New Year's Jokes

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in.  A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.  Bill Vaughan

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

New Year: Time to Diet

new year diet cartoon

Well, well.  It seems that your weight is perfect.  It just happens that you are eleven feet too short. 

New years resolutions

New Year’s Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.


A New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.

That Was a Tough Year

It’s been a tough year, but I’ve made it so far!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am……

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.’

New Year Jokes – One-Liners

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.

I gave up thinking.

Definition of a hangover: Wrath of Grapes.

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover

  1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s pets.
  2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “Stay still.”
  3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
  4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and give it a whirl!”
  5. You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
  6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
  7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
  8. Your catchphrase is, “Never again.”
  9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
  10. Your new response to “Good morning,” is “Be quiet!”

Happy New Year

Happy new year pencils

Artist, Harwinder Singh Gill, displays a special New Year message he carved into the tips of colored pencils in Amritsar, India.

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds. ‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’

‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.

‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’

New Year’s Day Quotes

New years quotes cartoon
  • One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things. John Burroughs
  • Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde

Classic New Year Poem

Ring out the old, ring in the new

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Alfred, Lord Tennyson. (1849 –> 50)

More Funny New Year Jokes

New Year’s Resolutions by Fido

  • I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
  • I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the backyard with it.
  • I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am hemorrhaging.
  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.
  • Something different – Chinese New Year Jokes

Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700’s, it was first published in 1796 after Burns’ death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, ‘Auld Lang Syne’ literally means ‘old long ago,’ or simply, ‘the good old days.’

Here are the lyrics: however, many people seem to remember only the first verse.

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days
of auld lang syne?
And here’s a hand, my trusty friend
And gie’s a hand o’ thine
We’ll tak’A cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne.

New Year Humor

A Bad Dream?

Jemima took an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After waking up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. In her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.

New Year’s Day Party – That Never Was?

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Jim, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Jim ate lunch with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Jim. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek, and asked what the score was. Jim told her it was half-time and that the score was still 0-0.

‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’

Introduction to the Mari Lwyd Tradition

Mari Lwyd head

The custom of the Mari Lwyd (Grey Mare) is unique to Wales. What happened on or around New Year’s Eve was this, a group of friends would dress up in costume with the star attraction being a real horse’s head.  What distinguishes the Mari Lwyd celebrations from other types of New Year merriment is that the revelers challenge householders to a singing contest in Welsh.  In a nutshell, the Mari Lwyd tradition is wassail singing par excellence, with mummer animal head costumes, coupled with trick-or-treat menace.  See more about the Mari Lwyd

Maeshowe Orkney Isles (Scotland) Cairn was built 5,500 years ago


At the winter solstice, the sun is so low in the Orkney islands that its rays light up the back wall of the cairn.  This only happens once a year on the shortest day – weather permitting. It’s fascinating to think how our ancestors not only calculated what would happen but had the time and patience to construct the aperture.

New Year – Key Questions

How to tell that you have entered a new year:

  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  • Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

Ode To The New Year

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, and the eggnog I’d taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt and prepared once again to do battle with dirt – I said to myself, as I only can ‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’

So – away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished ‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick. I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie, I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and all a good diet!

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Spend more time with the family.
  2. Take more exercise – Get fit.
  3. Lose (lose!) weight.
  4. Give up smoking (again).
  5. Get out of dept.
  6. Learn a new skill, take up a new hobby.
  7. Put something into the community -help others.
  8. Get organized.  Else buy shares in diaries, or companies selling electronic planners!
  9. Become more security conscious.
  10. Give up drinking, at least for the first week of January!

New Year Quotes

7 Quotations for the New Year

  • Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it’s twice as onerous a duty. John Selden
  • Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. Unknown
  • It wouldn’t be New Year if I didn’t have regrets. William Thomas
  • Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right. Oprah Winfrey
  • The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul. G.K. Chesterton
  • A dog’s New Year’s Resolution: I will not chase that stick unless I actually see it leave his hand. Unknown
  • Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin

Our Five Further Favourite Funny Quotes for the New Year

  • I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul
  • New Year’s Eve: Where auld acquaintance be forgot…Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. Jay Leno
  • New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.  Mark Twain
  • Every new year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?  Ogden Nash
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Irish Toasts for the New Year:

  • In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, but never in want.
  • The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. P.J. O’Rourke
  • True friends are like angels. They are precious and rare, and false friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

5 Longer New Year Quotes

  1. We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day. Edith Lovejoy Pierce
  2. From New Year’s on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. Leonard Bernstein
  3. I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning, and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. Anais Nin
  4. New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. James Agate
  5. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. Jay Leno

How to Tell That You Have Entered a New Year:

  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You enter your password on the microwave.
  • You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from Canada, but you haven’t spoken with your next-door neighbor all last year.
  • You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  • The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  • Your idea of being organized is multi-colored Post-it notes.
  • You’re reading this.

Bill Vaughn’s New Year Quotes

  • An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.
  • A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
  • Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve.
  • Old age is when you’re forced to.

Wise Words to Start the New Year

  • The early worm gets eaten!
  • There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
  • Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference.
  • Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
  • You can’t skip and be unhappy at the same time.
  • I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

The Wisdom of An Angel

An angel appears at a meeting of religious leaders and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, God will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.

‘Done!’ says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of the others whispers, ‘Say something.’

The leader sighs and says, ‘I should have taken the money.’

New Year Traditions

Each country has its own way of celebrating the new year.  In many European countries, the New Year celebrations are more important than those for Christmas.

Scotland – Hogmanay

What is Hogmanay?

The Hogmanay festivities get underway at about lunchtime on the 31st of December.  At about 2 minutes to midnight, a lone piper plays, and then after the chimes of midnight, everyone sings Auld Lang Syne.  In rural areas, you may find first footing dances, called ceilidhs.  It is considered lucky if the first person to cross the threshold is a tall dark stranger.  This superstition may have resulted from fear of fair Viking raiders who were bent on rape and pillage.

Possibly a more modern tradition is exchanging gifts known as ‘Hogmanays’.  Indeed it is interesting to observe which countries and cultures exchange gifts at Christmas, and which exchange their presents (or ‘Hogmanays’) at New Year.  What shaped Hogmanay from the 17th to the 1950s was that Scots rejected Christmas because they thought it a Catholic and an English festival.  As a result, Protestant Scots worked through Christmas Day and Boxing Day then celebrated Hogmanay with a vengeance.

Derivation of the Word ‘Hogmanay’

The majority opinion is that comes from the Gaelic oge maidne meaning ‘New Morning’.  However, several French words have also been suggested as the source.  Hoguinané, or anguillanneuf, which roughly translates as New Year Gift.

Perhaps the best way of summing up the Scot’s attitude to celebrating Hogmanay is to declare the 2nd of January as a public holiday – to recover from the new celebrations.  It is worth noting that there is a big difference between the raucous celebrations with strangers in Edinburgh and Glasgow; compared with the more ritualized celebration where you know everyone in Scottish Islands such as Lewis.

Will and Guy’s Clean Funny Hogmanay Jokes

See in The New Year with Some Clean Scottish Humour

It was a bitterly cold day on the golf course and the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they neared the clubhouse, the caddy heard the words he was longing to hear, ‘This is for a hot glass of whisky.’ He held out his hand and a sugar cube was placed in it.

An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman

‘Where are you from, pal?’ asked the Scotsman, after they’d chatted for a while. ‘I’m from the finest country in the whole wide world,’ said the American.

‘Are you?’ said the other. ‘You have a very funny accent for a Scotsman.’

Some say the old ones are best.  You can make up your own mind with these short clean Scottish jokes

  • What do you call the Scottish dentist?………………………….. Phil McCavity.
  • Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?…………. He couldn’t do a fling with it.
  • Hear about the skeleton that wore a kilt?………………………… It was Boney Prince Charlie.
  • How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed? He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.
  • How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home? Tell him that the drinks are in the house.
  • A Scotsman went to England for the weekend. He took a clean shirt and a twenty-pound note with him. When he arrived home he hadn’t changed either of them.

Auld Lang Syne Featuring Norwegian Singer Sissel

Three More New Year Customs

These days apple bobbing is associated with Halloween, but in Celtic societies, they also play this game of trying to grab an apple in one’s teeth at New Year.  Bonfires are also associated with New Year, the town of Biggar in Scotland has a reputation for a particularly warm fire at Hogmanay.

Another concept is that of the underdog, or every dog has his day. In essence, roles are reversed, officers become other ranks, and other ranks become top dogs.

The first footing custom whereby the first man who set foot over the threshold set the homesteader’s luck for the year.  A dark (non-Viking) carrying a bottle of whisky was particularly portentous of a good year ahead.  A grey-haired man with coal, cakes, and a few coins was also welcome.

Will and Guy Take a Funny Sideways Scottish Swipe At The Average Englishman

  1. The average Englishman, sitting in his home which he calls his castle, puts on his waterproof clothing as he goes out; a raincoat patented by Charles Macintosh of Glasgow, Scotland.
  2. He drives the car fitted with tires invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Irvine, Scotland.
  3. At the office, he receives his mail with adhesive stamps which, although they bear the Queen of England’s head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.
  4. During the day he uses the telephone; invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.
  5. At home in the evening he watches his son ride his rear-wheel-driven bicycle; invented by Kirkpatrick MacMillan, a blacksmith born in Thornhill, Scotland.
  6. He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburgh, Scotland, and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Dumfries, Scotland.
  7. He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Holy Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot: King James VI, [the first king of both Scotland and England] who authorized the Bible’s translation which was published in 1611.
  8. Nowhere can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots; he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
  9. If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Fleming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an anesthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
  10. When he comes round from the anesthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.
  11. Then he might run away to Auckland in New Zealand only to find that John Campbell from Glasgow founded the city.
  12. He may then choose to study in Canada and he would soon discover that James McGill, born in Glasgow, founded the University in Montreal.
  13. So he then tries to settle in Chicago, USA where he finds that the Pinkerton Detective Agency in Chicago was founded by Allan Pinkerton from Scotland in 1850.

New Year in Europe

France – New Year’s Eve is:  La Saint-Sylvestre  Jour de l’An (New Year’s Day)

The French call New Year’s Eve La Saint-Sylvestre.  It is celebrated with a feast called le Réveillon de Saint-Sylvestre.  This tradition includes dishes such as foie gras washed down with champagne.  The event can be a dinner with friends and family or a communal ball (une soirée dansante).

Following la Saint-Sylvestre is Jour de l’An (New Year’s Day); this is a time for meeting friends and family and exchanging good wishes and maybe gifts.  The French round off the holiday season on Epiphany.

Italy – La Festa di San Silvestro

Germany – Saint Sylvester

Chaul Chnam Thmey – Cambodia

Ōmisoka – Japan

German New Year Tradition – Neujahrsbräuche

Bleigießen pronounced BLYE-ghee-sen)  ‘Lead pouring’ (das Bleigießen) is an old custom where sages read molten lead, much like mystics read tea leaves.  What they do is melt a lead cherry-sized piece of lead in a tablespoon (by holding a flame under the spoon) and then pour the molten lead into a bowl of water. The resulting pattern is interpreted to predict the coming year.  Common interpretations include a ball (der Ball), which indicates that luck will roll your way. What people fear is any sign of a cross pattern (das Kreuz) as that signifies death.

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