Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. Oscar Levant
Here is a selection of our clean short jokes for November:
Our mission is to amuse you with a wide variety of funny clean jokes, amusing anecdotes and thought provoking images. We also aim to
surprise, but never to shock or offend.
Clever Wise Words
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
A Woman Should Have ......
A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
One friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
See more 'A Woman Should Have..'
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.
Chicken - or Duck?
Clean Short Story Kindly Sent in by Alan Turnham
Rhoda and Harry go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise.' The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded
cast iron pot. Just as Rhoda is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband, Harry. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. Harry reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' stammers the waiter, 'what you order?'
Harry replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry, is mistake' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
Ice cream not smooth enough
Manuel Oliveira owned an ice cream shop in Mérida, Venezuela; and he reported that he sold 567 flavours, including onion, chilli, beer, eggplant [aubergine], smoked trout, spaghetti and parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavours fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
The Doctor has told Will that he should start a fitness programme.
........and Will, not wanting to harm his old, rather corpulent, body, has decided to put the following weekly regimen into practise:
Beat around the bush several times
Jump to conclusions all the time
Climb the walls
Ten rules for a happy marriage:
- The woman always makes the rules
- These rules are subject to change without notice
- No man can possibly know all the rules
- The woman is never wrong
- If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
- The man must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding
- The woman can change her mind at any time
- The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
- The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
- At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.
Parachute troops drop in to jail reports Metro online July 2007
Heavily-armed troops parachuted into a Colorado prison, but they were not staging a daring rescue they had simply landed off target. Military officials said the 25 Special Operations Command forces were on a training mission. Their target was Fremont County Airport but they ended up in a field in the grounds of Fremont Correctional Facility instead.
Thankfully, armed prison guards were able to identify the incomers as soldiers and held their fire, but the defence department refused to say exactly who they were. 'We don't know who they were and I'm not sure we'll ever know who they were,' said the Colorado Department of Corrections. 'Everyone acted appropriately.'
Please send us your clean November jokes.