For Will and Guy, Saturday morning still has an air of expectation – it’s
sports day, let’s quickly finish the chores and then settle down for our favourite sport.
Jokes for Saturday
- Aussie Barbecue Jokes
- Cabin Crew Announcements
- Car Jokes
- Caturday the tendency of people
to post funny pictures about cats on Saturdays - Drunk Knocks on Rodney’s
door - God and Eve
- Historical Truths
- Saturday Sports
- Who Has The Best Dad?
- Wise Words
Famous Saturdays
- Frankie Saturday (Singer).
- Geoff Saturday (Center Indianapolis Colts).
- Saturday’s child works hard for his living.
- Lazarus Saturday, the day before Palm Sunday.
- Caturday – Cats on Saturday!
Funny, Droll and Quirky Jokes for Saturday
Stolen Fruit
Mary was taken before the judge accused of theft, and he asked her, ‘What
did you steal?’
‘A small can of peaches,’ Mary replied, weeping.
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the peaches, and she replied
that she was hungry.
The judge then inquired, ‘And how many peaches were in the can?’
Mary
answered, ‘Only 6 small pieces.’
The judge harshly announced, ‘Then I will give you 6 days in jail.’ But
before the judge could finish pronouncing the punishment, the woman’s
husband, Derek, interrupted and asked the judge if he could say something?
The judge, slightly annoyed asked, ‘And what have you to say in your
wife’s defence?’
Derek spoke clearly, ‘She also stole a large can of
peas.’
The Season Ticket
Iris was reading her Saturday newspaper, while her husband, Ben, was
engrossed the magazine.
Suddenly, Iris burst out laughing. ‘Listen to this, Ben,’ she said,
‘There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a
season ticket to *Stamford Bridge.’
‘Hmmm,’ Ben said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Iris asked, ‘Would you swap me for a season
ticket?’
‘Absolutely not,’ Ben replied.
‘How sweet, ‘Iris continued, ‘Tell me why not.?’
‘Season’s more than
half over,’ Ben trumpeted.
*Stamford Bridge is the stadium where Chelsea Football Club plays.
The Lottery Winner
One Saturday evening Lorraine came home, screeching her car into
the driveway, she ran into the house, slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery.’
Tony, her husband called out, ‘Oh my God. What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ Lorraine continued, ‘Just get out.’
Shopping List
In the frozen foods department of Wal-Mart last Saturday morning, I
noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something
off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, ‘You
know, Harry, if we really mess this up, we’ll never have to do it again.’
Saturday’s child works hard for a living.
The Auction
One Saturday morning in Whyte’s Auction House the bidding was proceeding
furiously and strongly when the Chief Auctioneer suddenly announced, ‘A
gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars. If
returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars.
There was a moment’s silence in the auction house and from the back of
the room came a cry, ‘Two thousand five hundred.’
Examples of our Jokes and One-liners for Saturday
- Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
- What is the difference between a cello and a viola? A cello burns longer.
- I was staying in a hotel and I saw a sign on the shower cap, it said: ‘Fits one head only’
.
Ronnie Barker Jokes
‘The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.’
‘The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.’
Ultimate My Dad is Better than Your Dad
This was a part of the sermon at the John Pounds
Unitarian Church, Old Portsmouth: retold by Bill Ryan.
Three boys were talking together about what their father’s
did for a living.
Boy 1 Began by saying that his Dad wrote a few words on a piece
of paper, sent them away and received £20 for them and they called it a poem.
Boy 2 Not to be outdone said that his Dad wrote a few pages of words, sent them away and received £100 and they called it a
story.
Boy 3 Was full of himself and said that his Dad wrote a couple of sides of words, read them out on Sunday morning, called it a sermon and it took 6 people to go round and collect all the money.
Amusing Truisms
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Never do card tricks for the
group you play poker with.
Funny Notices
Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE
REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Wise Words
Even when I have pains, I don’t
have to be one.
To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Cabin Crew Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight ‘safety lecture’ a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples of funny airline cabin crew announcements:
- ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride.’ - After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’ - ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water
landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’
Big Eric
One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, ‘Big Eric doesn’t
pay’
, and took his seat.
Dave was
only a little man and he didn’t
really want to argue.
This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?
So Dave went to
the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn’t
want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.
Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.
At the usual stop, Big Eric
got on. ‘Big Eric doesn’t
pay’
, he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, ‘Oh, yeah? And why doesn’t
Big Eric pay?’
‘Because Big Eric
has got a bus pass’, the man replied.
Footnote:
Please send us your Saturday jokes