Here is a page of our, clean short jokes and one-liners. As usual, we aim for a variety of tales and tall stories - something funny for every mood. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. Peter Ustinov
Short Joke Sections
- Five of Will's Favourite Short Jokes
- Funny One-liners
- Five of Guy's Favourite Short Jokes
- Short Jokes - School Excuse Notes
- Short Jokes - Schoolboy Howlers
- Short Jokes - Milkman's Notes
- Short Jokes-of-the-day
Two men from Ireland were Talking in a Pub'I wouldn't go to America if you paid me,' said Michael. 'Why is that?' asked the Patrick. 'Well for one thing, they all drive on the right hand side of the road there.' 'And what's wrong with that?' inquired Patrick. 'Well', said Michael, 'I tried it driving in Dublin the other day and it's terrible.'
The Vicar is Buying a Parrot'Now, you're sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?' he inquired. 'Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,' the storekeeper assures him. 'Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the Lord's Prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.' 'Brilliant. Wonderful!' grins the Vicar, 'but what happens if I pull both strings?' 'I fall off my perch, you twit!' screeches the parrot.
Customer Bowled Over by ServiceA car mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clanking noise when going around corners so he took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk. When he arrived back at the garage he returned the car to the service manager with this note: 'Removed bowling ball from trunk.'
The T.V. is No JokeI got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault. She asked me what was on the TV and I said: dust. Didn't go too well after that.
The Latest Adventure FilmMark, our five-year-old grandson, couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the film we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, 'What caused the submarine to sink?' With a look of incredulity Mark replied, 'Grandpa, it was the 20,000 leaks!'
- No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
- Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
- Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
- From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
- Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
- Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
- Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
- Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
- My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because I playing bingo in one of those bingo sites.
- So sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
Shame'You should be ashamed,' the father told his son, Andy, 'When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.' 'Really?' Andy responded. 'Well, when he was your age, he was president.'
Near Death ExperienceA boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?' 'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee. 'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'
Homework Task:Draw a Picture of Mummy at Work Here is a copy of Mummy's note, the next day, for the teacher: Dear Miss Greenwood, That is not a dance pole on stage in a dancing club. I work at Wal Mart and that's me selling a shovel. Yours faithfully, Sarah Fogarty.
Phone a Friend?Sally, a teenager, had been talking on the phone for almost ½ an hour and then she hung up. 'Crikey!' responded her father, 'That was short, darling, you usually talk for 2 hours or more. What happened?' 'Oh,' smiled Sally, 'It was a wrong number.'
Youth is Wasted on The Young?Elsie, a grandmother was telling her little granddaughter, Hannah, what her own childhood was like, 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tyre; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods,' opined Elsie. Hannah was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner, Grandma!'
- Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
- Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
- Here are Will and Guy's favourite schoolboy howlers. These are funny answers to exam questions, were culled by teachers reading through 1,000s of answers. Here are their moments of fun amid tedious schoolboy writing.
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
- The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
- The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
- InIn midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
- Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
Funny Short Jokes-of-the-day Sent by Readers
Wise Head on Young ShouldersI didn't know if my granddaughter, Rachael, had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. Rachael would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
Relative ValuesThe prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, 'Son, are you able to support a family?' 'Well, no, sir,' he replied. 'I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.'
Those Wanting To Be MarriedFather Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married. 'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested. Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- It was all so different before everything changed.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get
- A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
- 'stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand and ' lollipop' with your right.
- A ' jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
- In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
- If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
- The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
- The words 'racecar', ' kayak' and 'level' are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
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