Funny, story  movie condensed versions

Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975 Jaws - joke condensed version Roy Scheider There's a big shark in the water. Close the beaches. Murray Hamilton No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists. (Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw I'm tough and grim. (shark eats him) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss Take that. (shark dies) THE END Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000 Julia Roberts I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil. Albert Finney Ok. Julia Roberts This company is poisoning water. Let's fry their ugly hides in extract of hell. (They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.) THE ENDRomantic one-liners Close Encounters of the Third Kind Directed by Steven Spielberg 1977 (Airplanes are found in the desert.) Researchers Wow! (UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss' house.) Richard Dreyfuss Wow! (UFOs appear over Devil's Tower.) All Wow! THE END Notting Hill Directed by Roger Michell 1999 Hugh Grant I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm in love with you. Julia Roberts I'll date you, no I won't , yes I will, no I won't . I'm sorry, I have too many rich-and-glamorous issues. Now I've gotten over them. THE END Reservoir Dogs Film Directed by Quentin Tarantino 1992 Michael Madsen Who's the rat? (shoots a cop) Harvey Keitel I didn't do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney) Tim Roth Don't look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen) (Everybody else shoots each other.) THE ENDTitanic film condensed version Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron 1997 Leonardo DiCaprio Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun. Kate Winslet You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle. (The ship SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio Never let go. Kate Winslet I promise. (lets go) THE END

Ultra Condensed Versions of Movies

Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte Edward Rochester I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what? Jane Eyre Yes. Edward Rochester My secret is that I have a lunatic wife. Jane Eyre Bye. (Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.) THE END Don Quixote By Cervantes Don Quixote Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing. Sancho Panza No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless. Don Quixote (falls down) THE END A Christmas Carol By Charles Dickens Ebenezer Scrooge Bah, humbug. you'll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it. Ghost of Jacob Marley Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you're mean. 3 Ghosts of Christmas you're mean. Ebenezer Scrooge At last, I have seen the light. Let's dance in the streets. Have some money. THE END Lord of the Flies By William Golding (Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.) Ralph We need a fire. (They make a fire. It goes out.) Ralph We need a fire. (They make a fire. It goes out.) Ralph We need a fire. Jack Forget the fire. Let's kill each other. Other Boys Yeah! (They do.) THE END One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest By Ken Kesey Nurse Ratched I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control. Randall P. McMurphy But freedom and happiness are good things. Nurse Ratched Lobotomy time for you, buster. (McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.) THE END The Catcher In the Rye By J. D. Salinger  Holden Caulfield Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I'm a stupid jerk. THE END

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