Christian Jokes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then have the two as close together as possible.  George Burns

Some Clever and Amusing Thoughts on Being a Christian

  • Under the same management for over 2,000 years.
  • Soul food is served here.
  • Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.
  • You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
  • Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
  • Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church.
  • We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.
  • Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!
  • Come early for a good seat in the back.
  • Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What’s yours?
  • The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
  • Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
  • A man’s character is like a fence.  It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

Reverend King Preaches Forgiveness

The reverend King’s sermon was based on forgiveness. He urged the congregation not to harbor grudges against those who have offended them.

Reverend King asked everyone to stand. He then said ‘Those of you who forgive and forget past grievances please be seated’. About half of those in the church sat. The preacher quoted Biblical verses and repeated his question to those still standing. At this point, most sat down.

He pleaded further for them to follow the Christian way and one by one they sat down. Just one old lady remained standing; ‘Madam’ reverend King asked ‘Why can’t you forgive your enemies?’

‘Because I have none’ she replied.

‘That is remarkable; at your age to have no enemies is wonderful. To what do you attribute this achievement?

She gave him her best smile and replied, ‘the bitches have all died!’

What Price a Sermon?

One beautiful Sunday morning, Reverend Barnard announces to his congregation, ‘My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons…… A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.

Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.’

Today’s Hymn

Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, ‘If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’  With even greater emphasis he added, ‘And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’  Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, ‘And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it
into the river.’

The Reverend Morgan then sat down. Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, ‘For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’

Palm Sunday

It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Craig stayed home from church with a babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.

Craig inquired as to what they were for.

‘People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,’ his father responded.

‘Wouldn’t you just know it?’ Craig complained, ‘The one Sunday I don’t go and he shows up.’

Unusual Burial

A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, ‘ Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.’

More Clean Christian Jokes

Ring a Bell?

Father John is walking down the street one day when he notices Nathan, a very small boy, trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, Nathan is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, Father John moves closer to Nathan’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow, and placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to Nathan’s level, Father John smiles benevolently and asks, ‘And now what, my little man?’

To which Nathan replies with a beaming grin, ‘Now we run!’

Who is the Fool?

Father George was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: ‘Fool’.

The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, ‘I have known many people who have written letters to me and forgotten to sign their names.  But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.’

Anything Breakable?

Theresa, living in Nebraska, USA, decides to post the old family Holy Bible to her brother in Maine. The postal worker enquires as to whether there is anything breakable in the parcel.

‘Only the Ten Commandments,’  Theresa replies with a smile.

Poor Sick Boy

Marty, a little boy, was in church one Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick.

‘Mummy,’ he inquired, ‘can we leave now?’

‘No,’ his mother replied, ‘the service isn’t over yet.’

‘Well, I think I’m about to throw up.’ Marty announced. ‘Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.’ said Doris.

After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.

‘Did you throw up?’ Marty’s Mum asked quietly. ‘Yes,’ Marty answered, embarrassed.

‘How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?’ Doris demanded.

‘I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, “For the Sick” ‘.

Amish Humour:

Sign behind an Amish carriage: Energy efficient vehicle.  Runs on grass and oats.  Extreme caution: Avoid exhaust.

Board Meeting

‘There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,’ announced Reverend Morris.

After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the church for the announced meeting. However, there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.

‘My friend,’ asked Reverend Morris, ‘did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?’

‘Oh, yes,’ came the rejoinder from the visitor, ‘and after that sermon, I’m about as bored as you can get.’

Good Clean Adam jokes

Where did Adam’s jokes come from?  I know they have been around for a few years, but I don’t remember them in my youth, and I recall a sudden craze.  What is the history of Adam jokes?

Adam Jokes

Here are Adam’s 10 Alternative Commandments

  1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hated to ask for directions.
  2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don’t want to see what’s ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
  3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
  4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment for himself.
  5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
  6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
  7. As ‘Keeper of the Garden’, Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
  8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
  9. As the Bible says, ‘It is not good for man to be alone!’
  10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, ‘I can do better than that.’

Something to ponder

If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?

Adam Revealed

Four-year-old Robert opened the big bible which had been in his family for years.  Absolutely fascinated, he flicked through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the bible. Robert picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old dry leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

‘Mum, look what I’ve found’, the boy called out.’ What have you got there, dear?’

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think I’ve found Adam’s underwear!’

Help from God

A woman named Edna finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray…’ God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.’

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Edna again prays… ‘God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.’

Lotto night comes and Edna still has no luck.

Once again, she prays, ‘My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Edna is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

‘Edna, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.’

God and Satan

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: ‘You want hot fudge with that?’ And Man said: ‘Yes!’ And Woman said: ‘I’ll have one too …with sprinkles.’ And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: ‘Try my fresh green garden salad.’ And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic
croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: ‘I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.’ And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with
a cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, ‘You want fries with that?’ And Man replied: ‘Yes! And super size ‘ em!’ And Satan said: ‘It is good.’ The man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed…and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And then…Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service……………

  • What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve.

Not an Adam joke – Prawn, Cod and Shark Saga

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t
have any worries about being eaten.’

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’, and lo and behold, Justin, turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps the fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.  Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.’ Where’s Christian?’ he asked.’ He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark’, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’ Christian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’

Justin cried back ‘ No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’

Wait for it

Wait for it

Wait for it

‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian’

God Phones Noah to Order a New Ark

Expecting bad weather? OK, same specs as last time? says Noah. Nope, this time I want 20 decks.

20! That’s huge. OK, kitted out for the animals as usual? No, this time it’s for fish.

FISH! OK, you’re the boss. I’ll get the whole selection, cod, haddock, skate. No, just carp.

Just the one type? Carp Yep, that’s right carp.

OK, says Noah, but can I just ask why?

I just fancied a multi-story carp ark!

Funny Bible Jokes

‘Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.’ HL Mencken

Answers Given in a Bible Knowledge Test

  1. The first book of the Bible is Guinness’s.  In the book of Guinness Adam and Eve were created from an apple (Hmm could they mean Genesis?)
  2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of the Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
  3. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the 10 Commandments.
  4. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  5. The seventh commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.
  6. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
  7. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
  8. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he actually obeyed him.
  9. Unleavened bread is bread made with no ingredients.
  10. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
  11. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
  12. Solomon had 100 wives and 700 porcupines.
  13. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  14. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  15. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus sacked in the manager.
  16. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  17. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Lot’s Wife is Turned into a Pillar of Salt

Five-year-old Millie was listening to her father reading a Bible story.

He quoted from Genesis 19:26, ‘The angel told Lot to take his wife and flee out of the city.  But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.’

Now, very concerned, Millie asked, ‘But Daddy, what happened to the flea?’

Do You Know The Bible?

Our Vicar, the Reverend Thomas Lewis, told our congregation, ‘Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark, chapter 17.’

The following Sunday, as Thomas prepared to deliver his sermon; he asked for a show of hands, he wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Almost every hand went up.

Thomas smiled and said, ‘Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.’

Noahs ark

Ten Funny Things To Learn from the Story Of Noah’s Ark

Funny things that can be learned from the bible and applied to life.

  1. Don’t miss the boat.
  2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
  3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
  4. Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
  5. Build your future on high ground.
  6. For safety’s sake, always travel in pairs.
  7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
  8. When you’re stressed, float a while.
  9. Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
  10. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

More Funny Bible Jokes

Bible Study

Richard, my friend’s little grandson came home from Sunday School and I asked him what they had studied. His reply was, ‘Nothing.’

So I asked him, ‘Didn’t you study Jesus?’

Richard’s reply was, ‘No, he wasn’t even there.’

The Good Samaritan

Phyllis Small, a Sunday school teacher, was telling her class the story of the “Good Samaritan,” from the Bible, in which a man was beaten, robbed, and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’

Zeidy, a thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I’d be sick.’

Johovah’s Witness

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were just Hovis Witnesses.

Amusing, Funny, and Interesting Quotes from The Bible

  • Genesis 25:30 [Holman Christian Standard Bible] He said to Jacob, ‘Let me eat some of that red stuff because I’m exhausted.’
  • Proverbs 21:19 [New Living Translation] It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife.
  • Proverbs 27:15-16 [New Living Translation] A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.  Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.

Family Bibles

In some families “Family” Bibles were handed down from generation to generation, and it was, and still is, traditional to keep a record of the family tree in its fly-leaf, to be updated by each new generation. These bibles can therefore be invaluable sources of information if you want to learn more about your family history.

It was the custom, particularly in Victorian times, [1837-1901] to record births, marriages, and deaths in a “Family” Bible,
sometimes photographs were also pasted in as well as newspaper cuttings. These Bibles were often quite massive affairs, with thick embossed leather covers, metal clasps, and sumptuous illustrations.

Psalm 118 Provides Us with a Certain Symmetry and a Few Smiles:

  1. Psalm 118 is the middle chapter of the entire Bible.
  2. Psalm 117, before Psalm 118 is the shortest chapter in the Bible.
  3. Psalm 119, after Psalm 118 is the longest chapter in the Bible.
  4. The Bible has 594 chapters before Psalm 118 and 594 chapters after Psalm 118.
  5. If you add up all the chapters except Psalm 118, you get a total of 1188 chapters.
  6. 1188 or Psalm 118 verse 8 is the middle verse of the entire Bible.
  7. And what is the message found in verse 118? ‘It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.’ – Psalm 118:8

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; His love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say: “His love endures forever.”

3 Let the house of Aaron say: “His love endures forever.”

29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

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