Funny Political Jokes

Crime does not pay … as well as politics.  Alfred E. Newman.

Incidentally, at first I thought this picture was of a man holding a ventriloquists dummy, not a politician kissing a baby.

• Funny Political Jokes
  and One-Liners
• 
  Surprising  Funny Political Jokes from Famous People
• More Funny
  Political Jokes and One-liners
• Tory or Labour? – Political Cats
• Funny Economic Jokes

Funny Political Jokes and
One-Liners

• ‘The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.’Will Rogers
• ‘In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.’Thomas Pickering
• I believe that
  people would be alive today if there were a death penalty.
  Nancy Reagan
• When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’Theodore Roosevelt (Could have been any number of presidents since)
• Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and
  there is some evidence that they can’t read them either.
  Gore Vidal
• On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.’
  Alexis de Toqueville
• ‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy’.Ernest Benn

More Regular Political Jokes

• ‘There’s
  no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you’.
  Will Rogers
• ‘Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk’.Edgar A. Shoaff
• ‘You can fool all of the people all of the time if
  the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.’Joseph Levine
• Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest
  political news.
• ‘Politicians are the same all over. They
  promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers’.Nikita Kruschchev
• ‘Artificial hearts are nothing new.  Politicians have had them for years.’Mack McGinnis
• Don’t
  vote. You’ll only encourage them.
  Anon
• ‘Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.’George Mitchell.
• A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
  Mark Twain
• When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things
  to be bought and sold are legislators.  PJ O’Rourke
• Crime does not pay … as well as politics.
  Alfred E. Newman
• See more funny politician jokes

Surprising Funny Political Jokes from Famous People – Who Should Have Known Better

‘This
telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?’
American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.

‘Edison’s
electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy
of practical of scientific or practical men’.  British Parliamentary society set up to investigate electric lighting in 1878.

‘X-rays are a hoax’.
Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society in 1900.

Odd, Amusing and Funny British Political Fact

10 Downing Street* is one of the most heavily protected buildings in
Britain.

Apart from the “decorative” policeman, the front door cannot be opened at
all from the outside because it has no handle, and no one can enter the
building without passing through an airport-style scanner and a set of
security gates manned by armed guards.

Despite this, Will and Guy have heard that in the first five years after
Tony Blair became Prime Minister [1997 -2002], 37 computers, 4 mobile
phones, two cameras, a mini-disc player, a video recorder, four printers,
two projectors and a bicycle were stolen from inside the house.

*Number 10 Downing Street, in London, is the residence and office of the
First Lord of the Treasury and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Political Comment – ‘Politician-speak’

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a
lot of noise but doesn’t work very well. – Len Deighton

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason. – Unknown

What Do You Know? How Much Is A Billion?

Will and Guy are fascinated with
the easy way in which politicians regularly and often throw out the number:
“billion” in interviews and conversations. How much is it? What does it mean
to us all?

The next time you hear a politician use the word “billion”
casually think about whether you do, or don’t, want that politician spending
your tax money.

• A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an
  advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective for
  us all in one of its releases:
• A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
• A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
• A billion hours ago, our
  ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
  And………………..
• A
  billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington
  spends our money.

More Funny Political Jokes and One-liners

A nationwide poll held in the UK was commissioned by ‘UKTV History’ to mark
the publication of the political journalist and commentator Andrew Marr’s
History of Modern Britain. Almost 3,000 people were asked for their opinion.

Will and Guy show below the top ten results. We guess that
you will find them amusing, funny, in part hilarious and sometimes quite
strange; in fact, exactly like our politicians.

1) Boris Johnson [Elected Mayor of London in 2008]: ‘I have as much chance of
becoming Prime Minister as being decapitated by a Frisbee or of finding Elvis.’

2) John Prescott [Former Deputy-Prime Minister]: ‘The Green Belt is a Labour
initiative and we intend to build on it.’

3) Harriet Harman [Cabinet Minister]: ‘Tony Banks described the English fans
arrested in Marseilles as brain-dead louts – that goes for me as well.’

4) Robin Cook [Former Foreign Secretary]: ‘They found more dangerous chemicals
in Coca-Cola’s Dasani mineral water than they did in the whole of Iraq.’

5) Harold Macmillan [Former Prime Minister]: ‘It has been said that there is no
fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But the young fool has first to grow
up to be an old fool to realise what a damn fool he was when he was a young
fool.’

6) Boris Johnson: ‘Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly
legal drugs. It’s time for a rethink, and the Tory party – the funkiest, most
jiving party on Earth – is where it’s happening.’

7) Margaret Thatcher: ‘I am extraordinarily patient,
provided I get my own way in the end.’

8) Michael Howard [former Cabinet Minister]: ‘You are the deals-on-wheels Prime
Minister – no wonder the Chancellor is not a happy eater!’

9) David Blunkett David is supposed to be a sad, lonely, old, blind b*****.
David’s not meant to have fun or go to nice restaurants or – heaven forbid –
have s**.

10) Edward Heath [1970’s Prime Minister]: ‘Do you know what Margaret Thatcher
did in her first Budget? Introduced VAT on yachts! It somewhat ruined my
retirement.’

Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest
political news.

Footnote:
Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny political jokes.