- Qantas Joke
More Exchanges between Qantas Pilots and their Engineers
- Qantas Joke? Letter
- Urban Myth -
Qantas have never had an accident
Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots
fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe
sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
Pilots and the solutions recorded by
Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
what they're for.
Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...
Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
The following letter was written by a retired Qantas pilot to his former
Please find enclosed a home study simulator course [HSSC] for those of you
who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline travel.
If you follow all the steps in this HSSC you will experience that 'Romance
1] Do not go to bed
2] Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, preferably in a cupboard, for 9 or
10 hours facing a 4 foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck
3] Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within
hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails,
do the appropriate restart checklist
4] Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright
spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating
flying eastbound into the sunrise
5] Have bland overcooked food served on a tray halfway through the night
6] Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time, and ask your spouse
to slam the door frequently
7] At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand
outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight
from leg to leg, teasing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.
8] Leave the cupboard after the prescribed nine or ten hours and turn on your
sprinklers in the garden and stand out in the cold and "rain", for twenty
minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car
9] Head for your bedroom, wet through and with your suitcase and flight bag.
Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait
while the maid makes up the hotel room
10] When your spouse inquires, 'Just what in the hell have you been doing?'
just say, 'Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places.' as you
collapse into bed
11] If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around,
so do this two nights in a row. Above all 'Enjoy Yourselves.'
For years Will and Guy have perpetuated the urban myth that Qantas are
the only major airline that have never had a serious accident. Then
Ken Sanford kindly wrote in putting the record straight. Given the
number of accidents the myth would seem to be a master stroke by the Qantas
I don't know where it came from that 'Qantas has never had a fatal
accident', but it is not true--it is an urban legend. Qantas has had a
number of crashes in its history, some of which resulted in fatalities. The
following is a list of Qantas accidents:
25 Feb 1923 - Jericho, Australia - Armstrong W.FK8 - G-AUCF - no
13 Sep 1923 - Blackhall, Australia - Armstrong W. FK.8 -
G-AUDE - no fatalities
24 Mar 1927 - Tambo, Australia - De Havilland DH.9
- G-AUED - 3 fatalities
5 Feb 1928 - Camooweal, Australia - De
Havilland DH.9 - G-AUFM - no fatalities
15 Nov 1934 - Longreach,
Australia - de Havilland DH-86 VH-USG - 4 fatalities
20 Feb 1942 -
Belmont, Australia - de Havilland DH-86 VH-USE - 9 fatalities see:
http://home.st.net.au/~dunn/ozcrashes/qld115.htm for details
22 Apr 1943
- Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea - Short S-23 (flying boat) - VH-ADU 13
26 Nov 1943 - Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea - Lockheed 18
Lodestar VH-CAB 15 fatalities
11 Oct 1944 - Sydney, Australia - Short
S-23 (flying boat) VH-ABB - 1 fatality
18 Nov 1944 - Sydney, Australia -
Short S-23 (flying boat) VH-ACD - no fatalities
23 Mar 1946 - Between
Colombo, Ceylon and Cocos Island - Lancastrian - G-AGLX (was being operated
by Qantas) - 10 fatalities
22 Jan 1947 - Schofields, Australia - Lockheed
14 Electra - VH-ADT - no fatalities
11 Feb 1948 - Condamine, Australia -
Lockheed 10 Electra - VH-AEC - no fatalities
7 Apr 1949 -
Dubbo, Australia - Avro Lancaster - VH-EAS - no fatalities
11 May 1949 -
Kerowagi, Papua New Guinea - Avro Anson - VH-BBZ - no fatalities
1951 - Lae, Papua New Guinea - de Havilland Drover 2 - VH-EBQ - 7 fatalities
13 Dec 1951 - Yaramunda, Papua New Guinea - De Havilland DH.84 - VH-URV - 3
24 Aug 1960 - Port Louis, Mauritius - Lockheed Constellation
1049C - VH-EAC - no fatalities see:
23 September 1999, Qantas
Flight 1, a Boeing 747-400 (VH-OJH), overran the runway while landing at
Bangkok, Thailand, during a heavy thunderstorm. The aircraft ended up on a
613 Championship Drive
Oxford, CT - USA 06478-3128
Telephone & fax 1 203 888 9237
If like Jim you have a good Qantas Pilot joke, then contact Will and Guy (Email address at the bottom)