Clean Christmas Funnies and one-liners | Funny Pictures and Xmas Stories

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Clean Christmas funnies



7 Christmas One Liners for Starters

Santa Claws - Father Christmas with kitten

Q1: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
Ans: No.  You'll have turkey the same us the rest of us.

Q2: What's the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Q3: How do chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Ans: Chick to chick!

Q4: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He's a fun guy to be with.

Q5: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Ans: Hose A, and Hose B.

Q6: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
Ans: At the baa baa shop.

Q7: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman?
Ans: She gave him the cold shoulder.

Christmas snowman at sunset

12 More Clean Christmas Funnies

Funny Christmas Cartoons

  • Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
    You can see right through them.
  • What kind of tree do fingers grow on?
    A palm tree.
  • What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?  Lost.
  • What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
  • On which side do chickens have most feathers?
    On the outside.
  • What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
    A chew chew train.
  • What's furry and minty?
    A polo bear.
  • What's big, grey and wear glass slippers?
  • How do snails keep their shells shiny?
    They use snail varnish.
  • What must you know to be an auctioneer?  Lots.
  • Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop?
    It blew away.
  • What is the vampire's favourite song?
    Fangs for the memory.
  • What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire
    is ablaze?
    Crisp Kringle.

Footnote: Please send us your clean Christmas one liners.

Christmas Wisecrack

Picture this, it was just before Christmas, and the magistrate was in a happy mood.  He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

Clean Christmas one liner

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

Crafty Cockney - Christmas Caper

Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's
strange.  When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it.  Now there are four £5 notes.'

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, 'That's right, madam. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'
See more Christmas jokes for grown-ups.

Christmas Store Problem

Last Thursday morning 50 customers waited outside the Wal-Mart supermarket in West-Bend, Wisconsin, USA. They wanted to be the first to buy Sony PlayStation 3 game consoles as Christmas presents.
Unfortunately, the shop only had 10 consoles for sale. Simple maths suggests that 50 does not go into 10.

The assistant manager had a brain wave, a cunning plan, no less. He would organise a sort of musical chairs without the music. That is: he decided to put the 50 people in the shop car park; he then place 10 chairs just outside Wal-Mart's entrance, on a shout of 'go' the first ten to sit down would get the consoles on the Friday.

50 people stampeded towards the chairs, no hold barred. One man struck his head on a lamp post and had to go to
hospital, another bruised his head and knee badly.

However, the first 10 on the chairs got their PlayStation 3s.

Christmas One-liner!

Three More Christmas One-liners

  1. Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?
    You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
  2. Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
  3. Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and
    snacks out of your socks?

Scrooge's Christmas Tree

Christmas one-liners

Scrooge Christmas Tree

What Scrooge would buy is a Christmas tree like the above.

Please Don't Show This Picture of Santa to the Kids

Funny picture of Santa plane

Santa's Outfit

How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman would wear the same outfit year after year.

More Christmas Funnies

Santa on his biking

  • How does Jack Frost get to work?  By icicle!
  • If you want to hear "Merry Christmas," why not visit a church instead of a shop?
  • Teacher: Where are the Andes?
    Pupil: At the end of my armies.
  • Bernard Manning said that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are:
    Peace on Earth. Goodwill to Men. And Batteries not included.
  • Peter aged 7.  'Angels don't eat much, but they drink a lot of milk from Holy Cows.'

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

Funny Christmas Warnings

Saying a Prayer for His Christmas Meal

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation.  Lee
began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Santa Claus?

Santa Claus - Uncle Bob

Footnote: We are always keen to publish more Christmas funnies, so do email them to us.