Will and Guy have collected the finest examples of Irish humour.
- O'Malley and the Scuba Diver
- O'Connor and the Fierce Dog
- Which of These Do You Think Is the Funnier Irish Joke?
- Funniest Irish One-liners
Mick and Paddy Visit LondonMick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve. 'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick. 'Why's that Mick?' responds Paddy. 'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?' 'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?' 'No,' says Mick, 'but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.'
Cutting the GrassMichael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.' 'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate. 'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.
Funny Irish FarmersFirst Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it. Second Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole? First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
An Amusing Waterford WifeA Waterford wife, Pauline, was keeping a close eye on her new neighbours. 'They seem perfectly devoted to each other,' she opined to husband, Ryan. 'He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the window. Why don't you do that?' 'But, I hardly know the woman,' was Ryan's reply.
The Irish in SpaceDonncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac, where are we goin?' MacArthur replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.' 'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?' 'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says MacArthur, 'the man said we'd be going at night.'
Irish Mothers ChatTwo Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons. Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.' Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.' 'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.' 'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'
The Irishman and The VentriloquistA ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.' 'I'm sorry sir, I...........' 'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'
- I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
- 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
- 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
- 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
- 'I'd like some nails', Mick requested of the travelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
- 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
- See many more Irish Jokes - One Liners
Funniest Irish Short StoriesOf all countries, Ireland probably has the richest seam of story tellers, here are some good examples of their tall stories.
The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires. On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'. The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was. The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?
- a) Sparrow
- b) Thrush
- c) Magpie
- d) Cuckoo?"
The Irish Mastermind ChampionPaddy, Deion and Bruce were three passengers in a light plane. The aircraft got into difficulties and they needed to bale out, unfortunately there were only parachutes. The first, Paddy, was the Irish Mastermind Champion. The second, Deion, was an American Hall of Footballer. The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion. The conversation went thus, Paddy said, 'There have been many American Hall of fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Mastermind Champion. So I'll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one'. With that Paddy took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by now was in considerable distress. 'How shall we decide who has the last parachute?', Deion asked Bruce.' No worries', Bruce said, 'Yonder Irish Mastermind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack'.
- An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?' 'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
- An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
- Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
- 'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?' 'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'
I Dream of Erin IsleWhenever I dream, It seems I dream Of Erin's rolling hills Of all its lovely, shimmery lakes And little babbling rills. I hear a colleen's lilting laugh Across a meadow fair. And in my dreams It almost seems To me that I am there O, Ireland! O, Ireland! We're Never far apart For you and all your beauty Fill my mind and touch my heart.
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