you don’t concede any goals you’ll win more games than you lose’. – Wayne Bridge.
  • Quotes from Previous Competitions
  • ‘He has just gone behind my back in front of my face.’ – Craig Bellamy
  • ‘Bolton are literally encamped on the edge of the box.’ – Lawrie Sanchez
  • ‘When you make a mistake, that becomes a mistake.’ – Terry Venables
  • ‘They are the victims of their own downfall.’ – David Pleat
  • ‘If you can’t stand the heat in the dressing room, get out of the kitchen’ – Terry Venables
  • ‘Despite his white boots, he has pace and aggression’ – Kevin Keegan
  • ‘Carlton Palmer can trap the ball further than I can kick it’ – Ron Atkinson
  • ‘When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1’ – Laurie McMenemy

Football Team Struck by Lightning

In October 1998 all 11 members of a football team were killed by a bolt of lightning which left the other team unhurt, according to a
Congolese newspaper.

Kinshasa daily newspaper “L’Avenir” said local opinion – known to believe in charms and spells – was divided over whether someone had cursed the team. The two sides were drawing 1-1 in the match in eastern Kasai Province when the lightning struck the visiting team.
‘The athletes from [the home team] Basanga curiously came out of this catastrophe unscathed,’ the paper reported.  Thirty other people received burns at the match in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Will and Guy can find no official confirmation for the veracity of this report. 

Funny Football Jokes & Stories

Here we have a selection of funny football jokes represented as stories. 

Soccer Origin

The word soccer is derived from an abbreviation of association,  as in Association Football.  In 1890 it was spelt variously as socca and socker.  It is said that upper-class sportsmen had a fad of adding ‘er’
to everything.  Rugby became rugger and Socca became soccer.  Incidentally, my favorite example of this type of patois is Pragger Wagger, a slang word for the Prince of Wales (Later Edward VII).

Medical School

A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years.  Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, ‘How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?’

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered,  ‘A Premiership football coach?’

Portsmouth -v- Southampton Rivalry

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in West Hampshire and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Southampton fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Saints fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: ‘Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?’

‘Because I’m not a Southampton fan’, she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: ‘Well if you’re not a Saints fan, then who are you a fan of?’

‘I’m a Portsmouth fan, and proud of it’, Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears.

‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Pompey fan?’

‘Because my mum and dad are from Portsmouth, and my mum is a Pompey fan and my dad is a Pompey fan, so I’m a Pompey fan too!’

‘Well, ‘said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that’s no reason for you to be a Portsmouth fan. You don’t
have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer and car thief, what what you be then?’

‘Then’, Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Southampton fan.’

(Incidentally, Will is a lifelong Portsmouth Supporter.  Naturally, you could amend the story to suit other rival clubs.)

Norwich -v- Ipswich Rivalry  (Can be modified for storytelling

car full of bottles

An Ipswich van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Norwich City fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous green and yellow colors. He would swerve to hit them, there would be a loud ‘thud’ and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, ‘Where are you going, Father?’ I’m going to say mass at St. Joseph’s church, about 2 miles down the road’ replied the priest. ‘No problem Father! I’ll give you a lift! climb in!’

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road.

Suddenly the driver saw a Norwich fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the Norwich fan. However, even though he was certain he missed the Norwich fan, he still heard a loud ‘thud’.  Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything he turned to the priest and said, ‘I’m sorry Father, I almost hit that Norwich fan, ‘ That’s okay’ replied the priest. ‘I got him with the door!’

The World’s Smallest Football League

Isle of Scilly Map

Will and Guy have established that the Isles of Scilly, UK, is home to the smallest football league in the world, with just two teams who play each other every week.

The way they pick the teams reminds me of playing games in school.

And the essence of this idea is one of the football jokes itself.

Another Unusual Football Story

This unusual story is a part of our football jokes.

Bungay -v – Bungay

All 22 football players share the same name in the match.

We are delighted to share with you this rather eccentric football tale among our football jokes.

A football match where all 22 players, referees, linesmen, and reserves shared the same name of Bungay took place in the town of Bungay in Suffolk. Bungay is one of Britain’s rarest names with only 455 people called Bungay in the country – just 12 people per million.

Bungay name on shirt

The Bungays came from Britain, Australia, and America and they turned up for the match which is believed to be the first in the world using all players of the same name. The mixed-sex teams were able to tell each other apart as they had different red and blue shirts – but all had Bungay printed on the back. The mascot for the match was an eight-year-old Carla Bungay and the doctor on hand to treat any injuries was Dr Elizabeth Bungay.

The idea for the match came about after Shaun Cole who is on the Bungay Town FC management committee decided to investigate ways of promoting the Anglian Combination League club. He saw a mention of the London advertising and public relations company Beattie McGuinness Bungay on Twitter and contacted the firm to see if anyone called Bungay worked there.

Mr Cole, 51, ended up speaking to the firm’s director Bil Bungay who suggested they find as many Bungays as possible to play in a football match. He then searched the BT directory inquiries website to find addresses for 68 families with the name. Mr Cole wrote to all the Bungays he could find and contacted others internationally on Facebook and Twitter.  Retired lorry driver Chris Tiiffer Bungay, 57, of Queensland, Australia, agreed to play in the match while combining it with a holiday to visit his relatives in Britain.

Mr Cole found qualified referee John Bungay, 61, from Eastleigh, Hampshire, England, who agreed to officiate. His two sons Andrew, 37, and Graeme, 34, also attended.  All profits from the match; which was drawn 6-6, went to The Jack and Ada Beattie Foundation, which supports vulnerable people.

Footballer Transferred for 15 kg of Sausage Meat

A Romanian football team is apparently demanding a refund after having bought a player for a transfer fee of 15 kilos of pork sausages. Defender Marius Cioara retired a day later saying he could not face any more sausage-related taunts at his expense. Cioara, who played for second-division team UT Arad, was sold to fourth-division Regal Hornia for the sausage meat.

After the deal, a spokesman for Regal Hornia confirmed, ‘We gave up the team’s sausage allowance for a week to secure him, but we are confident it will be worth it. ‘However, a day after the deal was leaked to the media, Cioara announced he was giving up football and had decided to flee the country.

Ananova the News agency reports that he said, ‘The sausage taunts all got too much. They were joking but I would have got more from the Germans and making sausage-themed football jokes was a huge insult. I have decided to go to Spain where I have got a job on a farm.’

Ridiculous? A Record That Will Never Be Beaten?

You’ll find an answer among further football jokes.

Hired and fired in ten minutes

Ex-soccer star Leroy Rosenior was appointed boss of a struggling club – then sacked after ten minutes. The former West Ham and Fulham striker broke the record for English football’s shortest managerial reign after being introduced with fanfare by Torquay United, reports The Sun.

Sports journalists were summoned to a press conference which finished at 3.30 pm. Then – at 3.40 pm – Leroy was told by the chairman that the Devon club had been sold to a business consortium. And that meant he was out. Leroy, 43 said, ‘For it to happen ten minutes after I finished the press conference was a bit of a shock. But we had a good laugh about it afterward.’ Leroy smashed the previous record for the shortest time as manager – Dave [Harry] Bassett’s 72 hours at Crystal Palace in 1984.

He joked, ‘Obviously they thought I had done a fantastic job after ten minutes and let me go.’  The post was Leroy’s second stint at Torquay, who will face next season in the Conference after finishing bottom of the Football League. He was boss between 2002 and 2006 when he left by mutual consent. Since then the club has been in a managerial crisis, with four different bosses in the hot seat. Leroy added, ‘I wish them the very best of luck. They are going to sort me out a bit of compensation.’

More Funny Soccer Jokes and Stories

Let’s continue our football jokes and tell some more stories.

Take His Name Referee

Football pitch on hill

An Italian football team has been founded by former *Serie A player, Maurizio De Feo. Their claim to fame so far has not been on the football pitch.

The club’s founder, coach, secretary, doctor, and all 12 sponsors of the “Team De Feo” club, in Serino, southern Italy, have the same name: De Feo. Everyone in the playing squad also has the same name: De Feo. Their home ground can be found on……………..wait for it: Raffaele De Feo street in the town.

Will and Guy think that you couldn’t make it up. We also wonder if a team named “Jones” might be established in Guy’s home country of Wales.

*Italian Football Association Premier Division.

Lovely Generous Gesture from Birmingham City’s Star Soccer Player

French international footballer, Olivier Kapo,[full name: Narcisse-Olivier Kapo-Obou ] gave an apprentice player his car to thank him for polishing his boots throughout the season Will and Guy have discovered.

The Birmingham City player gave the lad, James McPike, his Mercedes worth £30,000 [almost $60,000] as an end-of-season present. He also agreed to pay for a year’s insurance when James, 20, said he was unable to afford it

The French midfielder, who is originally from the Ivory Coast in Africa, earns almost £1.5million [$3million] a year.

We heard that all James had asked for was Olivier’s boots as a souvenir but he ended up with his car. What a magnificent present.

Goran Granic – Loses His Bite

A Croatian football star says his team is losing matches because he can no longer commit fouls since finding God.

Hajduk Split defender Goran Granic has come in for a storm of criticism for abandoning his trademark hard tackles on opponents.

But Granic has now revealed his Catholicism is behind his softer style of play.

He told the daily newspaper Slobodna Dalmacija, ‘I’m so devoted to God now that I have started to avoid committing fouls during matches. God has created football for fun and relaxation. He would not like players to commit harsh fouls.’

He added, ‘I could probably have saved some key goals during the season, including in the Champions League qualifying games, if I had committed fouls to stop players scoring.’

Hajduk Split are reigning Croatian champions but this season they failed to qualify for the Champions League and are currently fifth in the Croatian league.

Stupid Football Players

Football jokes below are about stupid players.

A football coach walked into the changing room before a game.  He looked over to his new signing and said, ‘I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed arithmetic, but we need you to be in the team. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right then you will be allowed to play.’

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, ‘Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?’

The player thought for a moment and then answered, ‘4?’

‘Did you say 4?’ the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it correct.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting…, ‘Come on coach, give him another chance!’

The Football Star

As a part of our football jokes, we’ll also focus on specific football stars.

Peyton, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A woman is standing three floors up on a ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

‘Hey, lady, ‘yells Peyton, ‘Throw me the cat.’

‘No, ‘she cries, ‘It’s too far.’

‘I play football, I can catch him.’

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Peyton kisses her cat goodbye, and then tosses the moggy down onto the street. Peyton keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Peyton runs into the street and catches the cat. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers. Peyton does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then Peyton ‘ spikes’ the cat
into the pavement.

World Cup Thief’s Own Goal

A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman’s handbag was caught after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim’s husband.

The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered the ticket in her bag. He took the woman’s place in the stadium where he was met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called
security. A Munich police spokesman said, ‘The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim’s husband, who immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.’

Rubbergate – Did Roland Linz Wear Jewellery?

Austria Magna striker Roland Linz was sent off for supposedly wearing jewelry.   However, on appeal, Austria’s football league overturned the decision by referee Dietmar Drabek.  Nevertheless, it was not all good news for Austria Magna because the disciplinary committee ruled that Austria Magna’s 3-0 defeat away to title rivals Salzburg would stand.

What happened was Austria Magna striker Roland Linz was sent off for a second yellow card in the 28th minute of Sunday’s clash.  The referee’s
version was he saw the player taking a bracelet over to his team’s dugout.  Referee Drabek, who had booked an opposition player for wearing jewelry a few moments earlier, told reporters that he had told Linz to remove the bracelet before the kick-off.

What league leaders Austria Magna wanted was the game replayed.  They insist that their player was not wearing a bracelet and had in fact taken some coins and a rubber band off the pitch.

In delivering a judgment on Solomon, the disciplinary committee said that it would uphold the appeal against Linz’s dismissal.  However, they were not going to sanction a re-match.  Earlier on Monday, the league’s refereeing commission gave its backing to Drabek — citing FIFA regulations which ban the wearing of jewelry during football matches.

Speaking to the club’s website shortly after the disciplinary committee’s announcement, Austria Magna’s sporting director Peter Stöger said the matter, which had been labeled ‘rubber gate’ was now closed.

‘This judgment shows that mistakes have happened and that it was therefore right of us to question events. Of course, we cannot say what would have happened if we had played 90 minutes with 11 men, but in the spirit of sport and fairness we accept the result.’

Director Stöger added that the team would now be concentrating on Sunday’s home match, which coincidentally is against the same opponents, Salzburg.  Fortunately, as a result of his successful appeal, Linz will be free to play in the game.

Soccer Mascot Injured During The Warm-up

One of our best football jokes is on soccer mascots.


Chaddy the Owl is Oldham Athletics’ team mascot.  While their soccer team was languishing in mid-division, their Owl mascot was suffering in
hospital.  Wayne Hurst, who plays Chaddy the Owl decided to take an impromptu spin on a BMX bike.  Just as he passed the stands, the home
crowd cheered so Wayne decided to try a wheelie; well it was a few years since Wayne had ridden a bike and this episode ended in tears when Chaddy fell off the bike and tore ligaments in his leg.

The irony was that nobody would believe that he was hurt, everyone thought his cries of agony were all part of his act.  Eventually, a St John’s Ambulance man was not fooled and rendered assistance.  The 7ft bird with Wayne inside got the biggest cheer of the afternoon as he was wheeled off to the hospital for an x-ray on his broken wing – sorry sprained leg.

Later Wayne said in an interview, “I set off towards the fans and the bike went over. I put my leg down to stop it but went over on my ankle. I knew
as soon as I hit the ground I was in trouble. I was shouting to the stewards that I’d hurt myself, but they were just laughing at me,” continued Hurst. “Eventually the St. John’s Ambulance people came. They wanted me to take my head off so they could give me gas and air, but I said no. It’s an unwritten rule that I never take my head off in front of a crowd.”

Incidentally, Chaddy, the Owl swooped to win the Ladbrokes Mascot Grand National at Huntingdon, it was his second win.

World Cup For Women – Offside for the ladies

Have you ever heard football jokes about women? Here you go:

10 Commandments for Women During the Football World Cup

(+10 Rules of the WFE)

Extremely important recommendations for wives, girlfriends, fiancées, mothers, sisters, and daughters.

  1. From 11th June until 11th July 2010, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions.  The remote control will be fingerprinted each night, any sign of your fingerprints, and all shopping trips will be canceled for a month.
  2. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, for an important reason such as preparing snacks or getting in the beers, I don’t mind, as long as you crawl along the floor.
  3. During the football season, read the sports section of the newspaper so that you get the flavor of the football season
  4. During the games, I will be blinkered to match.  You cannot expect me to listen to you, open the door, or answer the telephone, it won’t happen.
  5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12 am and 6 am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
  6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say ‘Get over it, it’s only a game’, or ‘Don’t worry, they’ll win next time’. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never know more about football than me, and your so-called’ words of encouragement’ will only lead to a breakup or divorce.
  7. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
  8. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies or any other child-related parties or gatherings that require my attendance because: I will not go, I will not go, and I will not go. However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
  9. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. The daily football season highlights shown on TV every night are just as important as the games themselves. Do not even say ‘But you have already seen this…why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?
  10. And finally, please save your expressions such as: ‘Thank God the football season is only every 4 years’.  I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, and Spanish League.

Thank you for your co-operation on these football jokes.

Never Let It Be Said That Will and Guy Don’t Give Both Sides of the Case

WFE We, The omen for a football-free England, Rise Against the Football World Cup

  • Men steal precious broadcast time.
  • Men ignore us, pay attention no more to our needs.
  • Men are unable to communicate.
  • Men pay attention only to the ball.
  • Men all of a sudden seem to think they know all about everything.
  • Men grow ugly watching football.
  • Romantic getaways have been replaced by jeering and other loutish and boorish behavior over 22 men who have nothing better to do than running around on a field, kicking a ball back and forth for no apparent reason. Is that what separates us from the animals?
  • We women are being deluged with all things white and red! Enough already!
  • It has to be put to an end.
  • Here and now.
  • It has gone too far.
  • The fun of it has worn off already.
  • We cannot be silent any longer: love forgives only so much!
  • The WFE speaks for those who are afraid to speak.
  • The WFE stands up for those who can’t defend themselves.
  • The WFE takes a stand on behalf of all.
  • It will be hard fought and the road ahead is long. But we know that we shall be supported in our struggle.
  • We are not alone.
  • We will not be left offside any longer.
  • From now on, we Vinnie Jones the opponent, and don’t play for the ball anymore!
  • Once and for all, stop the football season!’

Hope you enjoyed these one-liner football jokes from Collen Rooney & Posh Vickie

The WFE 10 Rules

Now, as a part of our football jokes, you should know 10 WFE rules:

  1. Stop the football season: abolish the tournament, now and forever.
  2. We will not tolerate being left in the offside position any longer.
  3. Grass is for cows.
  4. A ball in the house = A ball less elsewhere.
  5. Every hour of televised football will have to be compensated with two hours of Sex and the City / Friends / Desperate Housewives. Prime Time.
  6. The WFE will use any means necessary to publicize its views: demonstrations, public stunts, and petitions… We don’t exclude any measure.
  7. Each goal scored by England will have to be compensated with one afternoon of shopping. At man’s expense.
  8. Watching the games with your mates down local boozer will have to be followed by a breakfast served in bed the next morning. For which you will be clean, shaven, and sober.
  9. All remote controls in the house are subject to WFE’s authority.
  10. In case of a breach of one or several of these rules, we will leave you!

The Offside Rule Explained for the Ladies

And again, we have a dedicated section of football jokes for the ladies.

Female soccer gif

Picture this: you’re in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has
seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse at you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk around the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse, and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

The Laws of Football

Here are football jokes in the law format:

At one point during a football (soccer) match in America, the coach said to one of his young players, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’ The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ‘ Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?’ The little boy nodded yes.

‘So, ‘the coach continued, ‘When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don’t argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?’
Again the little boy nodded. ‘Good, ‘said the coach, ‘Now go over there and explain it to your mother.’

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