Nobody believes the official spokesman… but everybody trusts an unidentified source. Ron Nesen
Here is a selection of our clean hilarious jokes for June :
This month’s material combines hilarious jokes with clean funny stories. We also aim to entertain – even astonish, but never to shock or cause offence.
Hilarious Medical Jokes
Anaesthetist
Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter’s, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anaesthetic when a nurse asks him how he’s
feeling.’ I’m O.K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery.’
‘What did he say?’ asks the nurse.
‘OOPS!’
Funny Signs
- In a restaurant window just outside Brixham, Devon, UK: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
- In a health food shop window in Los Angeles, USA: Closed due to illness.
- In a pub in West Sussex which is non-smoking: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
New Police Numbers that Will and Guy dial
112: The Bloke Who’s Just Moved In Over The Road is renovating his house and the builders sometimes talk loudly about football at 8.15am.
113: Your postman has dirty fingernails and looks as if he might have once been in prison.
114: You’ve finally seen the Bloke Who’s Just Moved In Over The Road. It’s OK, he’s white, but you still don’t like the cut of his jib. Maybe he’s
unemployed.
Pants on Fire
An angry husband who threw old clothes into the garden and set fire to them because he couldn’t find any clean underpants accidentally burnt his home down. Ivo Jerbic, 55, from Prikraj, near Zagreb, Croatia, told police he had lost his temper after failing to find any clean underpants in a cupboard full of old clothes. He had thrown them all in the garden and set fire to them. He told police, ‘My wife never throws anything out, I just lost my temper.’ The fire spread to the house which burned to the ground.
Croatian news agency Hina reports that Jerbic could end up in jail for up to eight years for putting other family members in danger, even though no one was injured.
Wrong Train – Clean Hilarious Joke
A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.
‘No’, I admitted.
‘Then that explains’, she said, ‘why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.’
A Mother of a Small Boy Says:
1. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
2. Super glue is forever.
3. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
4. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
5. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens
The Great Piano Escape
Little Ben came into the house with a new harmonica.
‘Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?’
‘Of course not, Ben. I love music. In fact, when your Grandma and I were young, music saved my life.’
‘What happened?’
‘Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit our house, it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.’
‘How about you?’
‘Me? I accompanied her on the piano!’
Things that you ought to know
- There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness’.
- People who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.
The Cadge – Clean Joke
Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul’s house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him
‘Peter won’t get away with it this time, ‘muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, ‘Watch this.’
‘Er, I wonder if you’ d be using your hedge trimmer this morning?’ asked Paul the neighbour.
‘Crikey, I’m terribly sorry, ‘said Paul with a smug look, ‘but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.’
‘In that case, ‘smiled Peter, ‘you won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?’
Footnote: Please send us your clean hilarious jokes