Yorkshire people are a very particular breed: they can be dour, they speak their minds and they are hard working, friendly and kind. Yorkshire people refer to their county as ‘God’s own county,’ and indeed can boast some of the most beautiful countryside in Britain.
Will and Guy have attempted to give you a taste of Yorkshire humour through the following jokes:
- Unlawful and Illegal
- Classic Yorkshire Culture
- Yorkshire Cricket Joke
- Duke of Wellington – by Stanley Holloway
Unlawful and Illegal
Bob: What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal Arnold?
Arnold: Umm, illegal is against the law and unlawful is umm, when something takes place that is not necessarily against the law.
Bob: Ayup, lad. You know this is actually supposed to be comedy now. Your answer was supposed to be, ‘I don’t know Bob, what is the difference between unlawful and illegal?’ You’re rubbish at this, you want to stick to carpentry, mate.
Arnold: Well you see I’m a very intelligent person and I’m thinking of the intellectual response to that question not the umm, comical one. OK, I’ll give you the comical response now.
Bob: Let me ask you the question again: What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Arnold: I don’t know, what is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Bob: Unlawful is against the law, and illegal is a sick bird.
Ayup – Footnote
‘Ayup’, by the way, is an all purpose Yorkshire word that means Hello, How are you? Whassup? What are you up to? Look at this, Oy!, Gerroff, See that? Bloody hell! Are you listening? Watch out, Where you been? Pay attention, Wake up…………………….
Clean Moon
Peter: Why have women never been to the moon?
Howard: I’m thinking. I have a question for you Peter, why have women never been to the moon?
Peter: ’cause it never needed cleaning!
Classic Yorkshire Culture
‘Open All Hours’ is a British television production in which Ronnie Barker and David Jason play typical Yorkshire folk. The realistic ‘Northern’ character of the humour and characters is suggested as a reason for
the success of the programme.
Yorkshire Cricket Joke
A Yorkshire man had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail.
One day, he got the following telegram: ‘Regret father died this morning STOP Early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP
Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP Boycott not out ninety six.’
Yorkshire Folk: A Funny Story
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10p.” They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ‘Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?’
There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, ‘That’ll be 10p each, please.’
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, ‘That’s 40p, please.’ They pay the 40p, but their curiosity
gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, ‘How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?’
‘I’m a retired tailor,’ the bartender says, ‘and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it’s all the same.’
‘Wow! That’s some story!’ one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, ‘What’s with them?’
The bartender says, ‘They’re retired people from Yorkshire. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.’
Further Funnies From Yorkshire, England
Will and Guy recommend you read these out aloud
- Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.
Vet: Is it a tom?
Yorkshireman: Nay, I’ve browt it with us. - A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?
Jeweller: Do you want it 18 carat?
Yorkshireman: No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft beggar. - A Yorkshireman’s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words “she were thine” engraved on it. He
calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it’s been engraved “she were thin”.
He explodes, ‘Blimey man, you’ve left the “e” out.’The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason, ‘There you go sir, I’ve put the “e” on the stone for you.’ The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud, ‘E, she were thin.’
Duke of Wellington – by Stanley Holloway
The following poem is, in fact, a traditional folk song which was written in 1929 and made famous by the actor Stanley Holloway [1890-1982] It is about the period before the Duke of Wellington’s famous battle at Waterloo against Napoleon in 1815.
If you are able, it is probably best read in a northern accent:
Sam, Sam, Pick Up Tha Musket
It occurred on the evening before Waterloo,
As troops were lined up on parade.
And sergeant inspecting ’em, he were a terror,
Of whom every man were afraid.
All excepting one man, he were in’t front rank,
A man by t’name of Sam Small.
And he and t’sergeant were both daggers drawn,
They thought nowt of each other at all.
As sergeant walked past he was swinging his arms,
And he happened to brush against Sam.
And knocking t’musket clean out of ‘is hand,
It fell t’ground wi’ a slam.
‘Pick it up!’ said sergeant, abrupt like, but cool.
But Sam wi’ a shake of ‘is ‘ead.
Said ‘Seeing as tha knocked it out of my hand,
P’rhaps tha’ll pick t’ thing up instead.
Sam, Sam, pick up tha musket!
The sergeant exclaimed with a roar.
Sam said tha’ knocked it down reasonin’
Tha’ll pick it up, or it stays, where t’is on the floor.
The sound of high words very soon reached
The ears of an officer, Lieutenant Bird.
Who says to the sergeant ‘Now what’s all this ‘ere?’,
And the sergeant told what had occurred.
‘Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket !’,
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat.
Sam says he knocked it down, reasonin he picks it up,
Or it stays where’t is at my feet.
It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived,
To find out the cause of the trouble,
And every man there all, excepting old Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.
‘Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket!’,
Said Captain, for strictness renowned.
Sam says he knocked it down, reasonin he picks it up,
Or it stays where’t is on the ground.
The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel
Both tried to get Sam to see sense.
But when old Duke of Wellington came into view,
Well then the excitement was tense.
Up rode the Duke on a lovely white horse
To ‘Find out the cause of the bother.’
He looked at the musket, and then at old Sam,
And he talked to old Sam like a brother.
‘Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket’, the Duke
Said as quiet as could be,
‘Sam, Sam-Sam-Sam, pick up thy musket.’,
Come on lad just to please me.
All right Duke says old Sam just for thee I’ll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence.
So Sam picked it up. ‘Gradely lad.’ said the Duke.
‘Righto boys let battle commence.’