Funny, story  movie condensed versions


Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975 Jaws - joke condensed version

Roy Scheider There's
a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.

Murray Hamilton No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the
beach to make room for the tourists.

(Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw I'm tough and grim. (shark eats him) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss Take that. (shark

Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000

Julia Roberts I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.

Albert Finney Ok. Julia
Roberts This company is poisoning water. Let's
fry their ugly hides in extract of hell. (They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.)
THE ENDRomantic one-liners

Close Encounters of the Third Kind Directed by Steven
Spielberg 1977

(Airplanes are found in the desert.) Researchers Wow! (UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss'
house.) Richard Dreyfuss Wow! (UFOs appear over Devil's
Tower.) All Wow!

Notting Hill Directed by Roger Michell 1999

Hugh Grant I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm in love with you.

Julia Roberts I'll date you, no I won't
, yes I will, no I won't
I'm sorry, I have too many rich-and-glamorous issues. Now I've gotten over them.

Reservoir Dogs Film Directed by Quentin Tarantino 1992

Michael Madsen Who's
the rat? (shoots a cop)
Harvey Keitel I didn't
do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney) Tim Roth Don't
look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen) (Everybody else shoots each other.)
THE ENDTitanic film condensed version

Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron

Leonardo DiCaprio Your social class is stuffy. Let's
dance with the ship's
rats and have fun. Kate Winslet You have captured my heart. Let's
run around the ship and giggle. (The ship
SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio Never let go. Kate Winslet I promise. (lets go)

Ultra Condensed Versions of Movies

Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte

Edward Rochester I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what?
Jane Eyre Yes.
Edward Rochester My secret is that I have a lunatic wife.
Eyre Bye.
(Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.)

Don Quixote By Cervantes

Don Quixote Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.
Sancho Panza No, master. It is
something ordinary and harmless.
Don Quixote (falls down)

A Christmas Carol By Charles Dickens

Ebenezer Scrooge Bah, humbug. you'll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep
the heat at five degrees, and like it. Ghost of Jacob Marley Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you're mean. 3 Ghosts of Christmas you're mean.
Ebenezer Scrooge At last, I
have seen the light. Let's
dance in the streets. Have some money.

Lord of the Flies By William Golding

(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire.
It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
Jack Forget the fire. Let's
kill each other.
Other Boys Yeah!
(They do.)

Flew Over the Cuckoo's
Nest By Ken Kesey

Nurse Ratched I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control.
Randall P. McMurphy But freedom and happiness are good things.
Ratched Lobotomy time for you, buster.
(McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.)

The Catcher In the Rye By J. D. Salinger 

Holden Caulfield Angst angst angst swear
curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I'm a stupid jerk.

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