Clean Funny One-liner Jokes for Stand-up Comedians

Will and Guy have three sections of one-liners suitable for a stand-up comic. We can imagine Tommy Cooper cracking these jokes:



The very best clean one-liners

Clean One-liner jokes

  • I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
  • I went in to a pet shop.  I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
  • I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
  • I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
  • I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
  • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  'Best Before End'
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
  • I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
  • I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
  • I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
  • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.Monkey with banana and tin opener
  • I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
  • I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
  • I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.  She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
  • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

Clean One-liners for Stand-up Comedians

We sorted the jokes into three categories, however, what seems hilarious one day only seems drôle the next - humour is like that.

  • This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.  It was a turtle disaster.
  • I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.  He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
  • I phoned the local builders today, I said to them, 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
  • The recruitment consultant asked me, 'What do you think of voluntary work?' I said, 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
  • This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, 'Audi!'
  • I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herbie.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

O.K. jokes, but you will need to deliver them well to be a good stand-up comedian

  • Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said, 'Don't you mean KAPOW??' He said, 'No, I've got china in my hand.'
  • My mate is in love with two schoolbags.  He's bisatchel.
  • I fancied a game of darts with my mate.  He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went, 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'.  He said, 'You're closest.'

Footnote: Please send us your funny clean one-liner jokes.