Funny Fitness Workouts

Lose weight and have a laugh.

• Will’s Funny Fitness Workout
• An Effective Workout
• Amusing and Funny
  Fitness Tales and Jokes
• A Diet is a Weigh of Life
• Funny Diet Quotes
• When you know it’s time to diet

Will’s Funny Fitness Workout

The Doctor has told Will that he should start a fitness programme.

……..and Will, not wanting to harm his old, rather corpulent, body,
has decided to put the following weekly regimen into practise:

Day 1

Beat around the bush several times
Jump to conclusions all the time
Climb the walls
Wade through the daily paper from start to finish

Day 2

Drag my heels constantly
Push my luck all the time
Make mountains
out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head regularly

Day 3

Bend over backwards
Jump onto the latest bandwagon
Run around in
circles all day

Day 4

Advise the Prime Minister how to run the country
Blow my own trumpet
constantly
Pull out all the stops for just today
Add fuel to the fire

Day 5

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth regularly
Start the
ball rolling often
Go over the edge in the evening

Day

Pick up the pieces
Raise the roof
Lift a pint many times
Skip
the washing up

Day 7

Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Raise my hands in
praise
Hug and cuddle someone and encourage them
What an amazing
workout!

See Will’s Funny
Fitness Workout in Action

An Effective Workout

Jack, decidedly overweight, and not at all bright, asks Doctor Mayo at
Portchester Health Centre, for help in losing weight. The doctor advises
Jack to run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, she promises, will help
Jack lose as much as twenty pounds in a month.

Jack, naturally very excited, follows Doctor Mayo’s advice to the letter,
and, after thirty days, he is delighted to find that he has, indeed, lost
twenty pounds.

Delighted, Jack ‘phones Doctor Mayo and thanks her profusely for the
wonderful advice which had produced such a tremendous result.

At the end of the conversation, however, he asks one last question, ‘How
do I get home now, Doctor, since I am some 300 miles away?’

Hiring a Fitness Coach

Hiring a good fitness coach can be a challenge, but it’s not hard to tell
if you’ve hired the wrong one. Look for these signs. If any of them are true
about your fitness coach, you’ve definitely hired the wrong one.

• 10. He insists a bag of Doritos is necessary for doing crunches.
• 9. After you explain your fitness goals, exclaims, “Oh, you meant
  physical fitness!”
•  8.Has designed a special resistance machine to train your
  “love muscle.”
• 7. His business card states he works for “Belly Total Fatness,” and
  those aren’t typos.
• 6. He can’t seem to compliment your progress without adding “…for
  a fat guy.”
•  5. Occasionally says something like, “What do you say we cut
  this set short and you help me polish off this box of jelly-filleds?”
• 4. His stamina training involves you jogging to the package store
  and toting back a case of Bud Light.
• 3. Uses a McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper as a bookmark in the
  training manual.
• 2. Makes a beeping noise like a truck backing up every time you walk
  across the room.

And the Number 1 reason…

• 1. Has a workout regimen that involves you pushing him and his
  out-of-gas car around town so he can run errands.

Ten Excellent and Funny Thoughts About Walking

1. Walking 20 minutes can add hours to your life. This enables
   you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at
   $8000 per month.
2. My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was
   60…………………….Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
   annoy me.
4. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
   what I’m doing.
5. I joined a health club last year, spent about 450 dollars. Haven’t
   lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
6. Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out
   with chocolate.
7. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a very
   small country.
9. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years………………..just
   getting over the hill.
10. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a
    “Happy Hour” and by the time I leave, I think I look just fine.

You could walk this over to your friends but it’s less hassle to just
e-mail it to them.

Will wanted to include this last quote: I don’t jog…………. it makes
the ice jump right out of my glass.

Amusing and Funny Fitness Tales and Jokes

Repartee

This story is allegedly true, and is about one of the finest
athletes Will and Guy have ever seen: Michael Johnson.

Apparently the Olympic gold medal runner was on his way to a night club
with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said, ‘Sorry,
mate, you can’t come in here, no denim allowed.’

Michael was quite upset at this and retorted, ‘Don’t you know who I am?
I’m Michael Johnson.’ ‘Then it won’t take you long to run home and change,
will it?’ concluded the bouncer with finality.

Repartee Take 2

John, a regular runner, asks his wife, Jayne, ‘What do you love
most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?’
‘What I love most about you,’ responded Jayne quickly, ‘is your enormous
sense of humour.’

A Hilarious and Funny Story About Joggers

Paula had been driving all night and was still at least six hours away
from her destination. It was almost ten o’clock in the morning and she was
extremely fatigued. After dozing off and nearly crashing into a telephone
pole, she decided to pull into a lay-by and rest. Paula switched off the
engine and closed her eyes and drifted off, gratefully, to sleep.

As she did an old man in a bright yellow jogging tracksuit knocked on her
window, scaring her half to death. ‘Sorry to wake you, ma’am,’ he huffed,
jogging on the spot, ‘But can you tell me what time it is?’

Paula glanced at her watch. ’10:00,’ she answered through the window.

The old man thanked her, then left.

‘Just my luck,’ she muttered. ‘I’m parked on someone’s jogging route.’
With a sigh, she settled back into her seat and tried again to fall asleep.

Two male joggers in their thirties knocked on her window. If she hadn’t
been so dead tired, she may have found them attractive. Now, they were just
annoying.

‘Hi,’ said the first.

‘Do you have the time?’ his fair-haired friend asked.

Paula let out a big sigh and said, looking at her watch. ’10:08.’

‘Thanks,’ they smiled as they jogged off.

Paula looked down the road and saw more joggers coming her way. Now
irritated, she found a pen from the glove box and scrawled: ‘I DO NOT KNOW
THE TIME’ on the back of a magazine.  She put the hastily constructed sign in
the window and settled back to sleep.

Soon a thin, pale jogger knocked on the window just as she had started
dozing off.

Paula pointed at the sign and shouted, ‘For goodness sake, can’t you
read?’

To which he replied, ‘Sure I can, ma’am.  I just wanted to let you know:
It’s 10:15.’

Diet Water

A Diet is a Weigh of Life

• It’s not the minutes spent at the table
  that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
• The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
• The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat.  It’s watching what other people
  eat.
• An excellent way to lose weight is by skipping … snacks and dessert.
• See more about ‘Diet a Weigh of
  Life’

What Will’s Therapist Says:

Will’s therapist told him that the way to achieve true inner peace was to remember to always finish what he started.  So today,  Will has finished 2 bags of potato crisps, a gallon of ice-cream, two buckets of chicken, and a chocolate cake.  He feels much better already.

Some Thought Provoking Quotes: Funny Diet Quotes

• Oh! that this too solid flesh would melt.  William Shakespeare
  
• Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Alexander Woollcott
  
• Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a
  90 ft Redwood.  Erma Bombeck
• All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.  John Gunther
• Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.
   Voltaire
• Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz
• We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink.
  Epicurus
• The more you eat, the less
  flavour; the less you eat, the more flavour.  Chinese Proverb
• Avoid fruit and nuts. You are what you eat.  Jim Davis
• Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter, and in wine.
   Polish
  Proverb
• See more funny quotes.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny workout or funny
diet quotes

Moderate
Exercise Such as Walking “Boosts Memory Power”

Walking
for 40 minutes a few times a week is enough to preserve memory and keep
ageing brains on top form, research shows, Will and Guy have read recently.

Moderate exercise increased the size of the hippocampus, an area of the
brain that makes memories, in 120 volunteers. The year-long trial, published
in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, showed performance on
memory tests also improved.

Exercise may buffer against dementia as well as age-related memory loss.
The latest work looked at healthy people in their 60s rather than people
with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia.

In the UK, 820,000 people have dementia, and this figure is set to double
by 2030.

Until a cure is discovered, finding cheap and simple ways to reverse this
trend is imperative, say experts.

Did Fitness Work Out?

A Generous Diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing
the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.

As time
progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they
found their error.

There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: ‘Serves 6’.

When It’s Time to Workout!

Footnote:
Please send us your funny fitness workouts.