Our mission is to amuse you with a wide variety of
funny clean jokes,
amusing anecdotes and thought provoking images. Our ongoing project is to collect jokes which reflect each month.
5 Things you should already know:
1) There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness' .
2) People who want to
share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.
3) You should not confuse your career with your life.
4) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't
get through to enquiries, can you help?'. Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?' Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel
Centre'. Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
Out of the Mouths of Children - Good Joke
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me
to do it without using tables. Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't
have to. My Mom is a good cook.
Simple question: Why?
Why are boxing
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you
when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby'
when babies wake up, like,
every two hours?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds'
when they know there is not enough?
Zany London Tube Drivers add Spice to the Journey
'We are taking the scenic route to Barking on the District Line. We will be stopping at all stations to Barking with the exception of Cannon
Street. This train does not stop there on Saturdays due to ....(PAUSE) ...total lack of interest.' 'This is Paddington Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at
the end of my shift.' 'Hello this is the captain of your Uxbridge train speaking, and we will be departing shortly. Please note that we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet,
and our scheduled arrival time in Uxbridge is 11:15pm. The temperature in Uxbridge is a cool 10 degrees Celsius, and Uxbridge is in the same time zone as Aldgate, so there's
no need to adjust your watches.' 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage'
Clever Wise Words
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
History and Maths Lesson
A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, 'This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.' A fellow at the front of
the crowd asks, 'When did that happen?' '1215', answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee whiz - Just missed it by a half hour.'
Credit Crunch One Liners
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been
I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.
A man went to his bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small
business. How do I go about it?'
'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a
big one and wait.'
A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of
saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young
executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
Curious Name Places Located in the UK
Great Snoring in Norfolk
Little Snoring in Norfolk [which would you prefer to live in?]
Beer in Devon [Possible retirement place for Will?]
Maggots End in Hertfordshire [Ugh]
End can be found in Berkshire and again near Birmingham [Lovely pub/restaurant in the place near Denmead, Hampshire]
Blubberhouses in Yorkshire [Visited there once says Will]
Major concerns for being a parent:
1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle. 2nd baby: You
pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours. 3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Caught with an Axe in his hand - Funny Joke Story
Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, 'George Washington not only
chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Iris, do
you know why his father didn't punish him?' Iris replied, 'Because George still had the axe in his hand?'