Funny Newspaper Headlines

Here are funny headlines from famous newspapers.  Their meaning is not quite what the editor had in mind, nevertheless, they gave Will and Guy a chuckle.

• Funny Newspaper Headlines
• Newspaper Headlines –
  With Subtitles
• Unusual,
  Strange and Funny Newspaper Headlines

Funny Newspaper Headlines
Researched by Alan Turnham

• Something Went Wrong in Plane Crash, Expert Says
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Juvenile Court to Try
  Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn’t
  Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Enfield (London) Couple
  Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

More
Funny Newspaper Headlines – With Subtitles

• Miner Refuses to Work after Death
  [That-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so!]
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
  [He probably IS the battery charge!]
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  [What a man!]
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  [Weren’t
  they fat enough?!]
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  [Taste like chicken?]

Unusual, Strange and
Funny Newspaper Headlines

Unknown source: Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung.

Unknown source: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

Aberdeen Evening Express: At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster
radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He
replied that he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any
help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

The Times: A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.  A coastguard spokesman commented,
‘This sort of thing is all too common.’

The Daily Telegraph: Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about
a large gas bill, a spokesman for North-west Gas said ‘We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas
used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’

BBC news online: Researchers at Leicester University discovered that playing
songs such as Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’, and popular
1950s standard ‘Moon River’ to cows succeeded in relieving tension – and
boosting milk yields.

De Groene Amsterdammer: A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders [about
$240USD] for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the
Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was
passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow
became a ‘four-legged flame-thrower’ and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay.
Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000USD.The cow was unharmed.

Manchester Evening News: Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform
at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail
ticket.

Barnsley Chronicle: Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his
fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul
Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, who
had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of
the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been
unable to get his leg over.

Belga [the Belgium news agency]: man suspected of robbing a jewellery store in
Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school
at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Daily Telegraph: In a piece headed ‘Brussels Pays £200,000 Pounds to Save
Prostitutes: the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes’ pocket,
but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training
them for new positions in hotels.’

Footnote:
Please send us your funny newspaper headlines.
We are also interested in amusing Small Ads