Will and Guy have collected the finest examples of Irish humour.
- O'Malley and
the Scuba Diver
- O'Connor and the Fierce Dog
Which of These Do You Think Is the Funnier Irish Joke?
- Funniest Irish One-liners
Even though O'Malley was a licensed scuba diver, he finally got an answer
to a question that had annoyed him for decades.
Here it is.
Harold, an American tourist, asked his friend Murphy, 'Why do Scuba
divers always fall backwards off their boats?'
To which Murphy replies, 'If they fell forwards they'd still be in the
Funny Announcement from Dublin
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths are planning to close lanes 5 and 6.
Mick and Paddy Visit London
Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their
first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.
'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick.
Mick?' responds Paddy.
'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a
complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and
then offer you to spend the night at their house?'
'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?'
Mick, 'but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.'
O'Connor was sitting in Ward's Irish bar, Piccadilly, London with a large
Rottweiler at his feet.
'Does your dog bite?' asks Murphy.
'No,' replies O'Connor.
Murphy pats the dog who almost rips his arm off completely.
screams Murphy, 'you said your dog didn't bite, O'Connor.'
my dog Murphy,' concludes O'Connor.
Cutting the Grass
Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy
Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'
'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.
Funny Irish Farmers
First Irish Farmer:
My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
Second Irish Farmer:
Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
An Amusing Waterford Wife
A Waterford wife, Pauline, was keeping a close eye on her new neighbours.
'They seem perfectly devoted to each other,' she opined to husband, Ryan.
'He kisses her every time he goes out and even blows kisses to her from the
window. Why don't you do that?'
'But, I hardly know the woman,' was Ryan's reply.
The Irish in Space
Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have
just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac,
where are we goin?'
MacArthur replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a
mission to the sun.'
'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a
bit hot, it being the sun and all?'
'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says MacArthur, 'the man said we'd be going
Irish Mothers Chat
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and
he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'
Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he
not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of
liquor in all that time.'
'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'
'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to
throw him a big party.'
The Irishman and The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton
Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're
making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'
'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'
Sean Muldoon loved his dog, Willy, and he walked the dog constantly
When Muldoon and Willy would go on their walks, they would stop to talk
to just about everyone they met along the way. Naturally, everyone in town
eventually knew both Muldoon and Willy. This went on for years.
One sad day Old Sean Muldoon went on his usual walk, but this time he
walked all alone without Willy.
Patrick O'Halloran was the first to spy Old Sean without his faithful
companion. 'Where's Willy?' asked O'Halloran.
'Tis a sad day 'tis, Patrick,' replied Muldoon. 'I had to put poor ol'
Willy down, I did. I loved that dog dearly.'
'Oh no,' cried O'Halloran,
'Did he go rabid? Was he mad?'
'Well, he was none too pleased,' replied
Snakes in Ireland
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.
- I ran after you, but when I caught up to you you'd gone.
- 'What's wrong with Murphy?' asked Father Green. 'I don't know, Father. Yesterday
he swallowed a spoon and he hasn't stirred since,' said Mrs Murphy.
- 'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's
about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
- 'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Betty McGrath. 'I bought
a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
- 'I'd like some nails', Mick requested of the travelling tinker. 'How long would
you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said
- 'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
- See many more Irish Jokes - One Liners
Funniest Irish Short Stories
Of all countries, Ireland probably has the richest seam of story tellers,
here are some good examples of their tall stories.
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He
was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me
when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with
just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to
visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit
me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,'
'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job
you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
The Fame of Red Adair (Overheard by Denis)
At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known
fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig
On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took
advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the
bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't
that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.
The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a
pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red
and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? To which Red said he was.
The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and
towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
- a) Sparrow
- b) Thrush
- c) Magpie
- d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, ''so I'll use my last lifeline and
phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the
question to him.
"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's a cuckoo."
"Of course I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go
with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick
invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because everyone knows he lives in a clock!"
[Funny how one funny Irish strory reminds you of another]
The Irish Mastermind Champion
Paddy, Deion and Bruce were three passengers in a light plane. The
aircraft got into difficulties and they needed to bale out, unfortunately
there were only parachutes.
The first, Paddy, was the Irish Mastermind Champion.
The second, Deion, was an American Hall of Footballer.
The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.
The conversation went thus, Paddy said, 'There have been many American
Hall of fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals,
but there has only ever been one Irish Mastermind Champion. So I'll take the
first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one'. With that
Paddy took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by
now was in considerable distress.
'How shall we decide who has the last parachute?', Deion asked Bruce.' No
worries', Bruce said, 'Yonder Irish Mastermind Champion has jumped out with
When my older brother, Shay, was very young, he always walked up to the
church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, 'What does the priest
say when he gives you the bread?' Mum whispered something in Shay's ear.
Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest
doesn't say, 'Be quiet until you get back to your seat.'
- An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask
an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
you that?' asked Paddy.
- An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
- Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin'
in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm
gettin' closer all the time.'
- 'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran,
'but it keeps fallin' off.'
This yarn sums up Irish humour: irreligious without being offensive.
The Irish have a gift form making an illogical argument funny.
I Dream of Erin Isle
Whenever I dream,
It seems I dream
Of Erin's rolling hills
all its lovely, shimmery lakes
And little babbling rills.
I hear a
colleen's lilting laugh
Across a meadow fair.
And in my dreams
To me that I am there
O, Ireland! O, Ireland!
Never far apart
For you and all your beauty
Fill my mind and touch my
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