Scottish Jokes

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.

A Thoughtful Scottish Husband

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Jackie – put your hat and coat on lassie.’

She replied, ‘Awe Iain that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’

‘Nah, I’m just switching the central heating off while I’m oot.’

Will and Guy’s Five Best Funny Scottish Jokes

  1. Old Sandy McPherson was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, ‘Anything I can get you, Sandy?’No reply. ‘Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’Faintly, came the answer …  ‘A wee bit of yon boiled ham.’

    ‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’

  2. A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says, ‘I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband.’The man at the desk says, ‘OK, how much money dae ye have?’ The old woman replies, ‘£5’ to which the man says, ‘Ye won’t get many words

    for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok.’ So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter. The man reads ‘Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid.’ He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying, ‘I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.’The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.  The man then reads – ‘Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale.’

  3. Hamish McHarg, a Scottish minister, was making his rounds to parish homes to receive their tithes and offerings. One of his parishioners gave but had a distinctly stingy attitude when parting with his money without receiving something in return. As he put the giftHamish commented dryly, ‘Tha Good Book says the Lord loves a cheerful giver, but the Church o’ Scotland canna be so choosy.’
  4. Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force. The inspector glared at him and asked, ‘How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?’ ‘Well,’ replied Alisdair thoughtfully, ‘I’m no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen, we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle
  5. Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments that annoy the most people in the world and place them in the “same band”.  Drums and bagpipes.

Funny Scottish One-liner

At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing £20,000 [$45,000].  He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of £200 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall, a Scottish voice shouted, ‘I’ll give £250.’

Ear Muffs

Young Jock cartoon

Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.

Noticing, however, that Archie wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, ‘Didn’t you like the earmuffs I gave you?’   Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, ‘Och, they are a wondrous thing.’

‘Then why don’t you wear them then?’

Archie explained, ‘I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.’

Haggis Special – Special Haggis?

Haggis Cartoon

Maître d’hôtel: ‘Are you here for a special occasion?’ Campbell: ‘Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.’

Maître d’hôtel: ‘What were the other prizes?’ Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you did have to eat the haggis.’

Footnote: My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.  Mike Myers

7 Funny Scottish Joke One-liners

Here are 7 short examples of Scottish Humour which are Funny and Based on Stereotypes:

  1. Sign at a Scottish golf course: ‘Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.’
  2. Do you know the first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots?… It was so their bairns couldn’t hear the ice cream vans.
  3. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?… Och! it’s not that dark!
  4. Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?… He sold her four of them.
  5. A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi…She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.
  6. Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.” Scottish Caddie: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
  7. What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.

Classic Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman and Welshman Joke

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, and Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, ‘We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.’

The Englishman responds, ‘I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.’

The Irishman replies, ‘I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.’

The Welshman answers, ‘I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.’

The Scotsman says quickly, ‘I’d like to be shot first.’

Scotsmen Encouraging the Loch Ness Monster

Loch Ness Cartoon

The Funny Story of Willie Murdoch and the Arab Sheik

Sheik Abdul Amunkir was admitted to Southampton General Hospital for heart surgery, but before the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out for help.

Finally a Scotsman, Willie Murdoch was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, Sheik Abdul sent Willie, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, and 10,000 US dollars.

A few days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

Willie Murdoch was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, ‘I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds, and some money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street.’

To this, the Arab replied, ‘Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.’

Footnote: We think this would make a great Burns Night joke.

Scottish Humour

Old Archie had served the Railway Company as Guard on the local railway for nearly fifty years, and when his time to retire arrived he found the parting a severe wrench. Hearing how keenly their old employee felt leaving the service, the Company arranged to present him with an old coach to keep at the bottom of his garden to serve as a daily reminder of his active days on the line.

One very wet day some of his friends called to see Archie and were informed by his wife that he would be ‘on the train.’ Going down the garden they found Archie sitting on the step of the carriage, smoking furiously at his pipe and with an old sack over his shoulders to protect him from the downpour.

‘Hello, Archie,’ his friends greeted him, ‘why are ye no inside in a day like this?’

‘Can ye no see?’ replied Archie with a nod towards the windows, ‘they only sent me a non-smoker.’

The Secret of a Scotsman’s Kilt

A foreign lady visitor cornered a Scotsman in the Highland Games ground and asked:
‘I heard of Scotsmen and their kilts. Do you mind telling me what’s worn under your kilt?

‘Nothing is worn under the kilt Madam; everything is in good working order’, answered the Scot smiling.

[Scottish Joke kindly sent in by MoiMoii Law]

Couldn’t Spit It Out

Scotsman Cartoon

Jock walks into a bar one day and stammers, ‘Does anyone here own that South Doberman Pinschers outside?’

‘Yeah, I do,’ a tattooed biker says, standing up. ‘What about it?’

“Well, I think my little Scotty terrier just killed him.’ ‘What are you talkin’ about?’ the biker says, disbelievingly. ‘How could your little runt kill my Doberman?’

‘Well,’ mumbled Jock, ‘it appears that he got stuck in your dog’s throat.’

The British Abroad

Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes in usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, ‘Mira el mosca.’

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, ‘No, senor, “la mosca”… es feminina.’

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, ‘Good heavens….. you must have incredibly good eyesight.’

Scottish Headache

An elderly Scotsman goes into a chemist’s shop. He says to the assistant – I have a headache, have you any aspirin.  Certainly sir, she replies. Would you like 50 or 100? No, the Scotsman says, just the one.  I’ve only got one headache.

Footnote: The above joke was kindly sent in by Nick M.  Please send us your funny Scottish jokes and one-liners.

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