Funny Best Man Speeches – Wedding Jokes

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still continues ...

Ten Clean, Funny Best Man JokesBest Man Wedding Speech Jokes

  1. Devil or Angel?
  2. Learn to Read the Signs
  3. More Best Man Speech Jokes
  4. Is Romance Dead?
  5. How To Celebrate Marriage
  6. How To Make A Marriage Successful
  7. A Question Of Marriage Guidance
  8. The Kroonstad Diamond
  9. Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story
  10. The Seven Ages of the Married Cold

Clean Jokes to Work Into a Funny Best Man Speech

You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding speeches and then modify one.  If you are going to make a best man's speech, then it must come from the heart.

1. Devil or Angel?Better or worse

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"Groomsmen Ring
Marriage - A Three Ring Circus When contemplating marriage, a man should always remember that there are three rings involved.
  1. The engagement ring.
  2. The wedding ring.
  3. Suffering.

2. Learn to Read the Signs

Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections. One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well. Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?' Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'

More Clean Groom Jokes for Your Wedding Speech

3. More Best Man Speech Jokes

I was at a wedding with a priest and a minister. When the waiter brought the drinks for the toast, the minister said, 'I'll have a large whisky.' The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet woman.' So the minister put his drink back and murmured, 'Sorry I didn't know there was a choice.' Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!

4. How To Celebrate Marriage

While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road, four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy, to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?' 'Sure, man, we are,' Alan replied. 'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?' another bloke asked. Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her back.'Funny Best Man Wedding Speeches *Geordie - is a regional nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name of the dialect of English spoken by these people.

5. Is Romance Dead?

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he' d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.  Dave thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'
Do practice your best man's speech until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation.  To gain extra confidence find out precisely at what point during the reception you should give the speech.  Usually, it's after the bride groom's speech.

6. How To Make A Marriage Successful

'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony. 'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily. 'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George. 'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.' So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.' 'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'

7. A Question Of Marriage Guidance

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?' The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ' What are your requirements, please?' 'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.' The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.' See British Royal Wedding jokes.

8. The Kroonstad Diamond Honeymoon

Robert, a businessman, boarded a plane to find sitting next to him, Irene, an elegant woman, wearing the largest most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. 'This is the Kroonstad diamond,' she said. 'It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.' 'What's the curse?' enquired Robert. 'Mr. Kroonstad, 'replied Irene.

9. Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story

At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the final blessing at the end of the service. Louise, the bride, totally misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five. Not wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a high-five. Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears. Sponsored Wedding Tie

The Most Popular Names for a Bridegroom:

  1. David
  2. James
  3. Andrew
  4. Richard
  5. Mark
  6. Paul
  7. Matthew
  8. Simon
  9. Michael
  10. Daniel
The list was compiled by John Lewis in England October 2010.
How To Be a Fun Wedding MC

10. The Seven Ages of the Married Cold

International symbol of marriage approved1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill. 2nd year - 'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat when you're hungry.' 3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere?' 4th year - 'No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself.' 5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?' 6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog.' 7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia?  You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the supermarket.' Footnote: The above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our Joke of the Day. Please send us your funny groom wedding speech jokes.

More Clean Jokes For a Best Mans Wedding SpeechWanted good woman - Please send photo of motor

Funny Newspaper Wedding Snippets

Printed in a newspaper - Rex and Pauline went to grammar school together and their marriage will stop a romance begun between them there. Printed in a newspaper - The marriage of Miss Hortensia Engels and Mr William Parkes, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake and we wish to correct it.

Wedding Hymn Sheet

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
  • First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
  • Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
  • Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words... ... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)
A Thought If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?

Five Funny Best Man Wedding Speech ShortsWedding OOps

  1. Nicky: I'm a man of few words. Mike: I'm married, too.
  2. The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'
  3. A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
  4. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
  5. 'Congratulations my boy!' said the groom's uncle. 'I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.''But I'm not getting married until tomorrow.' Protested his nephew.'I know,' replied the uncle, 'that's exactly what I mean'.

Here is a Useful Best Man Rhyming Toast

Reading this speech has put a lump in my throat, It's unlike me, I blame the beers, It's rare that I get emotional, But today even the cake's in tiers. Thank you for making me your best man today, It has truly filled me with pride, Ladies and gents please raise your glasses, To the Groom and beautiful Bride!

See more Rhyming Speeches

A Brief Guide to the Etiquette and Tradition of Wedding Day Speeches

This explains the traditional order of the best man's speech in the wedding reception: The father of the bride. A good way to start is to welcome all the guests.  He then usually talks fondly about his daughter.  As with most speeches, it is accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works well.  He then toasts the bride and groom. The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids *If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the groom's. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing. The best man's speech now follows.  He thanks the bride and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound.  Finally the best man should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom. Best Man Wedding Speech Check List
  • Make sure your speech will appeal to a wide range of people, and do not offend any guests.
  • Does your speech include a few jokes while remaining charming?
  • Have you included thanks to everyone involved?
  • Consider writing down key points on cards.  Even if you never use them they will give you confidence that you won't dry up.
  • Remember to finish your speech by toasting the bride and groom.

See more of our funny wedding speech jokes »

Footnotes: If you have any good best man wedding speech jokes, then please send them to us. Get your MC Wedding Joke book only $19.99
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