Andy told me he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him, "What was the name of his other leg?"
- Classic, Short English Jokes
- An Englishman Irishman....
- Ten Short English Jokes
- The Problem with Speaking English
- Laugh Along At The British
- Funny English Jokes
Right and WrongMrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?" Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
- Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
- What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.
- They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
- An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant. 'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.
Funny English Jokes from Yorkshire
- Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Alf replied, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."
- At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"
- Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
- Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
- Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
- What is the longest word in the English language? 'Smiles'. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
- Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares.
- Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end? The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
- There are four kinds of people in the UK : i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on; ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours; iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway. iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
- What do you do if you are driving your car in central London and you see a space man? Park in it, of course.
- What government agency is responsible for finding lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
- Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop - a lot of fish got battered.
- Last night a man fell into a barrel of beer and drowned - he came to a bitter end.
- Did you hear about the man who was convicted of stealing luggage from the airport? He asked for twenty other cases to be taken into account.
A Funny British Pub Name: The Quiet Woman A Splendid Example of an Oxymoron?Could this village be twinned with Headless Cross, in Worcestershire, England?
Replacement Windows - A Funny English JokeLast year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I". Paul: I is the... Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is." John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.