Funny Quotes From Employee Evaluations

1. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered in a trap.
5.  When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
6.  He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7.  This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
8. She sets low personal standards, then consistently fails to achieve them.
9.  This employee should go far --- and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Ten More Funny Quotes From Employee Evaluations

1.  Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.  Then he fell out of the family tree.
2.  A room temperature I.Q.  If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
3. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
4.  Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5.  A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6.  A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7.  A prime candidate for natural de-selection.  It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
8.  Bright as Alaska in December.
9.  If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
10. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but he only gargles.

Employment History

• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
• I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
• I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.
• I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
• I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
• I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.
• I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
• I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
• I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
• I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
• I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
• I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
• I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
• I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
• I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.
• I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.