- Wedding One-liners by the Famous
- Clean Short Stories for Wedding Day Speech
- Wedding Toasts
- Wedding Speech Joke for the MC
- Mother-in-Law Joke
- Funny Wedding Pictures
Wedding Jokes - Tasters
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery? Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
- Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
- Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
The Irish Wedding At the wedding reception, the photographer yelled, 'Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.' The bartender was almost crushed to death.The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner) Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin) By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates) A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar) My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns) I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman) I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner) Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller) All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein) There's only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
More Clean One-liners for Your MC Wedding Speech
- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
- A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
- A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- More Funny Wedding Speech Jokes »
Those Wanting to Be MarriedFather Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. 'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested. Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
Best ManA groom chose his pet dog as the best man for his wedding, reports the Metro. Paul Nock told his new wife Kelly years ago that he wanted Scooby by his side on their big day. The health and safety training organiser, from Hull, said, 'I was away working in Dubai when the wedding arrangements were made and didn't think she would let it happen. But when we got into the register office I turned round and there he was walking up the aisle, with the rings tied around his neck.' The 27-year-old bride added: 'It was a wonderful surprise.'
The Wedding PresentI would like to thank you all for coming here today to celebrate my daughter's marriage. Just for your information the seating arrangement has been specially organised with all of the people that bought large presents being placed towards the front and those that bought cheaper smaller presents at the back. (Pause) There is a special thanks for uncle Fred who is at the back for the oven glove. (Pause) The bride would like to ask uncle Fred if she could have the other glove for their Silver Wedding Anniversary. [Wedding joke kindly sent in by JC] An awesome pearl wedding dress is an excellent choice to compliment your precious diamond engagement ring.
See more wedding mc jokes here »
What Kind of Wedding Do You Want, My love?'I dreamed of a wedding of elaborate elegance, A church filled with family and friends. I asked him what kind of a wedding he wished for, He said one that would make me his wife.' Anonymous
- To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage - Lao Tzu
- Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
- Love is friendship set to music - Anonymous
- They do not love that do not show their love - William Shakespeare
- Love is life - Leo Tolstoy
- Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination - Voltaire
- May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river - Traditional African proverb
- Insomuch as love grows in you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul - St. Augustine
- Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is eternity - Kahlil Gibran
- We never live so intensely as when we love strongly. We never realize ourselves so vividly as when we are in full glow of love for others - Walter Rauschenbusch
- Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same - Emily Bronte
- There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved - Georges Sand
- Without love, the world itself would not survive - Lope de Vega
- When love reigns, the impossible may be attained - Indian proverb
Slow Learner? After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him: 'You'd better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.' The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.
6 Million Dollar QuestionMarried for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem. 'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted, 'You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?' 'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less who left it to you.'
How Well Do You Know Your Partner?Relationships can be very puzzling as we all know. Take celibacy, for example; this can be a choice, or a condition imposed by environmental factors. While attending a special Marriage Awareness Weekend in Doncaster, Yorkshire, England, Nicky and Victoria listened to the facilitator intone, 'It is so very important that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He turned to the men and asked, 'Can you each name your wife's favourite flower?' Nicky leaned over, touched Victoria's arm gently and whispered, 'Self raising, isn't it?' Thus began Nicky's life of celibacy.
Bad Hair DayOn the day of the nuptuals, everything went well. Nevertheless, Luke thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, 'What's the matter, daddy? Why are you looking so down in the mouth so?' 'I'm not really sad, darling,' Luke replies, 'it's just that I'm sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig.' 'No they didn't, daddy,' she answers, 'No one I told knew.'
A Sad Wedding Nellie Morgan and John Rees were married on February 2nd in Newtown's Baptist church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Another Mother-in-Law TaleIn the morning the day after my nuptials, the phone rang. 'Reverse charges call from Jackie', said the operator'. 'Will you accept the charges?' I couldn't think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the phone. A moment later, the phone rang again. 'Hi, Margaret, it's Jackie', said a familiar voice, 'your mother-in-law.' See more Mother-in-Law jokes »
Wedding Anniversary StoryJohn wants to get his beautiful wife, Emma, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a mobile telephone. Emma is excited, she loves her phone. John shows her and explains to her all the different and varied features on the phone. On Monday Emma goes shopping in the local supermarket. Her phone rings and it's her husband, 'Hi ya, Emma, 'he says, 'how do you like your new phone?' Emma replies, 'I just love it, it's so small and light and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one feature that I really don't understand though.' 'What's that, Emma?' asks the husband. 'How did you know that I was at Wal-Mart?'
- 'Hello, Bill,' exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time in a while. 'Did you marry that girl you used to go with or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?''Yes,' replied Bill.
- 'Congratulations my boy!' said the groom's uncle. 'I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.''But I'm not getting married until tomorrow.' Protested his nephew.''I know,' replied the uncle, 'that's exactly what I mean.
- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot, and not try to understand her at all.