Funny Best Man Speeches – Wedding Jokes

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is
still continues ...

Ten Clean, Funny Best Man Jokes

1. Devil or Angel?
2. Learn to Read the Signs
3. More Best Man Speech Jokes
4. Is Romance Dead?
5. How To Celebrate Marriage
6. How To Make A Marriage Successful
7. A Question Of Marriage Guidance
8. The Kroonstad Diamond
9. Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story
10. The Seven Ages of the Married Cold

Clean Jokes to Work Into
a Funny Best Man Speech

You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding
speeches and then modify one.  If you are going to make a best man's
speech, then it must come from the heart.

1. Devil or Angel?

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head
and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once
again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a
car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely
missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got
married?"

2. Learn to Read the
Signs

Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so
proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six,"
in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late
and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to
leave as well.

Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'

Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff's lack of discretion over so many
years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'

More Clean Groom Jokes for Your Wedding Speech

3. More Best Man Speech Jokes

I was at a wedding with a priest and a minister.

When the waiter brought the drinks for the toast, the minister said,
'I'll have a large whisky.'

The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet
woman.'
So the minister put his drink back and murmured, 'Sorry I
didn't know there was a choice.'

Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a
priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet
woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!

4. How To Celebrate Marriage

While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road,
four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy,
to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned
to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass
celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?'

'Sure, man, we are,' Alan
replied.

'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?'
another bloke asked.

Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth
anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go
down there and get her back.'

*Geordie - is a regional
nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name
of the dialect of English spoken by these people.

5. Is Romance Dead?

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden
hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got
to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug
and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent
cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised
that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this
about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be
better.  Dave thought he'd give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her
that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked
why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First,
little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing
machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'

6.
How To Make A Marriage
Successful

'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George
complains to his mate, Tony.

'Why not add some intrigue to your life and
have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.

'But what if my wife finds
out?' frowns George.

'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live
in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'

So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will
bring us closer together.'

'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'

7. A Question Of
Marriage Guidance

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains,
'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable
one?'

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, '
What are your requirements, please?'

'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite,
humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing
accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go
out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation
and be silent when I want to rest.'

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I
understand. You need a television.'
See British Royal
Wedding jokes.

8.
The Kroonstad Diamond

Robert, a businessman, boarded a plane to find sitting next to
him, Irene, an elegant woman, wearing the largest most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

'This is the Kroonstad diamond,' she said. 'It is beautiful, but there is
a terrible curse that goes with it.'

'What's the curse?' enquired Robert.
'Mr. Kroonstad, 'replied Irene.

9. Rehearse The Church
Service: A True Story

At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian
Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the
final blessing at the end of the service.

Louise, the bride, totally
misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five.

Not
wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a
high-five.

Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this
time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears.

10. The Seven Ages of the
Married Cold

1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really
worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that
could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to
take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a
couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken
to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.

2nd year -
'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the
doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you
just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat
when you're hungry.'

3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling.
When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have
any canned soup around here anywhere?'

4th year - 'No sense wearing
yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and
the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed
yourself.'

5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'

6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting
around barking like a dog.'

7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying
to give me pneumonia?  You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the
supermarket.'

Footnote:
The above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our
Joke of the Day.

Please send us your funny groom wedding speech jokes.

More Clean Jokes For a Best Mans Wedding Speech

Funny Newspaper Wedding Snippets

Printed in a newspaper - Rex and Pauline went to grammar school together
and their marriage will stop a romance begun between them there.

Printed in a newspaper - The marriage of Miss Hortensia Engels and Mr
William Parkes, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a
mistake and we wish to correct it.

Wedding Hymn Sheet

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was
wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not
remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to
remember 3 things.

• First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be
  walking down.
• Secondly, the alter because that is where you will
  arrive.
• Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we
  will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking in step
with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified
to hear her repeating these 3 words...

... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter
him)

Five Funny Best Man Wedding Speech Shorts

1. Nicky: I'm a man of few words.
   Mike: I'm married, too.
2. The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize'
   and 'You are right.'
3. A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it
   does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
4. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her
   way.
5. 'Congratulations my boy!' said the groom's uncle. 'I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of
   your life.''But I'm not getting married until tomorrow.' Protested his nephew.'I know,' replied the uncle, 'that's exactly what I mean'.

See more Rhyming
Speeches

A Brief Guide to the Etiquette and Tradition of Wedding Day Speeches

This explains the traditional order of the best man's speech in the wedding
reception:

The father of the bride.
A good way to start is to welcome all the guests.  He then
usually talks fondly about his daughter.  As with most speeches, it is
accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works
well.  He then toasts the bride and groom.

The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself
and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and
more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people
involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes
gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom
then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids

*If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the
groom's. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well
beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing.

The best man's speech now follows.  He thanks the bride
and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to
be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then
he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and
relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about
the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the
wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound.  Finally the best man
should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.

Best Man Wedding Speech Check List

• Make sure your speech will appeal to a wide range of people, and do
  not offend any guests.
• Does your speech include a few jokes while remaining charming?
• Have you included thanks to everyone involved?
• Consider writing down key points on cards.  Even if you never
  use them they will give you confidence that you won't dry up.
• Remember to finish your speech by toasting the bride and groom.

See more of our funny
wedding speech jokes »

Footnotes:
If you have any good best man wedding speech jokes, then please send them to
us.

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only $19.99

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