The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. Nicholas Butler
Here are samples of our clean jokes and one-liners for May
Experts found that people were more happy on May 18 than any other day of the year. The reason is because it is spring, the days are sunnier and longer, and there is a Bank Holiday soon.
Qantas Pilot Jokes
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Psychic
Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac?
He knew in advance what he was going to forget
Funny Eye Test
A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied – ‘I know the fellow.’
Did you know that
- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
- The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
- Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
- City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong
Lesson in Employee Relationship
Steve Cleary was in his early 50’s, retired and had started a second career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.
‘Steven, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you’re being late so often is quite a worry.’
‘Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.’ replied Steve.
‘I’m pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It’s odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?’
‘They said, “Good morning, Admiral.” ‘
Funny Newspaper Headlines
- Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a man!]
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
Give Microsoft a chance
Customer: ‘I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.’
Tech Support: ‘Tell me what You’ve done.’
Customer: ‘I typed A:SETUP.’
Tech Support: ‘Ma’ am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.’
Customer: ‘It says [PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.
Tech Support: ‘Insert the MS Word setup disk.’ Customer: ‘What?’
Tech Support: ‘Did you buy Microsoft Word?’
Customer: ‘No…’
In my day: Clean One-liners
‘———- ‘ grass’ was mowed,
‘———- ‘ coke’ was a cold drink
‘———- ‘ pot’ was something your mother cooked in and
‘———- ‘ rock music’ was your grandmother’s lullaby?
‘———- ‘ Aids’ were helpers in the Principal’s office?
‘———- ‘ chip’ meant a piece of wood
‘———- ‘ hardware’ was found in a hardware store and
‘———- ‘ software’ wasn’t even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us ‘ old and confused’ and say there is a generation gap… and how old do you think I am?
License your doorbell says taxman:
A Dutch man has been ordered to buy a dog license because of his barking doorbell. Gerrit Bruintjes has a computer controlled doorbell of
the family home in Oldenzaal, reports a Netherlands news portal. It can play 15 different ‘chimes’ but he has it set to bark like a dog in
honour of the family’s pet German shepherd which died a few years ago.
A tax inspector recently called at the home when they were out and, after ringing the bell, left a demand for them to buy a dog license. Mr
Bruintjes said, ‘Last year we had big trouble in convincing the tax inspector, we have no dog in the house, and this year we had to go
through the same thing again. My wife arrived a minute later and had big trouble convincing the tax inspector we had no dog at all.’
Silly book titles:
- The Dogs’ Dinner by Nora Bone
- The Cliff Tragedy by Eileen Dover
- French Windows by Pattie O’Dors
- Forestry by Teresa Green
- Olympic Games by Arthur Letics
- How to Make Honey by B. Keeper
- Easy Money by Robyn Banks
- Gunfire by R. Tillery
- Long Walk by Miss D. Buss
Footnote: Please send us your clean jokes and one-liners