Old Age Jokes

Here is Will and Guy’s second collection of items reflecting that old age is a gift.

As you grow older the only regrets are the things you didn’t do.

How to Age with Humour

Laura Aged 93

Just before the funeral service, Mr Thompson, the undertaker came up to Laura, the very elderly widow, and asked her, ‘How old was your husband?’

’95,’ Laura replied. ‘Just two years older than me.’

‘So you’re 93,’ Mr Thompson the undertaker observed.

Laura responded with a wry grin, ‘Hardly worth going home, isn’t it?’

Remember the Doctor

Ernie, an old man says to his doctor, ‘Doc, I’ve lost my memory.’ Doctor Sims, ‘When did this begin, Ernie?’ Ernie replies, ‘When did what begin?’

Old Age Humour – Are We There Yet?

Old age cartoon

Technology and Old Age Humour

A Funny Story – author unknown, but it could be one of many……..

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, and pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids, and 2 great-grandkids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up to Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix, and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, ‘Re-calc-u-lating.’ You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, ‘Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.’ Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, ‘No, but I do fart a lot.’

Us senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

No Refills!

Barbara, a senior citizen, was distraught, so she phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked


Aging Gracefully

1) Odometer: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me!

I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

2) Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say “You don’t look that old.. (Steve can vouch for this. Her aunt Cis, now 102 years old, when asked her age brags, “I’ll be 103 next birthday.” )

3) Waiting: The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.

 4) Prayer: (And this final one especially for me,) “Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!”

The Benefits of Aging

  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  •  One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  •  Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lost Wives

Two guys, one old, and one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that” I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?” The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom … wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?’ To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”

Taking Up Knitting

Computer strike cartoon

An Amusing and Tongue-in-Cheek Look at Retirement

Another year has passed
And we’re all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,

But lots of things, That come to mind
Just makes me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand
About ‘Living in the Past’

We used to go to friends’ homes,
Football games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.

Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn’t get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.

Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall

But, now we never bother…
All the sizes are too small.

That is how life is,
And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up…

Before you’re too darn old!

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