His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West
Clean and Funny Jokes for April
Call Center Classics
Marriage and Relationships
Money in Muck
Rules of Life
Strange But True
Here is a selection of our clean and funny jokes for April:
Our mission is to amuse you with our clean and funny jokes. While we aim to surprise, we never want to offend or shock you.
Wash it Again
My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.'
'Good, 'my dad quickly replied.'
Wash it again.'
Rules of Life - Clean Funny One-liners
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Actual call centre conversations!
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
Funny Indian Humour
Gullu Bhai was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
'What can I do for you?' Gullu politely asked.'
Are you selling something?'
'No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Enumerator.'
'A Census Enumerator. We're trying to find out how many people
there are in India.'
'You're wasting your time here. I have no idea.'
Funny Put Downs
1) He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
2) He - Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
She - Okay, get out.
3) Better a witty fool than a foolish wit: Shakespeare
4) She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman: Oscar Wilde
Best of the Best Heroic Failures
a) The worst homing-pigeon: This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.
b) The least successful exhibition: The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents held an exhibition at Harrogate, Yorkshire in 1968. The entire display fell down.
c) Mark Ashby was given a blue Mohican hairstyle by his parents as a reward for hard work at school in Omaha, Nebraska. The school then suspended him for breaking the dress code.
Clean Call Center Joke - Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
Funny Prayer for Easter
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. USA. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.
'I don't have to,' the five year old replied.
'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'
Fridge for Sale?
Raymond, from Woodley, Reading, Berkshire purchased a new fridge. The local council wanted £20 to remove his old fridge in an environmentally friendly fashion, so in order to save money he put it in his front garden with a sign that read, 'Free to a good home. You want it, please take it.'
The fridge stood untouched for 4 days.
Raymond changed his tactics. He made a sign saying, 'Fridge for sale - £50.'
One day later the fridge disappeared: stolen.
Please send us your clean and funny jokes