Here are ideas from which you can flesh out to create a wonderful farewell oration for a colleague.
- A Confession - Funny Retirement Speech
- Priceless Antique?
- Three Old Retired Men
- Retirement Syndrome
- Funny Retirement Speech Stories
- Leaving Speech Advice
Top Ten Quotes Suitable For A Retirement SpeechWill and Guy offer these quotations as being suitable for inclusion in a retirement speech.
- When some people retire, it's going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference. - Virginia Graham
- The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. - George Foreman
- The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. - Milton Berle
- The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. - Abe Lemons
- Before deciding to take early retirement from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television. - Author Unknown
- There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. - Robert Half
- The down side about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.- Author Unknown
- When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. - R.C. Sherriff
- Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. - Gene Perret
- It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. - Scott Elledge.
Will and Guy's Ten Clean and Short Retirement Speech FunniesYou Are Probably Retired If....
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
- Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
Round-off Your Leaving Speech With a PoemRetirement Time Retirement is a time For feeling glad to be alive, A time when friendships blossom And enthusiasms thrive. A chance to do the special things You always wished you could. Retirement is a special time For knowing...life is good. Congratulations on your Retirement.
Classic ProposalCharlie, aged 86, was very contented living in the Clarendon Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Maisie, 77, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only last week Charlie plucked up the courage, got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. Maisie smiled and replied, 'Alright.' Charlie asked softly, 'Will you marry me?' Delighted, Maisie answered him, 'Yes.' She then asked Charlie what his second question was. He replied, 'Maisie, will you help me get up, please?'
Ideal Poem For a Retirement SpeechYou wake up in the morning With nothing to do How you're going to fill your day You haven't a clue By the time you've had a leisurely breakfast Your energy starts to sap Before lunch the chances are You'll find the time to fit in a nap At lunch, avoid drinking coffee That's far too soon You don't want it keeping you awake All the afternoon Get some fresh air Go into the garden for a bit Busy yourself Having a nice long sit When you're thoroughly worn out With all that fresh air Take yourself back indoors To your favourite armchair Where you can have a good contemplate About ways to get thinner But try to fit in 40 winks Just ahead of dinner Then relax in the evening Trying to understand How you only managed to get done Half the things you'd planned Never mind, don't bother yourself With any regret or sorrow You've got plenty of time to fail To do it all again tomorrow Jon Bratton 2009
Retirement Speech Check List
- Make sure your speech will appeal to a wide range of staff, and doesn't offend any guests.
- Does your speech include a few jokes yet remaining charming?
- Have you included thanks to everyone involved?
- Consider writing down key points on cards. Even if you never use them they will give you confidence that you won't dry up.
- Remember to finish your oration by toasting the retiree.
Two More Poems To End Your Retirement Speech
Dust If You MustDust if you must, but wouldn't it be better To paint a picture, or write a letter, Bake a cake, or plant a seed; Ponder the difference between want and need? Dust if you must, but there's not much time, With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb; Music to hear, and books to read; Friends to cherish, and life to lead. Dust if you must, but the world's out there With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair; A flutter of snow, a shower of rain, This day will not come around again. Dust if you must, but bear in mind, Old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go (and go you must) You, yourself, will make more dust.
And So Finally FarewellIrish Blessings A sunbeam to warm you, A moonbeam to charm you, A sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you. May you always have work for your hands to do. May your pockets hold always a coin or two. May the sun shine bright on your windowpane. May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you. And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. Footnote: Please send us your funny retirement speech.
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