Clean Jokes

We aim to amuse you.  We strive to startle, but not to shock.
We try to tickle your fancy, yet not to offend.  For this purpose we have collected whole website of funny clean jokes.  This page is just a sample of the wide range of the humour that Will and Guy offer.

• Drop Dead
• Five Amusing Shop Signs
• Clean Jokes from the Classroom
• Funny Clean Police Jokes
• Amusing Stories
• Guy’s Tale of the Three Bags
• Silly Puns
• Another Batch of Funny Clean Jokes

Funny Clean Jokes – Drop Dead

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?’

They draw straws.  Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one.  They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. ‘Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me’, announces Cavan.

He goes over to O’Toole’s house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O’Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: ‘Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.’

‘Tell him to drop dead!’ snarls Brenda. ‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Cavan.

Classic Yarn – Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said,
‘We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.’

The Englishman responds, ‘I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.’

The Irishman replies, ‘I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.’

The Welshman answers, ‘I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.’

The Scotsman says quickly, ‘I’d like to be shot first.’

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
2. Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
3. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
4. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
5. Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he come pronto.’

Clean Jokes from the Classroom

Five School Excuse Notes

1. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
2. Please excuse Emma for being absent last week.  She had flue so I had her shot.
3. Please excuse Eddie from P.E.  Yesterday he fell out of a sycamore tree and misplaced his hip.
4. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
5. Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Know your Apples

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray…

‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

School Fee Increase

An English public school was forced to raise its fees.  The headmaster, Mr Jackson decided that the best way to raise the extra money
was to institute an across the board 6% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when his secretary typed the letter, she missed out a crucial
‘n’ in the last word, consequently, the letter read thus:

Dear Mr Elsworth

Due to increased costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the school fees by 7% per anum.

Yours sincerely,
J.B. Jackson (Headmaster)

The following month, one concerned parent replied by saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.

Yours sincerely
W.K Elsworth

Funny Clean Police Jokes

Police Officer in Court

Q: Policeman, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Something Missing?

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, ‘He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, ‘Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, ‘Yes, but who wants HIM back?’

Amusing Stories

Parents Give a Great Send-off

Young Tony was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Manchester station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.

‘The next train is in one hour,’ intoned the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Tony had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away.

‘Next one is sixty minutes from now,’ grunted the stationmaster.

An hour later, Tony, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.

‘Your parents just left you,’ said the stationmaster. ‘Why are you laughing?’

Tony smiled, ‘They only came to see me off.’

Funny Supermarket Story

This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket.  Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails.

1. Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store.
2. Say to her, ‘Excuse me, can you help me?  I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere.
   Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?’
3. The pretty girl will ask: ‘Why?’
4. You reply: ‘Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.’

It’s Barbie Time

I was waiting at a customer services station at Asda when a woman in front of me was returning a disposable barbeque.  When asked why she was returning the barbeque, she replied, ‘There was no meat in in it.’

The shop assistant patiently explained that the disposable barbeque was simply to cook the meat and it did not include any food.  Whereupon, the customer looked very embarrassed indeed.

The assistant checked the receipt and asked: ‘There are 3 barbeques on here, are you returning the other two as well?’

‘I can’t’, said the woman, ‘they are at home in the freezer’.

More Funny Clean Jokes

Guy’s Tale of the Three Bags

At the airline check in at London Heathrow, Guy has three bags.  He puts them down and says to the young lady, ‘I’d like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong and the last one to Durban.’  Her face shows signs of confusion before her training
takes over and she says, ‘I’m afraid we can’t do that, sir.’

‘Why not?’ demands Guy, ‘you did the last time I flew with you.’

How to Get Really Smart

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marvelled at the owner’s quick wit and intelligence.

‘Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?’

‘I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone, ‘Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear.’
But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.’

‘You sell them here?’ the customer asks.

‘Only $4 apiece’, says Simon.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

‘You didn’t eat enough, ‘says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s
back and this time he’s really angry.

‘Hey, Simon, ‘he complains, ‘you’re selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you’re ripping me off!’

‘You see?’ says Simon, ‘you’re smarter already.’

Rubbish Ambition?

I recently asked a friend, ‘Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?’

‘Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector’, my friend replied.

I had to think about that one for a moment. ‘That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career,’ I finally managed to reply.

‘Well,’ said the boy’s father, ‘he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays’.

Funny Frog Joke

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

It’s a Dog’s Life – Funny Clean Joke

One evening, Bill and Jackson’s wives decided to dine out a new Chinese Restaurant.  Jackson’s wife Julie was inseparable from her Pekingese dog called ‘Pepe’.  So Took took Pepe along with them to the restaurant. Whenever they went to their usual restaurant the manager’s wife looked after Pepe while they ate, and they thought it would be no different this new restaurant.

Julie and her friend Rachel, gave Pepe to the owner and went to their seats. They ordered their meal, had a few drinks and eventually their meal arrived. They were mortified when it turned out to be their beloved Pepe surrounded by Chop Suey.

As the owner explained the next day to Bill and Jackson, they thought that Julie and Rachel wanted the chef to cook the dog, not look after it while the women dined.

Characteristics of Happiness

Optimism
People who are optimistic, by definition feel happier about the future as they assume things will be better than they likely will be, even in the face of a negative past.

Contented
People who are not bothered by the past or future can also just be happy in the present moment. Worry about the future
is a common creator of unhappiness, and stopping worrying can give you a huge boost.

Humour
Those with a sense of fun and who can laugh, especially at themselves, are generally happier.

Laughing at yourself implies a sound sense of security with a reduced tendency to worry, which in turn contributes to happiness.

Achievement
People who challenge themselves, seeking to learn and achieve find pleasure not only in reaching their goals but also
in the struggle and focus to get there.

They often set both smaller and larger goals, enabling them to get a sense of achievement in each of the little steps along the way to the
greater joy of achieving something significant.

Caring
People who are altruistic, caring for others and spending time helping them often find great happiness in this.
Caring for others gets you out of yourself and stops you worrying. Seeing others who are less fortunate than you can also provide motivation.

Integrity
Being true to yourself creates internal alignment and reduces inner conflict that prevents you from being truly happy. This helps to explain how caring works — if you have an internal Values that says ‘caring is right’, then by caring for others you increase internal alignment.

Gratitude
People who are grateful for their lot in life and who show gratitude towards others for the things they receive have been found to be happier. Notably, thanks can be found in many religious prayers.

Activity
When people keep busy they are often happier than those who slow down, watch TV, surf the net and other less active
things.

Activity reduces time for moping, adds interest and increases the chance of meeting others and finding happiness in new areas.

Two Funny Funny Clean Camouflage Jokes

An Excerpt taken from the “Irish Army Camouflage Manual”An Excerpt taken from the “Irish Army Camouflage Manual”

1. When the soldier is moving through woodland, he’s supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet.
2. When he is moving through cornfields, he’s to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet.

   

3. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he’s supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage.

………………………And There’s More……………

Gordon, an occasional hunter, visits a gentleman’s outfitters and asks,
‘Do you sell camouflage jackets?’

‘Yes, indeed,’ replies the salesman, unfortunately we can’t find them.’

The American and the Welsh Farmer

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales.  He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth.  At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

‘How big is your spread?’, asked the American. ‘Well look you, it’s about 20 acres he said’. Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm’. ‘
Dew dew’, said the Welshman, ‘I once had horse like that, but sent him to the knackers yard.’

Amusing One-Liners

1. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
2. Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
3. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.
5. Confucius say, ‘Man who sinks into woman’s arms; Soon has his arms in woman’s sink.’
6. I intend to live forever – so far so good.

Drôle News Items

1. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
   pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
2. A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: ‘This product not intended for use as a dental drill.’
3. Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last
   month: a short circuit in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

   ‘This is even worse than last year,’ said the distraught homeowner, ‘when someone broke in and stole my new security system.’

4. Small Fry?
   On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist.  They’ve obviously never been to the ‘Chips ‘r Us’ fish and chippy on the Sutton Road.
5. Free puppies: part German shepherd, part dog.

Silly Puns

• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn’t find any.
• ‘Deja Moo’: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Amusing Joke from our Lawyer Pages

True Courtroom Exchanges

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Another Batch of Funny Clean Jokes

Something Missing?

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, ‘He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, ‘Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, ‘Yes, but who wants HIM back?’

A Sign You’re Drunk

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round – you’re drunk!

Footnote: Please send us your funny clean jokes