Funny Quotes

Sir, if you were my husband, I’d poison your drink. Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. Was Winston’s reply.

The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Funny Quotes, Some Just Witty, Others Even True

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. Brian Pickrell
If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. Joe Martin
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. Clarence Darrow
In the Book of Life, the answers aren’t in the back. Charlie Brown
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. Reba McEntire
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West
Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
After five days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. Spike Milligan
He who cannot reason is a fool. He that will not is a bigot. He that dare not is a slave. Andrew Carnegie
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. Employee Evaluation

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Anonymous
‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.’ Dorothy Parker
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. Lynda Barry
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That’s a basic spelling that every woman ought to know. Mistinguette
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.Mark Twain

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.

Patience is the companion of wisdom. Saint Augustine
The only way to have a friend is to be one. Ralph Waldo Emerson
A bowl belongs to whoever needs it. A Native American saying
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Anon
Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something. Plato

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face …. turned me over and said. ‘Look … twins!’ Rodney Dangerfield

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan
We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein’s logic. David Russell
Avoid fruit and nuts. You are what you eat. Jim Davis
I went to the doctor the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite. Tommy Cooper
There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink. Booth Tarkington
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. David Moulton.
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes
No furniture so charming as books. Sydney Smith
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. Kurt Vonnegut
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. HL Mencken
Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion. Robertson Davies

If you dig a hole for someone else, you’ll fall into it. Hungarian proverb
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don’t have a leg to stand on.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one. Spike Milligan