Funny Letters to Government Agencies in the USA

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers

• Examples of Funny Letters Sent to USA Agencies
• Government Agency – Dam
  Problem
• Allegedly a true story
• Funny Letters to
  Government Agencies

These examples are taken from letters written to various government agencies in
the USA:

1. Dear Sirs,
   Please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When
   do I get my money?
3. Mrs Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly
   by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay.  I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband, who was reported missing, is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with
   can’t do a thing until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is
   a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I
   hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was
    a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an
    immortal life.
12. My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any
    relief since.
13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
14. I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and
    day.
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
    enclosed envelope.
16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor
    for 2 weeks and he hasn’t done me any good. If things don’t improve I will have
    to send for another doctor.

Government Agency – Dam Problem

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a
pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy’s response is
hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response
letter, you won’t stop once you start. WOW Love this man.

This is an actual letter: State of Pennsylvania’s letter to Mr.
DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ … File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2013.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

 Mr. DeVries Response

Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/12 has been handed to me. I am the
legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run,
Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining
two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I
did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they
would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of nature’s
building materials ‘debris.’

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I
do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren’t the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation – so the State will
have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing
them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition
please contact the beavers – but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to
read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2013? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area it is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are
going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not
careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

This is
allegedly a true story researched by Guy and Will

The name of a two-year-old boy was listed on the country’s list of wanted suspects. He was briefly banned from getting on a plane bound for Turkey. The details on the toddler’s passport had been the same as
those in an arrest warrant, even the date of birth.

‘While going through the passport checking procedures to get on board, one of the officers on duty said they wanted to take Suhail,’ Emirates Today quoted the
boy’s father, Abdullah Mohamed Saleh, as saying. ‘I thought he was kidding me and said ‘Take him if you want’. He showed me a print-out of a document that said Suhail was wanted and there was an arrest warrant
for him.’

Officials said they would investigate the cause of the mix-up.

Funny Letters to Government Agencies

Funny Newspaper Cutting about Government Finance

That’s the way to do it: spend $250,000 to tell people why they need to
raise taxes.

Fish Need Water Says the Federal Government

Hilarious Government Logic
[2 Tales sent to Will and Guy by regular reader
– Aaron Spennymoor]

1) On the day Aaron immigrated to the USA, he was given an alien ID card
that featured a lovely photo of himself at the age of 15. Some years later,
when he went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated his
card.

‘What will you do with it?’ his wife, Rebecca, asked.

‘We burn it!’ came the abrupt answer.

‘Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?’ pleaded Rebecca,
who had not known Aaron when he was 15.

‘Certainly not,’ said the “jobsworth” clerk. ‘This card is official U.S.
government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it’s destroyed.’

2) Sadly, no one is safe from receiving the dreaded *pink slip.

Recently, a job application came across my desk at the federal personnel
office in Washington, D.C. It was written on a standard form, which includes
the question, “Why did you leave your previous employment?”

The applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded, ‘The express wish of
116,000 voters.’

* A form to complete to explain why you are leaving employment

Footnote:
Please send us your funny letters, especially if they
feature government agencies.