Note: unlike most collections of humour which tend to be samey, Will and Guy have deliberately chosen a wide variety of subject matter and styles, thus we will be amazed if at least one of these comical one-liners does not make you smile.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic, and 200 million to make a film about it.
Funny names for children: Hazel Nutt, Phil Hole, Anna Sasin and Doug Graves.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Unusual Text Message
Had a text from my mate the other day: 'I've just been arrested and charged with being the ugliest man in Britain please come down to the police station and prove them wrong.'
Hilarious Animal One-liners
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks! Toshihiro Kawabata
The second mouse gets the cheese.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Nothing succeeds like a parrot with no teeth.
Oxymoron: Look at that giant midget settle on the jumbo shrimp.
Customer: 'Do you serve lobsters?'
Waiter: 'We serve anybody, sir.'
Clean Hilarious One-liner Put-downs
I liked your opera. Perhaps I will set it to music. Mozart
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. Ambrose Bierce
Quiz Show Funnies
Anne Robinson: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with 'G' took the title Mahatma? Contestant: Geronimo (Correct Answer)Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. Les Dennis: What is Hitler's first name? Contestant: Heil Courtroom Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the car crash? Defendant: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
More Hilarious One-Liner Jokes
Here is another tranche of one-liners. Once again the only theme is variety. We hope that you will enjoy reading these uproarious
one-liners as much as we did in selecting them.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road. Tommy Cooper
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much. Victor Borge
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Steve Wright
Rufus always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
Footnote: Please send us your clean hilarious one-liners and uproarious yarns.