The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. George Burns
Some Clever and Amusing Thoughts on Being a Christian
- Under same management for over 2,000 years.
- Soul food served here.
- Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
- You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
- Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
- Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.
- We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.
- Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!
- Come early for a good seat in the back.
- Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What’s yours?
- The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
- Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
- A man’s character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
Reverend King Preaches Forgiveness
The reverend King’s sermon was based on forgiveness. He urged the congregation not to harbour grudges against those who have offended them.
Reverend King asked everyone to stand. He then said ‘those of you who forgive and forget past grievances please be seated’. About half of those in the church sat. The preacher quoted Biblical verses and repeated his question to those still standing. At this point most sat down.
He pleaded further for them to follow the Christian way and one by one they sat down. Just one old lady remained standing; ‘Madam’ reverend King asked ‘why can’t you forgive your enemies?’
‘Because I have none’ she replied.
‘That is remarkable; at your age to have no enemies is wonderful. To what do you attribute this achievement?
She gave him her best smile and replied, ‘the bitches have all died!’
What Price a Sermon?
One beautiful Sunday morning, Reverend Barnard announces to his congregation, ‘My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons……
A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.’
Today’s Hymn
Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’ With even greater emphasis he added, ‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’ Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’
The Reverend Morgan then sat down. Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, ‘For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’
Palm Sunday
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5 year old Craig stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.
Craig inquired as to what they were for.
‘People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,’ his father responded.
‘Wouldn’t you just know it?’ Craig complained, ‘the one Sunday I don’t go and he shows up.’
Unusual Burial
A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for an destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, ‘ Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.’
Ring a Bell?
Father John is walking down the street one day when he notices a Nathan, a very small boy, trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Nathan is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, Father John moves closer to Nathan’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to Nathan’s level, Father John smiles benevolently and asks, ‘And now what, my little man?’
To which Nathan replies with a beaming grin, ‘Now we run!’
Who is the Fool?
Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: ‘Fool’.
The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, ‘I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.’
Anything Breakable?
Theresa, living in Nebraska, USA, decides to post the old family Holy Bible to her brother in Maine. The postal worker enquires as to whether there is anything breakable in the parcel.
‘Only the Ten Commandments,’ Theresa replies with a smile.
Poor Sick Boy
Marty, a little boy, was in church one Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.
‘Mummy,’ he inquired, ‘can we leave now?’
‘No,’ his mother replied, ‘the service isn’t over yet.’
‘Well, I think I’m about to throw up.’ Marty announced.
‘Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.’ said Doris.
After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.
‘Did you throw up?’ Marty’s Mum asked quietly.
‘Yes,’ Marty answered, embarrassed.
‘How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?’ Doris demanded.
‘I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, “For the Sick” ‘.
Amish Humour
Sign behind an Amish carriage: Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. Extreme caution: Avoid exhaust.
Board Meeting
‘There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,’ announced Reverend Morris.
After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of church for the announced meeting. However, there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.
‘My friend,’ asked Reverend Morris, ‘did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?’
‘Oh, yes,’ came the rejoinder from the visitor, ‘and after that sermon, I’m about as bored as you can get.’
Please send us your clean Christian jokes.
Clean Christian Jokes
Will and Guy seek variety with our humour in general and Christan jokes in particular, this is why we feature yarns about Anglicans, Roman Catholics, vicars and priests.
The Funny Story of the Taxi Driver and St Peter
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
‘Come with me,’ said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Oh my word, thank you,’ said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,’ said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ St Peter rejoined, ‘ But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’
A Comic Fishing Tale
One day a Catholic an Anglican and a Methodist decided to go fishing. They got in their boat and rowed their way over to the middle of the lake.
The Catholic remarked, ‘I’ve forgotten my hat,’ so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.
He returned and the Anglican said, ‘I’ve forgotten the fishing bait,’ so he got up, climbed out of the boat and walked across the water.
He came back and the Methodist murmured, ‘I’ve forgotten the beer.’ He got up, jumped out of the boat and was standing in the water then he sank.
The Anglican turned to the Catholic and asked, ‘Do you think we ought to tell him were the stepping stones are?’
The Funny Story of Father O’Malley and the Acrobat
As soon as she had finished at St Mary’s convent school in Mullingar, a bright young girl named Aileen shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father O’Malley recognised her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father O’Malley, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two elderly ladies. They witnessed Aileen’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, ‘Will you just look at the penance Father O’Malley is giving out this night, and me without me bloomers on.’
Miracle?
Father O’Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, ‘Father, have you been drinking?’
‘Only water’, replied Father O’Malley.
The policeman asked, ‘Then how come I can smell wine?’
The priest looked at the bottle and said, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again.’
The Funny Fable of the Foolish Friars
A group of Carmelite friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought that the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close their doors, but they ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh Mordor, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close up shop.
Hugh attacked and beat the friars mercilessly and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close down immediately.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Church News
We collect our stories from Pews News and other church publications. Here is a snippet from the the Roman Catholic Holy Spirit Church in Marple, Stockport in the diocese of Shrewsbury.
Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.
New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet. All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.
Charity Begins at Home?
A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar’s wife, who was well known for her charity.
As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, ‘I’d like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.’
‘How frightful!’ exclaimed the vicar’s wife. ‘May I ask who you are?’
The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, ‘I’m their landlord.’
Out of the Mouths of Children
The Hand of God
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother commented, ‘Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?’
‘Yes, ‘replied Philip, ‘God did it and he did it left handed.’
This confused his grandmother so she asked him, ‘What makes you say God did this with his left hand?’ ‘Well, ‘said Philip, ‘we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand.’
Bible Study
Richard, my friend’s little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied.
His reply was, ‘Nothing.’
So I asked him, ‘Didn’t you study Jesus?’
Richard’s reply was, ‘No, he wasn’t even there.’
Chosen – True Story
Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. ‘Guess what, Mom,’ he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me … ‘I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.’
