Funny Short Stories

Variety truly is the spice of life.  When it comes to a story, we have a tale for each social occasion and every mood.  Many of these funny short stories are true - with embellishments.
Others have only a grain of truth, whilst the remainder are just tall stories.

Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park
bench sobbing his eyes out.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.'

I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite
biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest
of the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'

I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'

He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'

The
Silly, Hilarious and Funny Side of DIY [Do It Yourself]

Rosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local
Homebase store.  Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces
then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is
delighted.

Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the
cupboard collapses.  Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the
instructions and reassembles the cupboard.  Once more, another train passes
and the whole cupboard collapses again.

Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something
"wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard.  Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the
3rd time.

Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer
service department.  She is told that this is quite impossible and that
they'll send along a fitter to take a look.

The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard.  Again, a train passes and
the cupboard collapses.  Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the
fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether
he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.  At this point,
Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a
splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside.

The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's
bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm
standing here waiting for a train.'

An Irishman's Jocular Tale

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all entered a 26 mile long
swimming race.
After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out.

Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out.
After
25 miles the Irish man decides he can't finish the race, so he turns around
and swims back to the start.

Fun At The Movies

Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol
to see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting
together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to
hear the dialogue clearly.

Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage
whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.'
'I should hope not,'
stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.'

Amusing Married Men Only Story

Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale
from the USA.

Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory
that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy,
a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the
manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married
men?  Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'

'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around,
know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'

Short Stories

If you don't see the topic that you are interested in try our 'Search'
box because we have a large selection of amusing yarns, tall tales and
strange but true stories.

A Funny True Story

Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit,
so Bryant investigated and found the problem.  10 year old Dennis was
standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said
"Radar Trap Ahead." A little more investigative work led the officer to the
boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a
sign reading "Tips" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

Here are Examples of Our
Really Funny Short Stories

Our
mission is to amuse you with our funny really short stories.  While we aim to surprise,
we never want to offend or shock you.  Please not that the ABOVE links
connect to other pages, while below are samples of our short stories.

Easy to Swallow?

My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room. Rushing in, they
found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris
palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.  Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded
cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

Heard This One Before?

A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, 'It's the most expensive one I've ever had, it cost me USD$3,500.' [£1800]

His friend asks, 'What kind is it?'

The braggart says, 'Half
past four.'

Fake Pigeon Story

Will and Guy bring you the story behind the pigeon story.  Zhang Liang, apologized for his 'bad behavior' when he forged a picture of
pigeons receiving bird flu vaccine shots from medical workers.

Amazingly this picture won first prize in the 2005 China International Press
Photo Contest.  'I would like to apologize to the public,' said Liang, who
was dismissed from Harbin Daily.

He copied the pigeon in the top right corner of his photo and pasted it in
the top left corner.

'I did it to make the photo perfect,' Zhang was quoted as saying. 'It was the
first time for me to perfect pictures with computer technology and I did it only
once.'

Will's Experience at Gatwick

After his return from Rome, Will couldn't
find his luggage in the
London Gatwick airport baggage area.  So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't
shown up on the carousel.  She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals
and he was in good hands.

'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

More Funny Short Stories

Lesson in Employee Relationship

Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career
in catering.  However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.  Every day he was
2, 3, 5 minutes
late.  However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it.  Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.

Fred, I have to tell you, I like
your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.'

'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied
Fred.

'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team
player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'

'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'

Aircrew of the Month

This next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete.  At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a job.  He
landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home.  Pete, got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an
hour later.  When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot.  The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.

From a Stingem employee....'
Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.'
We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight...!'

Then he progressed to the famous '
Fasten Seatbelt Routine'
.  What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised.'

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.

After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants'

His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

Scotsman, Irishman, and Englishman Story

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each
sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each
is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get
through the long, long spell alone.

• The Scotsman asks for a year's supply
  of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away.
• The Irishman asks for
  a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles
  of it.
• The Englishman asks for a year's supply of cigarettes and he's
  given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later,
their doors are all unlocked.

• The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, 'I'm
  free!' and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
• The Irishman is
  dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
• When the door to the Englishman's cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly
  to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself.To their
  surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he
  sees, and asks, 'I say you wouldn't happen to have a match, would you?'

See more Englishman,
Irishman and Scotsman tall stories

Boot on the Wrong Foot

This tale is based on a true story told to Will by a friend [Tessa] who is an nursery schoolteacher in Drayton near Portsmouth; names have been changed to protect the
guilty.

Marlon asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, Tessa finally got them on. 'They're on the wrong way
round, Miss,' mumbled Marlon.

She realises that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she and swaps them over for him.

'They're not my shoes, Miss,' Marlon murmurs again.

Tessa fights
hard to keep her cool and asks Marlon why he hadn't told her before. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.

'These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mum told me not to tell
anyone.'

At this point Tessa can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck.

'Where are your gloves, Marlon?' asks Tessa quietly.

'Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!'

Texas Halloween
Investigation

There was a murder in Texas at Halloween, and the FBI were called in to
investigate. Hitchcock, one of the officers, saw something written in blood
on the wall. It looked like the number '7734', but he was not sure; anyway,
he took lots of pictures.

When Hitchcock got back to the lab he developed the film of the crime
scene, but he still could not make any progress with the number. In the hope
of inspiration, he took the sheaf of photographs home and spread them on the
dining room table. Just at that moment his 7 year old daughter Emma came in
through the patio door opposite, and looked down at the photographs.

'Why have you photographed hell?', she asked, then Hitchcock saw that
when held upside down, 7734 spelt: 'hELL'.  [Kindly corrected by Matt
Seibert.]

Footnote:
Please send us your really funny short
stories.