The name February is derived from the Latin februa, signifying the festivals of purification. Here are this months selection of Will and Guy's best jokes.
Here is a selection of our best clean jokes for February:
Our mission is to amuse you with our best clean jokes,
amusing anecdotes and thought provoking images. We also aim to surprise, but never shock you.
On February 13, 1746, a Frenchman, Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed for the murder of his father. Precisely 100 years later, on February 13, 1846, another Frenchman, also named Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed - for the murder of his father.
Funny One-liner Jokes
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
Why do Women have Two Hands?
Funny Product Information
On some frozen dinners: 'Serving suggestion: Defrost'. (But, it's just a suggestion). On a bar of Palmolive soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap'. (And that would be how???) On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): 'Do not turn upside down'. (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
Funny Shop Names
Bob Forster from Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has found a local plumber whose van announces: 'The Lone Drainer - he come pronto.'
'A Pane in the Glass' is the name of a glazier's in New York State, USA.
I have seen two of his examples, one in Croydon named 'The Vinyl Frontier'; a shop which sells second hand records;
Questions to Ponder
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
The following are reportedly English subtitles used in movies from Hong Kong.
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
Englishman, Frenchman and Irishman - Best clean joke
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children. 'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.' 'That's a real coincidence', observed the Frenchman', My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.' 'That's really incredible', drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
Etymology of the Word Shrove
In modern English, the word 'Shrove' has no meaning outside of pancake or Shrove Tuesday. Academics can trace shrove to the past tense of the verb shrive, which itself means absolution. This derivation helps to cement the meaning of eating up luxury food before the penance of fasting during Lent. If you bring to mind other old words such as Yuletide (Christmas) and Eastertide, then it will be no surprise that there are lesser known '-tides',Allhallowtide (Halloween), Whitsontide (Whitson) and Shrovetide. My point is that Shrove Tuesday is the last day of Shrovetide.