Lateness Jokes
Late quote on Mug

Here is our collection of items about people who are late; also amusing stories involving delays.

Waiting Call

My son, Gareth, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Gareth discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Gareth was the master of the situation. “Pardon me,” he told his customer calmly. “I have a call on another line.”

Punctual Will – Late Dave

I’m sure that nearly everyone has a friend or relative who, however hard they try, always seems to be late. Will’s friend, Dave Barker was one such person and nearly drove Will mad when they worked together. Will was always punctual, so eventually, if they were due to meet at 9.30, Will would tell him 9.00, but I suspect Dave realized and carried on in his own sweet way and still managed to be late!

Late for School

TEACHER: Young woman, do you know what time we start school here in the morning?
PUPIL: No, Miss, I don’t. I’ve never been here for that.

TEACHER: Young man, you’ve been late for school every day this week.
PUPIL: No, Miss, I was only late for school four days this week. The other day I was absent.

TEACHER: Do you have any idea how many times you’ve been late for school this year?
PUPIL: Well, Miss, I don’t think it’s been more than once a day.

TEACHER: Young man, you’ve been late for school five days this week. Does that make you happy?
PUPIL: Sure does. That means it’s Friday.

TEACHER: Young lady, do you know what the word “tardy” means?
PUPIL: No, Miss, I don’t. You must have covered that before I got here.

One kid in our class is always late for school.  When we studied the Hundred Years War, he only showed up for the last three years.

TEACHER: Do you have a good excuse for being absent yesterday?
PUPIL: If I had a good excuse for being absent, I’d save it and use it for tomorrow.

Late for a Date

Little Miss Late

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late … and you’re still not ready?”

Late for Work

Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.  After a few weeks of this, Mr Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night’s sleep and beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Mr Johnson,” he said, “The pill my doctor subscribed me worked!” “That’s all fine,” said his boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

An Unexpected Delay

Mullah Nasruddin had saved up to buy a new shirt. He went to a tailor’s shop, full of excitement.  The tailor measured him and said, “Come back in a week, and – if Allah wills – your shirt will be ready.”

The Mullah contained himself for a week and then went back to the shop. “There has been a delay.  But – if Allah wills – your shirt will be ready tomorrow.” The following day Nasruddin returned.  “I am sorry,” said the tailor, “but it is not quite finished. Try tomorrow, and – if Allah wills – it will be ready.”

“How long will it take,” asked the exasperated Nasruddin, “if you leave Allah out of it?”

Timekeeping – Does it Matter?

Steve Cleary was in his early 50’s, retired, and had started a second career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, and really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.

‘Steven, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top-class job, but you’re being late so often is quite a worry.’

‘Yes, I realize that sir, and I am working on it.’ replied Steve.

‘I’m pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It’s odd though, that you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?’

‘They said, “Good morning, Admiral.” ‘

Jim Dunbar, of Forfar, Scotland, Lateness Sufferer

Jim has been late for everything – late for work, late for football matches, late for holidays. He’s left women standing waiting on a first date, turned up to meals with friends hours after he should have, and even arrived for funerals long after they’ve begun. But now his poor timekeeping has been diagnosed as a medical condition – Chronic Lateness Syndrome.

His family still don’t believe him. They think he’s just making excuses. But Jim says that knowing it’s a real condition and that it’s not his fault has really helped him.

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