If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball  Jack Lemmon

• Ten True But Very
  Funny Golfing Quotes
• Golfing Quotations From
  The Famous
• Funny Comments and
  Golfing Truisms
• Funny Golf Stories
• Golfing Jokes
• Funny Golfing Quips by Caddies
• Will and
  Guy's Top Eighteen Celebrity Golf Quotes

Ten True But Very Funny
Golfing Quotes

1. I'll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the
   clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine - Bruce Lansky
2. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated
   than that - Gardner Dickinson
3. I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm
   having a terrible time getting out of them - Harry Tofcano
4. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play - Anon
5. Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money - Lee Trevino
6. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil - Unknown
7. If you think it's hard to meet new
   people, try picking up the wrong golf ball - Jack Lemmon
8. I'd like to
   see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the
   rough, not just me - Seve Ballesteros
9. Golf! You hit
   down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The
   lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks - Anon
10. Golf is a game
    whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons
    singularly ill-designed for the purpose - Winston Churchill

Golfing Quotations From The
Famous

• Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
• It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
• Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
• These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
• If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball: Jack Lemmon
• If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
• The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
• I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose: Gerald Ford
• After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi
  Rodriguez

Golfing Joke - Below Par?

After a
particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth
hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.

As he was
walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him
and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes
ago?'

'Yes', Robert answered

'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of
bounds and completely off the golf course?'

'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned.

'Well', said the
policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed
through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed
into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach
the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do
about it?'

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close
my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'

Funny Comments and Golfing Truisms

• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it!

• A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's
  luck.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play
  worse.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is
  actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his
  ideas about the golf swing.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is probably
  not yours.
• Golf balls are like eggs; they're white, and they're sold by the
  dozen. Also you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• Never try to keep more than 200 separate thoughts in your mind
  during your swing.
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt: for a 10.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is
  like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut
  Rules of Golf.
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look
  down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching
  the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• Hazards attract, fairways repel.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six
  or a seven, the probably shot an eight.

More Golfing Quotations

• The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. -
  Ben Hogan
• The difference in golf and government is that in golf
  you can't improve your lie. - George Deukmejian
• Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. -
  William Wordsworth
• You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my
  ex -wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands
  works. - Lee Trevino
• Golf is played by twenty million mature
  American men whose wives think they are out having fun. - Jim Bishop

Mr Angry - Golfing Tale

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said', You must be the worst caddy in the world.'

'That would be too much of a
coincidence, sir', answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

Funny Golfing Quips by Caddies

1. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
   Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
   
2. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this
   course.
   Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
3. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
   Caddy:
   "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
4. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
   Caddy: Eventually.
5. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
   Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
6. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time.
   It's too much of a distraction.
   Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a
   compass.
7. Golfer: How do you like my game?
   Caddy: Very good
   sir, but personally, I prefer golf.
8. Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
   Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.
9. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
   Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
10. Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
    Caddy:
    It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

Golf Handicap

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club's annual dance he
attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting
to her.

'You know,' smarmed Ralph, 'they're all afraid to play me.  What do you
think my handicap is?'

'Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph ?'  Came her quick
response.

Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say
About Golf

• I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to
  play on Saturday too.
• Listen, I make enough money for the both of us.
  Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6.
• I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.
• Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

Will and
Guy's Top Eighteen Celebrity Golf Quotes

The Front Nine

1.  Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your
   foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. Grantland Rice
2.  Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
   childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to
   count past five. John Updike
3.  It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the
   world is when one is playing golf. Robert Lynd
4.  If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the
   game of golf would be played far better than it is. Horace G. Hutchinson
5.  They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is
   more complicated than that. Gardner Dickinson
6.  If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they
   do a golf club, they'd starve to death. Sam Snead
7.  Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. William
   Wordsworth
8.  If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. Dean Martin
9.  If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it
   ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going
   back to pick it up. Tommy Bolt

The Back Nine - Funny Golf Quotes

1.  Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally
   responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. Bishop Sheen
2.  I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes,
   they'd come up sliced. Arnold Palmer
3.  My handicap? Woods and irons. Chris Codiroli
4. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a
   flag stick on top. Pete Dye
5.  I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time
   getting out of them! Buddy Hackett
6.  The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
   Billy Graham
7.  It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while
   they are still rolling. Mark Twain
8.  Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. Harry
   Vardon
9.  May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
   Ben Hogan

More Golf Jokes
and Golf Pictures

Please send Will and Guy your favourite golfing
quotation.