Contents
Here is Will and Guy's collection of amusing Christmas songs. Some lyrics are modern and other are traditional.
Here is Will and Guy's collection of amusing Christmas songs. Some lyrics are modern and other are traditional.Funny Christmas Song Titles
Here are 12 Carols that Will and Guy won't be singing this Christmas.
- We three kings of porridge and tar.
- On the first day of Christmas, my tulip gave to me.
- Sleep in heavenly peas.
- He's making a list, chicken and rice.
- You'll go down in Listerine.
- Noel, Noel, Barney's the King of Israel.
- Olive, the other reindeer...
- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.
- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.
- In the meadow we can build a snowman; then pretend that he is sparse and brown.
- Come, froggy faithful.
- Deck the halls with Buddy Holly.
Another Funny Christmas Carol
Samantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve. She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing.
A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house. In a few seconds tears were streaming down his face.
Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes. She sang every carol she knew. At last she stopped. 'I understand,' she said softly. 'You are remembering your happy childhood Christmas days. You really are extremely sentimental.'
Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, 'No..........I'm a musician.'
Footnote: Please send us your funny Christmas carols and stories.
Ten Amusing Christmas Carols For the Psychologically Challenged
- Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are ...
- Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
- Amnesia - I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas.
- Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Us.
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
- Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why.
- Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House.
- Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
- Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent night, Holy oooh look at the-it's snowing-can I have a chocolate-why is France so far away?
- Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
Funny Christmas Carol Lyrics
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
Every body stops and stares at me
These two teeth are gone as you can see
I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth, see my two front teeth!
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Best to use the tune: 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' by The Fibs
Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
In my home town shopping mall last night.
I knew it must be him
Santa is a very slim.
And his sideburns where much darker
Than the whiskers on his chin.
Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Hiding under that beard of snowy white.
Then I saw his whiskers slip,
When he curled his lip.
Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.
Santa Claus Lyrics
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
Santa Claus is coming to town
4 More Funny Christmas Carol Titles That Escaped From The Top 10
- Antisocial Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
- Bipolar Disorder (Manic Episode) - Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And.......
- Alzheimer's Disease/Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Twas The Night Before Christmas
Will and Guy are aware of the plethora of versions of The Night before Christmas and we think that many, but not all, are rather contrived and fairly meaningless. However, we have found this anonymous version the sentiment with which we both agree.
We hope that you will find it thought provoking and even, perhaps, it will bring a smile to your face.
'Twas the night before Christmas and out on the ranch
The pond was froze over and so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see-
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
Then suddenly, sometime around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
'Just what I expected,' they heard him remark.
'Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago.'
'I'll hunt up some candles,' said Mom.
'With their light,
And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right.'
The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back
from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle and started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, and first thing they knew
Both Pop and the kids
were all singing it, too.
They sang Christmas carols, they sang 'Holy Night,'
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
And when the kids wakened,
the power was back on.
'The power company sure got the line repaired quick,'
Said Grandpa - and no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!
A Christmas Carol
A Christmas Carol was written by Charles Dickens in 1834. It is perhaps the first time we see the idea of celebrating Christmas at home with the family. The story features such famous characters as Ebenezer Scrooge, Tiny Tim and Bob ratchit, and of course the Ghosts of Christmas, Past, Present and Future.
Ebenezer Scrooge
Scrooge is the world's most maligned character. How do we think of Ebenezer Scrooge? Firstly it's always Scrooge and never Ebenezer, secondly we always see him as hating children and being mean with money. If you find the time to read Charles Dickens novel 'A Christmas Carol', then you will discover a more complex personality. Indeed, the novel shows that Scrooge as a Jekyll and Hyde tendencies, where good overcomes evil.
The name Scrooge has become synonymous with meanness, and nothing is likely to change that general perception. We must also remember that Scrooge is a product of his time - London in the 1840s.
The Original Scrooge
The original Scrooge (who pre-dated Ebenezer) was probably Oliver Cromwell and his Puritan Council, who, in December 1657 abolished all Christmas festivities. These were restored in 1660 when King Charles the second was returned to the throne.
See a good account of Charles Dickens Christmas Carol Featuring Scrooge
To all you parents out there we wish you a Merry Christmas
Here is another amusing Yule time ditty adapting the theme: 'Twas the night before Christmas....
A Parent's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
Author Unknown
More Amusing and Funny Christmas Songs
Jingle Bells Lyrics by James Pierpoint
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob tails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight
A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
We got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot
Funny Christmas Carols
Health, Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs
Jingle Bells
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk
assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger
proportions. Please note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered noise pollution.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to thee ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding
onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field
and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA
Routefinder or GPS navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed
Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be found to be guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be instituted after a case study has been carried out and fully discussed at a full meeting of the appropriate Social Services Committee.
Kindly sent in by Shirley Willis.
Let It Snow! Amusing Christmas Carol by Sammy Cahn
Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
And I brought some corn for popping;
The lights are turned way down low,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
When we finally say good night,
How I'll hate going out in the storm;
But if you really hold me tight,
All the way home I'll be warm.
The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bye-ing,
But as long as you love me so.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town by Fred Coots and Henry Gillespie
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list,
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry.
Better not pout, I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
When Santa Got Stuck Up the Chimney
A Traditional Tune
When Santa got stuck up the chimney,
He began to shout,
You girls and boys,
Won't get any toys,
If you don't pull me out.
There's soot on my back,
And my beard is all black,
My nose is tickling too!
When Santa got stuck up the chimney,
Achoo, Achoo, Achoo.
't Was on the eve before Christmas Day,
When Santa Claus arrived on his sleigh,
Into the chimney he climbed with his sack,
But he was so fat - he couldn't get back.
Oh, what a terrible plight, gangway,
He stayed up there all night.
When Santa got stuck up the chimney,
He began to yell.
Oh hurry, please,
It's all such a squeeze,
The reindeer's stuck as well!
His head's up there in the cold night air,
Now Rudolph's nose is BLUE!
When Santa got stuck up the chimney,
Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, ACHOO!
Classic Funny Christmas Carol
I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus
I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus,
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep,
Down the stairs to have a peep.
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom fast asleep!
Then, I saw Mummy tickle Santa Claus,
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen,
Mummy kissing Santa
Claus last night!
The following funny Christmas "carols" can be sung to popular Christmas tunes.
The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
To be sung to the tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
The restroom door said Gentlemen
So I just walked inside
I took two steps and realized
I'd been taken for a ride
I heard high voices
turned and found
The place was occupied
By two nuns, three old ladies, and a nurse
What could be worse?
Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.
The restroom door said Gentlemen
It must have been a gag
As soon as I walked in there I ran into some old hag
She sprayed me with a can of mace
And snapped me with her bag.
I could tell this just wouldn't be my day
What can I say?
It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
The restroom door said Gentlemen
And I would like to find
The crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign
Cause I've got two black eyes
And one high heel up my behind
Now I can't sit with
comfort and joy
Boy, oh, boy.
[The writer of the above funny Christmas song is unknown]
White Christmas by Irving
Berlin
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white.
Snowy Garden
This photograph is of Will's back garden, and was taken by his son, Alex. It reminds him of the Irving Berlin song, 'White Christmas', immortalised by Bing Crosby and regularly sung by Will's late father as he pottered at home.
Interestingly, however, the picture was taken on 6th April -not at Christmas time - furthermore, Will lives in the south of England where it rarely snows.
This snowfall was a freak.
Daddy's Home and I Think He's Drunk
Sing to the tune of: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
Oh you better not shout,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm tellin' you why;
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow,
He slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think
He's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk.
He spent most of our money
On Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest
And lost it at the track.
Sooo.... You better not pout,
You better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's...
Daddy's home
and boy is he...
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
[The writer of the above amusing carol is unknown]
Footnote: Please send us your funny Christmas carol.