A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Tesco.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. [A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.]
2) Eating out:
When the bill arrives, Russell, John and Trevor will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
If Claire, Louise and Hannah go out for lunch, they will call each other Claire, Louise and Hannah.
If Russell, John and Trevor go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Jackson, Parrot-face and TC [Top Cat - from the 1970's television cartoon series].
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about
the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
Thought for Today:
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty
from the neck up.
A woman has the last word in any
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
True Mates - Gender Differences
Julie didn't come home one night. When Tom asked her where she'd
been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house.
Tom was a bit suspicious she'd been "rooting around" so rang her ten
closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
The following week Tom didn't come home one night. Julie asks him
where he'd been. So Tom says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place
and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there.
Julie thinks he's been "rooting around" so rings his ten best mates.
In true male style - eight of them say he spent the night there and two
claim he's still there.
Men and Women Shopping!
The Difference Between
It's fascinating to see communication differences between men and women. Incidentally, the correct word here is indeed gender, this has everything
to do with masculinity and femininity and nothing to do with sex.
10 Recommendations Made By Men to Women
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
What do you mean, "leering?" She's obstructing my view.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is heading for the slip road,
saying, 'Oh, this is our exit, dearest,' is not really necessary.
When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appal myself.
"Sports Report" starts at 5pm on a Saturday and runs for one hour.
This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the
dryer, or talk to your mother.
If we see each other in the morning and at night, why phone me at
You probably don't want to know what I'm thinking about.
Never buy a "new" brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
Dress Sense - Polarises Gender Differences
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
More Amusing Gender Observations and Jokes
Have a Laugh with Will and Guy
- or at Least a Smile
How To Show a Girl a Good Time
To impress his date, Randy, a young man, took her to a very posh Italian
restaurant in Greenwich Village.
After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. 'We'll
have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,' he said.
'Sorry, sir,' said the waiter. 'That's the owner.'
What Price A Good Woman?
In East Windsor Hospital in Connecticut, USA, the relatives gathered in
the waiting room as their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I am
the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces, 'The only
hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain
The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a few
minutes, one asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor responded quickly, '$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a
female brain.' [£32,500 GBP - £13000 GBP]
The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man,
unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than the female brain?'
doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then replied to the entire
group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price
of the female brains, because they've been used.'
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men
need instant replays in sports because they've already forgotten what
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some small people living in the house.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would
you go to lunch or to a movie?
Book of the Week:
My wife suggested that a good book for me to read to enhance our
relationship. The title is, "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."
How To Help Around The House
Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way
he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
He ignored his wife Paula's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain
jobs around the house, but Philip didn't realize how much this bothered her
until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing
machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when
she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.
Paula looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
'That's OK, darling,' Philip said. 'You still have me.'
Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. 'Yes, Philip,' she wailed,
'but you don't work either.'
How To Show Consideration For The Good Woman
Two married friends, Ross and Allan went on a drinking binge together and
Ross started his tale of woe.
He said, 'Whenever I go home late at night after spending some time with
my friends at a bar, I turn the headlights and engine off before and coast
the car in my garage very, very silently. I sneak up the stairs only after
taking off my shoes and ease very slowly in bed. Still, my wife wakes up and
all hell breaks loose as she starts shouting g at me for drinking and for
being out so late.'
Allan gave Ross a long meaningful stare, shook his head, and commented,
'Mate, try my method. I screech into the driveway, slam all doors noisily,
storm up the steps, throw my clothes and shoes all over the place as I
undress and then jump into the bed and............my wife is always sound asleep.'
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