Halloween Jokes

What does a witch ask for in a hotel? Broom service.

Funny, Clean Halloween Jokes

  • What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests!
  • Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine? Because he was having a coffin fit.
  • What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog? I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
  • Why wasn'tthere any food left after the monster party?'Cos everyone was a goblin.
  • Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn? It was a stake sandwich.
  • Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose? A bloodhound.
  • What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?Halloween grave jokes A dead ringer.
  • What do skeletons always order at a restaurant? Spare ribs!
  • Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart.
  • Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
Halloween One-liners What do you call serious rocks? Grave stones. What do you call pretend rocks? Shamrocks.

Trip to Walmart

It was mid-October and I was waiting for my wife, Julie, at the checkout at Walmart supermarket in Worcester, Massachusetts, USA, I noticed that someone had left behind their broom. When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting into their truck and hurried over. 'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave your broom inside?' 'No,' she retorted quickly and with a smile, 'we came by truck.'Vampire Dracula funy halloween jokes

Funny Halloween Quotes

Here are Halloween quotes to share with your friends.
  • Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.  Kurt Vonnegut
  • Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoken to.  Richard H. Barham
  • Where there is no imagination there is no horror.  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
  • At first cock-crow the ghosts must go Back to their quiet graves below.  Theodosia Garrison
  • If a man harbors any sort of fear, it makes him landlord to a ghost.  Lloyd Douglas
  • If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.  John A. Wheeler
  • We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. David Russell
  • See more funny quotes.

Clean Halloween Jokes for Kids

Kids are great at telling, devising and modifying Halloween jokes. Here are Will and Guy's collection of clean one-liners to keep your children amused on October 31st.Halloween skeleton jokes
  • What is a vampires favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
  • What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetite!
  • What is a ghoul's favourite drink? Slime juice
  • What does Mrs Ghost serve for dessert? Ice scream.
  • What do fishermen say on Halloween? 'Trick-or-trout!'
  • Where do spooks go to post a parcel? The ghost office.
  • What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man? 'Long time, no see!'
  • Why is Dracula so unpopular? Because he's a pain in the neck!
  • What runs around a cemetery but doesn't move? A fence!
  • Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghouls best friend!  (Diamonds ... Girls!)
  • What did the mother ghost say her children? 'Don't spook until you're spooken to.'

Witches Jokes for HalloweenHalloween Witches

  • Why do witches wear name tags? So that they can tell witch is which!
  • What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch.
  • Why do witches fly on brooms? Vacuum cleaner cords aren't long enough.
  • What do you call a witch's garage? A broom closet.
  • Why don't angry witches ride their brooms? They're afraid of flying off the handle.
  • What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
  • What do they teach at witches school? Spelling.
  • When is it bad luck to meet a black cat? When you're a mouse.
  • What does a witch ask for in a hotel? Broom service.skeleton dance

Ghost, Vampire, Mummy and Spook Halloween Gags

  • What happened when a boy vampire met a girl vampire? It was love at first bite!
  • How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes.
  • What's did the girl say when a vampire kissed her? It was a pain in the neck.
  • What do you call a skeleton who won't work? Lazy bones.
  • What's a skeleton's favourite musical instrument? A trom-bone!
  • Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centres.
  • Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.
  • What was the favourite game at the ghosts' birthday party? Hide and shriek.
  • What do the birds sing on Halloween? Twick or tweet.
  • Why do mummies make good employees? They get all wrapped up in their work.
  • Who did the ghost invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up!
  • Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.
  • Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn't have a haunting license.
  • How can you tell if a vampire likes baseball? The night that he goes into a bat.
  • Where do spooks water ski? On Lake Erie.
  • Where do mummies go for a swim? To the dead sea.
  • What kind of streets do zombies like to haunt? Dead end streets.Witches flying on broomsticks - jokes
  • What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count duckula.
  • What's a monster's favourite Shakespeare play? Romeo and ghouliet.
  • Who does Dracula get mail from? His fang club.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire ? Frostbite.

Halloween Superstition

John decided to play a trick on his superstitious friend Henry.  Now Henry liked a drink at the local pub every Friday night. One dark night Henry set off for home, meanwhile John hid in the churchyard. The scene was set.  Henry staggered on home, as he passed the churchyard he said out loud, 'Where am I.' John, from behind a grave, replied in a sepulchral voice: 'Ammmongst the living.' 'Then where are you then?' asked Henry. 'Ammmmongst the deeaddd' wailed John.  Henry sobered up and ran home faster than he had ever run before.

Internet Kills the Joke Telling Star

As a boy, the above yarn as told by my Uncle John would enthral we children on a cold wet autumn night.  (We celebrated 5th of November not Halloween) At a distance of 50 years I find it only moderately amusing. Perhaps I dont have his intonation and gestures. My final thought, is the internet killing yarn telling? Do you ever meet an old codger who can tell an original tall story?
Funny Halloween Jokes from Joe Labatt of Canada
  • In Canada you design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  • Joe says:  "We wait for a blizzard before going 'Trick or treating' ".
  • His best line was: "I use the trunk of my car as a deep freeze."
Footnote: Please send us your clean Halloween jokes for kids

See more funny Halloween jokes, also clean pumpkin jokes

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