What is the Matterhorn? It's a horn you blow when something's the matter.
Contents
Hilarious One-liners
Note: unlike most collections of humour which tend to be samey, Will and Guy have deliberately chosen a wide variety of subject matter and styles, thus we will be amazed if at least one of these comical one-liners does not make you smile.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
- It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic, and 200 million to make a film about it.
- Funny names for children: Hazel Nutt, Phil Hole, Anna Sasin and Doug Graves.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Unusual Text Message
Had a text from my mate the other day:
'I've just been arrested and charged with being the ugliest man in Britain please come down to the police station and prove them wrong.'
Hilarious Animal One-liners
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
- Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks! Toshihiro Kawabata
- The second mouse gets the cheese.
- Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
- Nothing succeeds like a parrot with no teeth.
- Oxymoron: Look at that giant midget settle on the jumbo shrimp.
- Customer: 'Do you serve lobsters?'
Waiter: 'We serve anybody, sir.'
Clean Hilarious One-liner Put-downs
- I liked your opera. Perhaps I will set it to music. Mozart
- I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
- A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
- Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde
- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. Ambrose Bierce
Quiz Show Funnies
Anne Robinson: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with 'G' took the title Mahatma?
Contestant: Geronimo (Correct Answer)
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Les Dennis: What is Hitler's first name?
Contestant: Heil
Courtroom Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the car crash?
Defendant: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
More Hilarious One-Liner Jokes
Here is another tranche of one-liners. Once again the only theme is variety. We hope that you will enjoy reading these uproarious
one-liners as much as we did in selecting them.
- A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
Tommy Cooper - I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much. Victor Borge
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Steve Wright
- Rufus always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
Footnote: Please send us your clean hilarious one-liners and uproarious yarns.