Clean Hilarious One-liners, Jokes and Uproarious Yarns


Clean Hilarious One-liners

What is the Matterhorn? It's a horn you blow when something's the matter.

Hilarious One-liners

Note: unlike most collections of humour which tend to be samey, Will and Guy have deliberately chosen a wide variety of subject matter and styles, thus we will be amazed if at least one of these comical one-liners does not make you smile.Clean Hilarious One-liners

  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
  • It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  • Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.
  • It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic, and 200 million to make a film about it.
  • Funny names for children: Hazel Nutt, Phil Hole, Anna Sasin and Doug Graves.
  • Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

Unusual Text Message

Had a text from my mate the other day:

'I've just been arrested and charged with being the ugliest man in Britain  please come down to the police station and prove them wrong.'

Hilarious Animal One-linersHilarious One-liners

  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
  • Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!  Toshihiro Kawabata
  • The second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
  • Nothing succeeds like a parrot with no teeth.  'Do you serve lobsters?'
  • Oxymoron: Look at that giant midget settle on the jumbo shrimp.
  • Customer: 'Do you serve lobsters?'
    Waiter: 'We serve anybody, sir.'

 Clean Hilarious One-liner Put-downsHilarious One liners

  • I liked your opera.  Perhaps I will set it to music. Mozart
  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.  Groucho Marx
  • A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde
  • Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
  • Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
  • Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.  Ambrose Bierce

Quiz Show Funnies

Anne Robinson: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with 'G' took the title Mahatma?
Contestant: Geronimo  (Correct Answer)

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

Contestant: Crocodiles.

Les Dennis: What is Hitler's first name?


Courtroom Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the car crash?
Defendant: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

More Hilarious One-Liner Jokes

Here is another tranche of one-liners.  Once again the only theme is variety.  We hope that you will enjoy reading these uproarious
one-liners as much as we did in selecting them.

  • A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road. 
    Tommy Cooper
  • I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.Hilarious One liners
  • I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.  Victor Borge
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?  Steve Wright
  • Rufus always slept with his gun under his pillow.  Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

Footnote: Please send us your clean hilarious one-liners and uproarious yarns.