Valentine's Day Jokes

Valentine Love Quotes

Funny Valentine Quotes

  • ‘I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.’ Dorothy Parker
  • Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.  John Wilmot
  • ‘Women are cursed, and men are the proof.’ Rosanne Barr
  • ‘Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.’ Mae West
  • ‘Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day. Mickey Rooney
  • ‘My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.’ Rita Rudner
  • ‘The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. Ann Landers
  • ‘I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up. Barbara Bush
  • ‘Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Groucho Marx
  • Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.Thomas Szasz

Romantic One-liners For Valentine’s Day

If you are in love and wish to send your own Valentine’s Day quotes, either use these or else modify them for your own true love.

  • The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed, J. Krishnamurti
  • All you need is love. John Lennon
  • Love sought is good, but giv’n unsought is better. William Shakespeare in Twelfth Night (Act III, Scene I)
  • One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved. Romain Rolland
  • Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. Lynda Barry
  • Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Thomas Robert Dewar
  • A heart that loves is always young. Greek Proverb
  • But I have seen thee And thou art enough G. Moore
  • Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. Sarah Bernhardt 
  • Friendship is one mind in two bodies. Mencius
  • If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. Winnie the Pooh

Ten Valentine Quotes

  1. There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. George Sand
  2. Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, and falling in love with you was beyond my control.
  3. Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle
  4. The heart has its reasons that reason does not know. Pascal
  5. The risk it takes to remain tight inside the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom. Anais Nin
  6. You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. Barbara DeAngelis
  7. Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. Crystal Middlemas
  8. Greater Love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends. Jesus
  9. The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Eden Ahbez
  10. It’s not that I can’t live without you…it’s just that I don’t even want to try.

Extra Valentine Quotes and Romantic One-liners

  • It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Alfred, Lord Tennyson
  • True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. Antoine De Saint-Exupery
  • Love, you know, seeks to make happy rather than to be happy Ralph Connor
  • True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost. Charles Caleb Colton
  • We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. Tim McGraw
  • Hold a true friend with both your hands Nigerian Proverb
  • My father always used to say that when you die, if you’ve got five real friends, then you’ve had a great life. Lee Iacocca
  • A real friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Anon
  • Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say. Anon
  • If you walk in front of me, I may not follow. If you walk behind me, I may not lead. If you walk beside me, I will be your friend. Albert Camus

More Good Advice – Valentine Quotations

  • When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. Mark Twain
  • Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are. Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist
  • A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; A woman loses hers after four kisses. H.L. Mencken
  • A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point.  That’s the basic spelling that every woman ought to know. Mistinguette
  • Don’t wait for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can’t live without.
  • Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road. Kelly Elaine
  • One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. Sophocles

Another Tranche of Lovely Valentine’s Day Quotes

  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonnette
  • I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.  If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.  Henny Youngman
  • It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.  Laurence J. Peter
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?  Anonymous
  • If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?  Lily Tomlin
  • Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. John Barrymore
  • Absence: that common cure of love. Miguel De Cervantes

Valentine Love Stories

Will and Guy’s collection of romantic tales for February 14th. “Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness”. C.S. Lewis

Valentine Love Failure – Passion Extinguished

An Austrian ‘Romeo’ burnt the house down after making a giant heart out of blazing candles.

Hannes Pisek, 20, from Hoenigsberg in the province of Styria, used 220 candles to make a huge heart on the floor of his flat.  He then lit them and went to pick up his girlfriend from work – but the plan backfired when the flat caught fire.

Pisek was left out in the cold as firemen battled to bring the blaze under control. He has now lost his home and his girlfriend – she left him afterward and has moved back with her parents.

Valentine Love Story – Michael Young

A man who fell in love with a fellow passenger onboard a flight got the airline to help him track her down. Michael Young fell for Juliet Lever on a Flybe flight from Belfast to Newcastle. Juliet, who was in seat 2B, and Michael, who was in 2C, hit it off instantly. Sadly, Michael was too shy to ask Juliet for her number. He confirmed this on the Victoria Derbyshire show on BBC Radio 5 Live today. [October 2006]

He pined for her so much after they parted that he contacted the airline and begged bosses to ask her to get in touch. They obliged and Juliet, 29, phoned him and they agreed to go out to dinner. A whirlwind romance followed and they are to get married next month.

Juliet, who now lives with Michael in Manchester, said, ‘Every girl dreams of a fairytale romance and you couldn’t get better than this.’

Flybe’s Head of Customer Relations, Ella Jones commented, ‘Michael’s tale pulled heart strings so we played cupid.’

Lovely Valentine’s True Story

Doting Couple Has Used the Same Valentine’s Day Card for 70 Years

There’s no danger of 88-year-old Harry Ward forgetting his wife Doris’s Valentine’s Day card – the couple still use the same one he bought her 70 years ago.

When 17-year-old Harry Ward presented his sweetheart Doris with a Valentine’s Day card as he boarded a train to join the wartime effort on 14th February 1941, he must have been fairly confident his affections would be required. After all the couple had been dating since they met in a Bristol café three months earlier. Little can he have imagined that 70 years on, not only would he still be happily married to Doris, but that every year she would present him with the very same card he gave her at the railway station that Valentine’s day.

Now the card is set to make another appearance on the couple’s mantelpiece as Mrs Ward, 87, dusts it off in time for the celebrations.

‘I bring it out of the cupboard and put it on our mantelpiece every Valentine’s Day,’ she said. ‘It’s as special to me now as it was 70-years-ago. Harry has never bought me one since, because I have this one every year.’

The couple married in 1942 so Will and Guy discovered; and they went on to have two daughters, two granddaughters, and four great-grandchildren. They had met in a café in November 1940 after Mrs Ward, who was in domestic service, had missed her bus home.

Mr Ward, now 88, told us, ‘I knew Doris was the one for me the moment I met her. It was a heck of a night during the Blitz, but at least it meant we met each other. I gave her the Valentine’s card then and she is still my Valentine now.’

Mrs Ward’s card which reads, “Two hearts entwine this Valentine. True love makes it sincere”

In addition, we were told, ‘The secret to our happy marriage is that we never go to bed without a kiss goodnight. We are as still in love as the day he first gave me this card.’

First Valentine’s Love Story Ever

A Lasting Legacy of 500-year-old Love

Love it or hate it, even the most hardened anti-Romeo will be hard-pressed to avoid Valentine’s Day this year.

Here is a letter which is on show at the British Library. It is a letter, written from a young woman to her love, and is the first mention of the word Valentine in the English language.

The letter shows they were no different to us. They had the same loves, desires, and financial problems.

In 1477 Margery wrote a letter to John pleading with him not to give her up, despite her parents’ refusal to increase her dowry.

Valentine letter

Addressing her ‘ryght welebeloued Voluntyne’ (right well-beloved Valentine), she promised to be a good wife, adding, ‘Yf that ye loffe me as Itryste verely that ye do ye will not leffe me” ‘ (If you love me, I
trust.. you will not leave me).

While romantics 534 years later might celebrate Valentine’s Day with fine dining, chocolates, and FTD Valentine’s Day flowers, Margery is left pleading with her love not to leave her while pledging her heart overall ‘earthly things’.

She promises her undying love, ‘Myne herte me bydds ever more to love yowe truly’ (My heart me bids ever more to love you truly), and speaks of her ailing body and heart over her fiance’s continuing silence.

However, modern-day lovers be reassured, like any self-respecting fairytale romance the heart did rule the head and, despite her father’s stubbornness over her dowry, Margery did marry her knight and the couple had a son, William, in 1479. Margery died in 1495, and John in 1503.

While her letter is also written on paper, there is one key difference. She didn’t write it herself we have learned. It would have been dictated to a man who would have written it for her. However, says Julian Harrison, curator, ‘The fact that she isn’t writing the letter doesn’t mean she can’t write, it means she can afford someone to write for her. People have assumed that people in the past were illiterate, but actually, levels of literacy may have been higher than we think.’

A marvelous tale with which to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Say I Love You – With Post-it Notes

Claire Northcott decided to declare her love for her boyfriend Gordon Husband by writing it on 500 Post-it notes. She then stuck them all over his pick-up truck. Ms Northcott, 33, said, ‘I spent over an hour-and-a-half writing the notes with felt-tip.’

Mr. Husband was understandably surprised when he spotted his vehicle outside the flat the couple share in Paignton, Devon, UK. ‘He said it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for him,’ observed Claire.

A Funny Valentine’s Love Story

He loved her so very much. He wanted this Valentine’s Day to be special.  So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite drink, imported from France, and it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flowers, white anemones. To his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations.

He added a card and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”

Author unknown

Some Thoughts on Valentine’s Day Love

  • I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
  • No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.
  • Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
  • A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
  • The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
  • Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
  • To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
  • Don’t waste your time on someone, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.
  • Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
  • Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
  • There are always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
  • Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
  • Don’t try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
  • Love at First Sight + Plus …. Love is in the eye of the beholder

A Prayer……..for Women………………………..

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.

Valentine’s Day Love Story – Swans

Swan and pedal boat

The swan that fell in love with a pedal boat is backcourting its plastic lover after spending the winter in a local zoo

Swans choose a partner for life but the rare Black Australian swan nicknamed Petra made the mistake of falling for a pedal boat designed to look like a swan; and when Petra’s pedal boat lover refused to fly south for the winter Petra also remained, a move that could have killed her as the cold weather arrived.

In the end, though local zoo chiefs took pity on the swan and gave her and her boat boyfriend a place to spend the winter, and this week the pair were once again on the lake together. According to biologists in Muenster, north-western Germany, Petra has been circling its plastic lover, staring endlessly at it and making crooning noises, all the typical signs of a swan in love.

The boat in the meantime is still being hired out to families who want to picnic on the Aasee lake – where the star-crossed lovers have become a tourist attraction. Zoo director, Joerg Adler said, ‘This arrangement could go on forever, the swan believes it has found a partner for life.’

Love, Love Me Do: A True Valentine’s Love Story

Lovers reunited after 17 years

A British man and his Spanish former love have finally married 16 years after they drifted apart, reunited by a love letter lost behind a fireplace for over a decade, Will and Guy have discovered.

Steve Smith and Carmen Ruiz-Perez, both now 42, fell in love 17 years ago when she was a foreign exchange student in Brixham, southwest England, and got engaged after only a year together. Their relationship ended after she moved to France to run a shop in Paris.

A few years later, in a bid to rekindle their love, Smith sent a letter to her mother’s home in Spain. It was placed on the mantelpiece, but slipped down behind the fireplace and was lost for over a decade. The missing letter was only found when builders removed the fireplace during renovation work.

‘When I got the letter I knew I had to make the call,’ Ruiz-Perez said. ‘When we met again it was like a film. We met up and fell in love all over again.’

‘I’m just glad the letter did eventually end up where it was supposed to be,’ Smith said after the couple married last Friday.

What a lovely story.

Bertrand Russell’s prudent words

Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness.

The Old Man and The Dog – An Inspirational Story of Love by Catherine Moore

‘Watch out! You nearly broadsided that car!’ My father yelled at me.

‘Can’t you do anything right?’

Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn’t prepared for another battle.

‘I saw the car, Dad. Please don’t yell at me when I’m driving.’ My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I felt.

Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home, I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil.

What could I do about him?

Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess.

The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn’t lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn’t do something he had done as a younger man.

Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived.

But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow the doctor’s orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then
finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.

My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session, he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad’s troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it.

The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, ‘I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article.’ I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.

I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, and spotted dogs all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run, and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world’s aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.

I pointed to the dog. ‘Can you tell me about him?’ The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement.

‘He’s a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we’ve heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow.’ He gestured helplessly.

As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. ‘You mean you’re going to kill him?’

‘Ma’am,’ he said gently, ‘that’s our policy. We don’t have room for every unclaimed dog.’

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. ‘I’ll take him,’ I said.

I drove home with the dog in the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.

‘Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!’ I said excitedly.

Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. ‘If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don’t want it’ Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.

Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.

‘You’d better get used to him, Dad. He’s staying!’ Dad ignored me. ‘Did you hear me, Dad?’ I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate.

We stood glaring at each other like duellists when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.

Dad’s lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal.

It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on
the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad’s bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne’s cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe, and ran into my father’s room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad’s bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad’s peace of mind.

The morning of Dad’s funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. ‘Be not forgetful to entertain strangers.’

‘I’ve often thanked God for sending that angel,’ he said.

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article …

Cheyenne’s unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . .his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.

Life is too short for drama and petty things, so laugh hard, love truly, and forgive quickly. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Valentine’s Day Angels

Angels have a rich theology and mythology.  Angels invariably have wings and a halo.  They are angels of mercy, and in the case of Cupid, the Valentine angel, he always has his bow ready to fire an arrow into the heart of your beloved.

Other angels carry religious messages, most notably the Archangel Gabriel who foretells of Mary’s conception and the birth of Jesus.  There is a common belief that angels are the souls of dead babies.

Valentine Angel Jokes

  • Peter aged 7.  ‘Angels don’t eat much, but they drink a lot of milk from Holy Cows.’
  • Veronica aged 8. ‘I don’t understand about Valentine angels; why when a girl fancies a boy, they get an angel to shoot arrows at him.
  • Bert aged 25.  ‘My wife’s an angel’. Don aged 57. ‘You’re lucky, mine is still alive’.

Another Good Angel Joke

Just before Valentine’s Day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.  He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.  So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.  When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.  So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him, yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to email the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that email said? Ah, so you didn’t get one either?

Baseball Angels

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

In the big innings, Eve stole first, and Adam stole second.  Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son walked home.  The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

What Does An Angel Look Like?

  • Angels come in all shapes and sizes; all ages and skin types.
  • For example, the little old lady who returned your purse last week.
  • They come disguised as enemies, teachers, students, and even fools.
  • Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world when you smile.
  • They don’t take life too seriously, they travel light.
  • Remember the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.
  • An angel leaves no forwarding address, they ask nothing in return.
  • Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
  • Like the rich man who showed you that it is all possible, if only you believe.
  • Remember the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.
  • Think back to the friend who touched your heart, when you didn’t think you had one.
  • Some cherubs have freckles, and some have dimples, think of some with wrinkles, and some without.
  • They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, but when you choose to see, angels are everywhere you look.
  • So, open your eyes and count all your Angels; for you are truly blessed.

The reason that angels can fly is because they take themselves lightly. G.K. Chesterton.

You’ll meet more angels on a winding path than on a straight one. Daisey Verlaef.

Children’s Funny Ideas About Angels

Cupid with arrow in back

Item sent to Will and Guy by Kelvin Bowler a Primary Schoolteacher and old teaching friend.

  • When it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara,6.
  • Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7.
  • Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8.
  • I hear funny angels all the time in my dreams. And I’m sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I’m crazy. Molly, 8.
  • My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not very good for science. Henry, 8.
  • Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter. Jared, 8.
  • All angels are girls because they’ve got to wear dresses and boys don’t go for it. Antonia, 9.
  • Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9.
  • Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you died. Daniel, 9.
  • It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9.
  • My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9.
  • When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.

Angels Remind Us…..

Angels might be here to remind us of our spiritual dimension.

  • Angels also might be here to remind us:
  • To seek the best in ourselves at all times no matter who is watching or not watching. Integrity is a virtue they wish to remind us to practice at all times.
  • They act as role models to help and give to others. They constantly are reminders to help and give without expectation of anything in return.
  • Angels remind us to ‘lighten up’ in our lives and have a little fun. They know that families who laugh together stay together. Laughter is healing and those angels love to see the lighter side of life.
  • So no matter whether you believe or not believe in Angels, they certainly add to the magic, fun, and joy associated with the celebrations and festivities of Valentine’s Day and Christmas.

Will and Guy’s Favourite Five Angel Quotes

  • Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels.  Hebrews
  • We are like children, who stand in need of masters to enlighten us and direct us; and God has provided for this, by appointing his angels to be our teachers and guides.  Saint Thomas Aquinas
  • We shall find peace. We shall hear angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds.  Chekov
  • These things I warmly wish for you: Someone to love, some work to do, A bit o’ sun, a bit o’ cheer, And a guardian angel always near. Irish Blessing
  • True friends are like angels. They are precious and rare, and false friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

Twelve Thought Provoking Angel Sayings

It is not known precisely where angels dwell; whether in the air, the void, or the planets. It has not been God’s pleasure that we should be informed of their abode. Voltaire

  1. I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit. Mae West
  2. A man does not have to be an angel in order to be a saint. Albert Schweitzer
  3. Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. G. K. Chesterton
  4. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels. The Bible
  5. In Heaven, an angel is nobody in particular. George Bernard Shaw
  6. It is not because angels are holier than men or devils that makes them angels, but because they do not expect holiness from one another, but from God only. William Blake
  7. It’s easy to be an angel when you are in heaven. Anonymous
  8. We are each of us angels with only one wing, to fly we need only embrace each other. Anonymous
  9. The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone. George Elliot
  10. Philosophy will clip an angel’s wings. John Keats
  11. All God’s angels come to us disguised. James Russell Lowell
  12. Music is well said to be the speech of angels. Thomas Carlyle

Guardian Angels

‘From infancy to death human life is surrounded by their angel’s watchful care and intercession.  Beside each believer stands an angel as protector and shepherd leading him to life.’

Earth’s Angel Poem For Valentine’s Day

God’s Angels are depicted, All wearing pretty wings… Along with a golden harp and sweet music that they sing.

Don’t overlook Earth’s Angels, We see them everywhere… In the daily deeds they do, Because they truly care.

Cupid – Valentine’s Day Poem / Song

Cupid Valentine Poem

Cupid, draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover’s heart for me
for me

Cupid, please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover’s heart for me

Now I don’t mean to bother you
But I’m in distress
There’s a danger of me losing all of my happiness
For I love a girl who doesn’t know I exist
And this you can fix

So, Cupid, draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my lover’s heart for me
Nobody but me

Cupid, please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover’s heart for me

Now, Cupid, if your arrow makes his love strong for me
I promise I will love him until eternity
I know between the two of us his heart we can steal
Help me if you will

So, Cupid, draw back your bow
And let your arrow go
Straight to my
lover’s heart for me
Nobody but me

Cupid, please hear my cry
And let your arrow fly
Straight to my lover’s heart for me

Now, Cupid, don’t you hear me calling you, I need you,
Cupid, help me.

Words by Sam Cooke.

Ode To The Christmas Tree Angel

The time had come around again it was time to get our tree
In the car, we piled us boys, my sister on Mum’s knee
Out into the country, Dad drove for miles and miles
When at last he found the place, we could not contain our smiles.

Dad headed to the tall pine trees, his sharpest axe in hand
Dutiful behind him trailed his merry little band
At last, he spied the one he sought, a sapling straight and tall
“This will please your mum,” he said,
indeed it pleased us all.

With swift clean strokes, he had in no time cut it down
We placed the tree atop the car and headed back to town
The decorating of the tree this year will be supervised by Mum
The final piece, “The Angel” would be placed by the youngest one.

This year my baby brother will be helped by sis and me
But as we lifted the baby up we tripped and fell into the tree
Tangled in the trimmings
we rode the tree as down it came
Mid tears and cries right through the lounge room window pane.

I carried on tradition with my children every year
But when it came to “Angel” time up came a nagging fear
Of breaking glass and angels’ wings
and the message that it sent
To place my tree in a great big pot in reinforced cement!

Valentine’s Day Cats and Dogs

Will and Guy believe that cats and dogs get more pampering than many men and even some women.

Valentine cat cartoon

True Story – Bakery for Dogs Opens in Paris

An award-winning pastry chef has opened a bakery in Paris that caters only to dogs.  Mon Bon Chien sells bacon biscuits in the shape of a cat and also bone-shaped cookies made of foie gras reports the BBC.

The owner is Harriet Sternstein who moved to Paris from the US with her dog Sophie-Marie.  Sophie-Marie inspired the new business for her owner, who decided the best way to make a living was to combine her biggest enthusiasms – pastries, and pets.

‘Everything is made in the back of the boutique’, said Ms. Sternstein, ‘Every day, I make 200 to 300 biscuits, and special orders are taken daily.’

‘The Parisians come – and for the first time they think it’s very funny and they look at it and buy the ones that they think are the cutest. Then the dogs come back and choose which flavors they like the best.

‘I change flavors, based on what’s going on, I will be creating a special biscuit for Valentine’s Day.’

Mr. Mouse, can you get out of that without moving?

Valentine Chihuahua Puppy

valentine puppy

This Chihuahua puppy wears its heart on its sleeve. The cute male pooch, born with a perfect heart-shaped patch on its side, has been suitably named Heartkun by its owner in northern Japan.  The one-and-a-half-month-old pup was born as one of a big litter but is the only new arrival to sport such a heart-warming coat.

According to owner Emiko Sakurada, as reported in the Daily Mail, this is the first occasion a puppy with such marks had been born out of the more than one thousand Chihuahuas she has bred.

Will and Guy’s Valentine’s Day Trivia

Some of these Valentine’s Day Statistics are funny, many are interesting, and all are informative in their own way.

Only the USA, Canada, Mexico, France, Australia, and the UK, celebrate Valentine’s Day on February 14th – Will and Guy think it may also be celebrated in other countries, for example, China on the 7th day of the 7th month of their lunar calendar.

Valentine’s Day Card Trivia

  • Teachers will receive the most Valentine’s Day cards, followed by children, mothers, wives, and then, sweethearts. Children ages 6 to 10 exchange more than 650 million Valentine’s cards with teachers, classmates, and family members.
  • Approximately 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged on February 14th each year – the largest seasonal card-sending occasion of the year, next to Christmas.
  • According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion Valentine’s cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. [An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas].
  • Hallmark has over 1330 different cards specifically for Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Trivia about Flowers and Chocolates

  • 110 million roses, the majority color red, will be sold and delivered within a three-day time period.
  • The red rose was the favorite flower of Venus, the Roman goddess of love. Red stands for strong feelings California produces 60 percent of American roses, but the vast number sold on Valentine’s Day in the United States are imported, mostly from South America.
  • 15% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day.
  • 73% of people who buy flowers for Valentine’s Day are men, while only 27 percent are women.
  • More than 35 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolate will be sold for Valentine’s Day.
  • While 75% of chocolate purchases are made by women all year long, during the days and minutes before Valentine’s Day, 75% of the chocolate purchases are made by men.
  • Over $1 billion worth of chocolate is purchased for Valentine’s Day.
  • One-third of all Valentine’s cards are accompanied by gifts.
  • An estimated 25% of Valentine’s Day cards are humorous.
  • 70% of those celebrating the holiday give a card, followed by a telephone call [49%], gift [48%], special dinner [37%], candy [33%] restaurant meal [30%], and flowers [19%].
  • The Italian city of Verona, where Shakespeare’s lovers Romeo and Juliet lived, receives about 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet every Valentine’s Day.
  • About 3% of pet owners will give Valentine’s Day gifts to their pets. (Probably chocolate.)
  • The most fantastic gift of love is the Taj Mahal in India.  It was built by Mughal Emperor Shahjahan as a memorial to his wife.

Dating Agency for Parrots

An ornithologist who set up a dating agency for lonely parrots says it has been a huge success.

Rita Ohnhauser has already brought 1,300 lonely hearts together in Berlin and unlike other matchmakers she knows her pairs will never split – because the birds mate for life.

‘In the wild parrots search out a life partner and then spend every minute of the day with them, but when they are kept as pets they are mainly alone and get very depressed, ‘said Ohnhauser.

She added that parrot owners across Germany had started bringing their feathered friends to the sanctuary to find a mate, and she currently had 150 parrots busy ‘getting acquainted’ with other birds.

‘Birds experience love at first sight just like humans. But others make a really careful choice before entering a relationship. It can take up to three months, she said.

Valentine’s Day for cynics

Anti valentines day party poster

Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?   Stephen Wright

Say It with Flower

Jeremy visited a florist’ shop which showed a large sign that read, ‘Say It With Flowers.’

‘Wrap up one rose, please Jeremy demanded of the florist’s

‘Only one? she enquired frowning.

‘Ah yes just the one’, Jeremy replied. ‘I’m a man of very few words.’

American Valentine Cynics

Market researchers deduced from their survey that eight million Americans send Valentine’s Day gifts to themselves.  Perhaps they feel lonely, maybe unloved, but at least they get something nice.

One of the Best, or the Worst, Examples of Cynical Valentines

To my darling

My lover

My beautiful wife

Marrying you

Has screwed up my life

Falling Out of Love

A Russian man divorced his wife of 18 years after finding she had been feeding him cheap pumpkins instead of courgettes. Ivan Dimitrov, 47, was devastated to find the pie he had been eating for six months was made of pumpkins and not courgettes. Mr. Dimitrov, from Voronezh, said when he realized the truth, after finding pumpkin rinds in the bin he immediately hired a lawyer to organize a quick divorce from his wife Irena, 38. He said, “She knows I absolutely hate pumpkins and she lied to me for months about it just because the pumpkins were cheap. What else has she been lying about?

What man could trust a woman who fed him pumpkins for half a year?”

Can We Come Back Tomorrow?

A couple were having marital problems. They decided together to do the right thing and they contacted a marriage guidance counselor.

Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the the counsellor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, and asked her to stand up he gave her a huge cuddle.

He turned to the husbandman and said, ‘This is what your wife needs, at least once every day.’

The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, ‘Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?’

Romance At the Brentford ‘Bees’

get me a beer poster

Martin Allen is the Manager of Brentford Football Club, who play in the Coca-Cola Football League Division One. Allen used his program notes to inform his wife of the significance of the ‘Bees’ date with top-of-the-table Southend ‘Blues on February 14.

He said, ‘I’m taking her to the theatre to see a new show. It will be passionate, it will be fiery and there could be some blood spilled. The performance that night will start at 7.45 pm.

‘This will be followed by a greasy kebab at 11 o’clock down on the A4. Pure romance.’

As reported by the Valentine’s Day cynics at The Daily Mirror, UK.

More Cynical Valentine’s Day Stories

Who says Romance is Dead?

Will and Guy know a man who regularly takes his wife to his darts match to celebrate her birthday each year. We will avoid using names here to protect this dart player extraordinaire.

It’s a Hot Date for Couples

A special ring that heats up to remind husbands and wives of wedding anniversaries has been created. Makers of the ring, which heats up from hand temperature to 115F-120F in a 10-second burst on the day before the anniversary, said it could put an end to rows over forgotten dates reports the Scotsman.

The Remember Ring, which is currently a concept product not yet in stock at Goldsmith Gallery, Sitka, southeast Alaska, will eventually sell for around $700 to $850. Inventor Cleve Oines, 26, is currently working on a prototype of the ring, which should be available soon.

More Grounds for Incompatibility?

Valentine Funeral

A Romanian pensioner asked for a divorce after only eight months when his wife’s cat ate his two pet parrots. Sandu B, 67, from Focsani, wants to divorce his wife, who is 20 years younger than him, on grounds of incompatibility.

Spirit of Valentine’s Day Dies

A 43-year-old German decided on February 14th to settle his imminent divorce by chainsawing a family home in two and making off with his half in a forklift truck. Police in the eastern town of Sonneberg said the trained mason measured the single-story summer house – which was some 8 meters long and 6 meters wide – before chainsawing through the wooden roof and walls.

‘The man said he was just taking his due,’ a police spokesman told the New Zealand Herald. ‘But I don’t think his wife was too pleased.’

After finishing the job, the man picked up his half with the forklift truck and drove to his brother’s house where he has since been staying.

Saudi’s Ban Red Roses on St Valentine’s Day

Religious police in Saudi Arabia have banned red roses for St Valentine’s Day.  The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice has ordered florists in Riyadh to remove any items colored scarlet, which symbolizes

One report said: ‘The religious police visited us last night.  It is not unusual for the authorities to clamp down ahead of Valentine’s Day, which it sees as encouraging relations between men and women outside of wedlock.

It is to be remembered that Sunni Islam prevents unrelated men and women from mixing.  It also bans women from driving and demands that they wear a headscarf and a cloak.  Relations outside marriage are punishable by law.

Chinese Sceptics

Using phrases such as ‘foxy lady’, ‘handsome guy’, and ‘moneybags’ in marriage adverts has been banned in part of China, in a campaign to stamp out fraud.

The edict against ‘seductive’ words by officials in Zhengzhou in Henan province follows complaints from customers who felt cheated by some adverts placed by marriage brokers.

From October 2007 all the descriptions must be approved by the city government.

Chinese Roo Tattoo

Chinese Tattoo

The official story

Joanne Raine has had her boyfriend’s nickname ‘Roo’ tattooed on her stomach; it was supposed to be a sign of her undying love. The 19-year-old from Darlington, UK paid £80 [$156]for the Chinese artwork and was delighted with the results. That was until she displayed the tattoo in a Chinese takeaway, locals said that it it spelled the word ‘supermarket.’

The pair have now split up, but Miss Raine said she will keep the tattoo because she cannot afford a new one.

The tattoo story according to Will and Guy’s friend Professor Lin

‘What I think happened’, says Prof Lin, ‘is that Joanne asked for Roo and picked the three letters, ‘R’, ‘O’ and ‘o’ from the tattooist’s alphabetical chart’.  The professor has kindly highlighted the three symbols in question.

Furthermore, the professor thinks that the official story is misguided because the Chinese for supermarket would be:

超级市场 or possibly 超市

Valentine’s Day ideas for a boy

Valentine’s Day ideas for a boy have two connotations, Will and Guy have concentrated on advice to girls on how to select a gift for their beloved. However, it’s not hard to switch ‘girl’ for ‘boy’, and ‘she’ for ‘he’, and thus help boys choose a surprise gift for their girlfriend.

Ideas For a Boy on Valentine’s Day – Will and Guy Have Suggestions:

  • Ask the young man first. About a week before Valentine’s Day, chat casually to your boyfriend and ask if he has anything special in mind that he’d appreciate. Don’t overdo it or he will become suspicious..
  • Is he a romantic? Does he appreciate a romantic approach that will involve booking a special restaurant for a five-course meal or filling the swimming pool with rose petals? Or is he more comfortable with just the usual night on the town with lots of laughter and favorite beers as the two of you in a pub? You know best how he feels, so make use of this knowledge to plan a special night together.
  • Do something rather than give something. If he has long wanted his hair dyed black, you could buy him some hair dye and prepare a home salon and dye it for him. Make sure you feel confident enough to get it right! You could also do this for home pedicures, massages, a yoga lesson, etc. – anything you have said you’d get around to helping him do or learn someday.
  • Always do homemade. It’s not just about buying stuff. Valentine’s is really about showing that you care. Make your boyfriend a card that says how much you love him. Write a poem or some sweet prose. Anything to say how much you care about him and the reasons why. Many people just love being told the exact reasons why they matter so much; this can be the best gift of all. Use our site ideas.
  • A kiss is a gift!
  • Bake something for your sweetheart. Bake some heart-shaped cakes or biscuits with hundreds and thousands, and with “I love you” printed on them in icing. Arrange it in a box and present it to him with a card. Decorate a photo of the two of you. This is a very personalized and caring gift.

You’ll never guess what I’ve bought you for Valentine’s Day!

Valentine Cartoon

An Interesting Love Potion

I know that you’re a little shy,
But don’t let that bother you;
‘Cause I’ve got the perfect recipe
For a very special brew!

The first few steps begin with you,
Now you really must believe…
With a little confidence
There’s so much you can achieve!

So, first, you take a cup of wonder,
Blend in a little adoration,
Combine that with a dash of faith
And let this be your foundation!

Add a little splash of wisdom
And a nice big shot of fun,
Then mix in a bit of starlight;
Soon the magic has begun!

Stir in a little twist of hope,
And a nice big dash of glee;
A bit of luck and patience
Will help make your destiny!

Now just add a splash of truth
And pour it all into a jar,
Then think about the one you love
And wish upon a star!

Valentine’s Day Ideas for a Girl


My dearest wife is always going on and on and ON about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine’s Day.  She repeats that it’s the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous February 14ths but she didn’t quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here’s my list – see what you think:

  • Brand new mop and bucket. I was thinking it would be fun to see what color the floor was because I couldn’t remember.
  • Romantic dinner at a fast food restaurant. I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive-through.
  • Chocolates left over from last year’s candy box. I was thinking of how proud she’d be of me for not wasting food. She’s been nagging me for years to recycle.
  • Midnight moped ride through the park. I was thinking that I was getting too old to be peddling on the bike.
  • Dozen roses printed on high-quality photo paper. One of my favorites is this – I thought these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
  • 45-second back massage. I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.
  • Windows 8 I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.

Valentine’s Day Jokes

As ever, Will and Guy have a mixture. For Valentine’s Day, we have jokes, funny pictures, strange stories, and even poems for romantics.

‘It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all’.  Samuel Butler

The Perfect Lovers’ Island Discovered

Valentine Island

A tiny heart-shaped island in the Adriatic Sea has become a holiday hit for St Valentine’s Day after being discovered on Google Earth. Even the uninhabited island’s owner didn’t realize how perfectly heart-shaped the island off the Croatian coast was until he was swamped with requests from lovers to stay there.

‘It has been incredible. We think it is the most perfect heart-shaped island in the world,’ said Vlado Juresko, whose family owns the 130,000 square yard islet of Galesnjak, hastily renamed “Lovers’ Island”. ‘Nobody lives there so if lovers do want to spend time alone it’s the perfect desert island. We always thought it looked a bit like a heart but since it’s been on Google Earth everyone else has seen it too and the whole world seems to want to stay here.’

Valentine Quotes

‘Women with pasts interest men… they hope history will repeat itself.’ Mae West.

Q: Who sends a thousand Valentine’s cards signed, ‘guess who’?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Valentine Poem – My Own Sweet Valentine

Like the sweetly budding rose,
Freshened by the gentle rain
Like the Evening Star that glows,
Brightest of the starry train

Like a well arranged Bouquet,
Where the fairest flowers combine,
Odors rich and colors gay,
Is my own Sweet Valentine

My Love

1st time I saw u I was scared 2 touch u.
1st time I touched u I
was scared 2 kiss u.
1st time I kiss u I was scared 2 love u,
But now dat I love u im scared 2 lose u.

Oscar Wilde’s Take on Marriage

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.  

Valentine Shock

St Valentine ‘Not the Saint of Love’

Britain’s Roman Catholic Church is advising lovelorn singles to direct their 14 February requests for love to St Raphael, rather than St Valentine.  Over the years St Valentine has come incorrectly to be associated with finding love, the Church says.  He is the patron saint for those who have already found their soul mate.  St Raphael is the patron saint for happy encounters and it is to him those fearing the Valentine’s post should properly direct their prayers.

A True ‘Valentine’ Story – Michael Young

A man who fell in love with a fellow passenger onboard a flight got the airline to help him track her down. Michael Young fell for Juliet Lever on a Flybe flight from Belfast to Newcastle. Juliet, who was in seat 2B, and Michael, who was in 2C, hit it off instantly. Sadly, Michael was too shy to ask Juliet for her number. He confirmed this on the Victoria Derbyshire show on BBC Radio 5 Live today. [October 2006]

He pined for her so much after they parted that he contacted the airline and begged bosses to ask her to get in touch. They obliged and Juliet, 29, phoned him and they agreed to go out to dinner. A whirlwind romance followed and they are to get married next month.

Juliet, who now lives with Michael in Manchester, said, ‘Every girl dreams of a fairytale romance and you couldn’t get better than this.’

Flybe’s Head of Customer Relations, Ella Jones commented, ‘Michael’s tale pulled heart strings so we played cupid.’

Valentine’s Day Limerick – The Old Man of Lyme

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time
When asked, ‘Why a third?’
He replied, ‘One’s absurd!
And bigamy, Sir, is a crime.’

Thoughtful Valentine’s Present

Peter, who was in his early 20’s, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweler’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweler inquired, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’

Peter thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, ‘No, instead engrave ‘To my one and only love’.’ The jeweler smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’

Peter retorted with a glint in his eye, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’

A Thoughtful Valentine’s Day Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

Question and Answer Valentine Jokes
Valentine's day jokes

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the Valentine’s card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss,

Knock, Knock,
Who’s there?
Olive who?
Olive you!

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a Ram’s favorite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

More Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes

Valentine Dreams

One morning Emma woke up with a start.  Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, “I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it – only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of dreams”.

500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man

Valentine letter box

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s Day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asked Mike.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

  • What did the stamp say to the envelope? I’m stuck on you.

Be My Valentine

It was Valentine’s Day and Jim and Danielle’s first date.  They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.  The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema’s concession stand.  Jim and Danielle realized that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted’, Okay, who’s got the remote control?’

Love is Blind?

valentine cartoon

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, ‘I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.’

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, ‘What’s your condition?’

Phil answered, ‘Tell me your wish in just three words.’

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money, and handed it to the man along with her address.  She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, ‘Clean my house.’

Another Funny Valentine Joke

How Long Have You Been Married?

When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice. ‘The first ten years are the hardest.’

‘How long have you been married?’ she asked.

‘Ten years’, he replied.

Valentine’s Day Kiss | Record Valentine’s kisses

Valentine’s Kiss Causes UFO Alert

A young man, living in Straubing, Germany, triggered a police alert when he asked his girlfriend to marry him on Valentine’s Day.

He kissed his belle on the bank of the Isar river and then he asked her to marry him.  As a romantic
gesture, he released into the air fifty tiny hot-air balloons made of paper, with little candles burning under them. Frightened local residents telephoned police to report seeing ‘strange lights in the sky.’

Will and Guy have learned that the policemen, who tracked down the couple enjoying the magic sight together, were happy to report that she had accepted the marriage proposal and they are to be betrothed in the autumn.

The Story of A Valentine’s Kiss

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship for Valentine’s Day, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good kisser and a girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Kiss me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call (405) 865-5675 and ask for Daisy.

Over 12,000 ‘Romeos’ phoned and found themselves talking to the Memphis Humane Society about a 7-week-old Labrador retriever dog.

Men are so easy…

Record Valentine’s Day Kisses

Will and Guy can verify that the world kissing record has been beaten.  In Mexico City on 14th February 2009, 39,897 people in the main square locked lips for ten seconds.

The previous record for kissing was held by ‘SkyEurope Airlines’.  On the 14th February 2008, SkyEurope counted 2214 kisses on board its flights on Valentine’s Day. In all 14 planes on 84 flights were involved in this project which they
called KISS EUROPE. The best routes for kissing were on flights to the UK, France, and Italy.

This was the 6th year that SkyEurope had brought love to the air, and created a world record for the number of kisses on Valentine’s Day in the skies. 31 crew counted the kisses and the kissing passenger was given a certificate and a useful voucher for a free ticket.   As a neat touch each passenger, kissing or not, received a little chocolate heart.

A Kiss for Prince Charming?

Nigel, an alcoholic, staggered into a bar on Valentine’s Day and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked up to her and kissed her in honor of Valentine’s Day.  She jumped up and slapped him really hard.  Nigel immediately apologized and explained, ‘Look, I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife.  You look exactly like her.’

‘Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!’ she screamed at the top of her voice. ‘Funny,’ Nigel muttered, shaking his head, ‘you even sound exactly like her.’

Kissing One-liners

Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. Marilyn Monroe

‘I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.’ Barbara Bush

Kids Valentine One-liners

  • What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s Day? Ughs and kisses.
  • What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day? I Love Ewe.
  • What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day? I’m stuck on you!
  • What does a man who loves his car do on February 14? He gives it a Valenshine.
  • Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine’s Day
  • Knock knock! Who’s there? Frank Frank who?Frank you for being my friend.
  • Knock knock! Who’s there? Howard Howard who?Howard you like a big kiss?

Short, Tasteless Joke for Valentine’s Day

Paul went to the shopping mall last week to buy Valentine’s cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. Paul muttered out loud, ‘I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives?’ The shopkeeper, behind the counter said, ‘Oh, yes sir, they do have an “ex” category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.’ ‘Really?’ queried Paul. ‘Yes sir. They’re called darts.’

My Poem for You

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I made this card
Just for you
It’s not the neatest,
It wouldn’t pass a test
But it’s made with love
That makes it the best.

Valentine’s Day Love Poems

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood faith.
I love thee with a love
I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,-I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-and, if God chooses,
I shall but love thee better after death.
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Hindsight [A humorous Valentine poem]

I said to you, ‘Oh, please be mine;
Be mine forever, Valentine.’
I must have seemed like quite a fool,
Although I thought I was being cool.
I swore that we would never part,
As I put my hand upon my heart.
Had I been thinking with my head,
I’d probably have fled instead.

By Joanna Fuchs

Similar Posts