Fathers Day Jokes

• Things You Will Never Hear a Father Say
• The Vocabulary of a Father
• The Stages of Fatherhood
• The Vocabulary of a Father

Things You Will Never Hear a Father Say

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend.  Why don't you invite a dozen friend around for a party. You know darling daughter, now that you're fourteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates.  Won't that be fun?

The Vocabulary of a Father

• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into.
• Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
• Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.

More Father's Day Humour

Over the centuries fathers have given their children plenty of good advice; here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing. COLUMBUS'S Father: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You could have written. MICHELANGELO'S Father: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling? NAPOLEON'S Father: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it. GOLDILOCKS'S Father: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this Goldie? ALBERT EINSTEIN'S Father: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...? THOMAS EDISON'S Father: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed! HUMPTY DUMPTY'S Father: Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No! See more Father's Day jokes.

Dermot's Story

Dermot McCann forgot his lines in a Sunday school play.  Luckily his is Father was in the front row especially to prompt him. He gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Dermot's memory was completely blank. Finally, he leaned forward and whispered the cue, 'I am the light of the world.' Dermot beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, 'My Father is the light of the world.'

More Father's Day Jokes

The Stages Of Fatherhood: [Will and Guy do not agree with all these sentiments]

4 Years Of Age - My daddy can do anything. 8 Years Of Age - My dad knows a lot. 12 Years Of Age - My father doesn't really know quite everything. 14 Years Of Age - Naturally, father doesn't know that, either. 16 Years Of Age - Father? he's hopelessly old-fashioned. 18 Years Of Age - That old man? She's way out of date. 25 Years Of Age - Well, he might know a little bit about it. 35 Years Of Age - Before we decide, let's get dad's opinion. 45 Years Of Age - Wonder what dad would have thought about it. 65 Years Of Age - Wish, I could talk it over with dad.

A Father of a Small Boy Says

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
• A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh' , it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• Certain Lego'swill pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
• Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
• The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
• It will, however, make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

English Gentlemen

In 1912, Country Life wrote that 'few words come to convey so beautiful a meaning as that of "Gentleman".' English gentleman never shows-off.  Any blatant self-promotion would immediately  disqualify one from being a gentleman.  In this respect becoming a gentleman is rather like the reverse of Groucho Marx quote: 'I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member'. However, down the years English gentlemen have exhibited surprising and amusing behaviour. I was astonished to read that Edwardian gentlemen circa 1905 had a penchant for tattoos, I was amused to discover that a partridge was their favorite motif.  Apparently, these gentlemen had a shot of cocaine to ease the pain of the tattooist's needle. Moving forward two decades, I spotted this advice on crocodile shooting etiquette, 'No compunction need be felt in shooting crocodiles, for where so common it is a constant worry to the natives'.  As Algeron pointed out to me, no gentlemen would ever read a books on etiquette, they just absorbed how to behave by osmosis from the gentry who came to their stately homes. What caught my in Mark Hedges recent article published in the times was this: 'No gentlemen would ever wear pink socks'.  An idea that I beseech the women in my life to extend to shirts and even cardigans. Mark Hedges finishes with this wonderful anecdote, which distils the essence of an English gentleman.  A member of a club in London posted a notice on the board demanding that the nobleman who stole his umbrella at once return it.  When a fellow member asked how he knew that the culprit was a noblemen he replied: "Sir, the rules of this club state that it is for noblemen and gentlemen. And no gentleman would have taken my umbrella." See more jokes for Father's Day

Father's Day and Fathers' Day - No Joke!

Regarding the use of the apostrophe, our logic is that we remember one's Father, thus Father's Day.  In British English, as opposed to American English, it's also possible for a group of people to celebrate their Fathers' Day. While this usage of the apostrophe is grammatically correct in England, it's not in common usage. Footnote: Please send us your Father's Day jokes and funny stories.