Fathers Day Jokes




Things You Will Never Hear a Father Say

Your mother and I are going away for the weekend.  Why don't
you invite a dozen friend around for a party.

You know darling daughter, now that you're fourteen, you'll be ready for
unchaperoned car dates.  Won't that be fun?

Father - The Old Days

In 1913, a happy meal was when a father told funny stories around the
dining table.

In 2014, a happy meal is what dad buys at McDonald's.

The Vocabulary of a Father

  • Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
  • Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
    strained carrots.
  • Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
  • Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
    though they're sure you're not raising them right.
  • Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do
    everything we say.
  • Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small
    bodies wearing dry shoes into.
  • Show Off: A child who is more talented
    than yours.
  • Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
  • Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.
Mothering Sunday

More Father's Day Humour

Over the centuries fathers have given their children plenty of good
advice; here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.

I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You could have written.

MICHELANGELO'S Father: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have
any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

GOLDILOCKS'S Father: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family.
Do you know anything about this Goldie?

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S Father: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?

THOMAS EDISON'S Father: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and
get to bed!Father's Day Jokes

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S Father: Humpty, If I've told you
once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

See more
Father's Day jokes.

Dermot's Story

Dermot McCann forgot his lines in a Sunday school play.  Luckily his is
was in the front row especially to prompt him.

He gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not
help. Dermot's memory was completely blank. Finally, he leaned forward and
whispered the cue, 'I am the light of the world.'

Dermot beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, 'My
Father is the light of the world.'

Quotation to Ponder

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want
to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller

More Father's Day Jokes

The Stages Of
[Will and Guy do not agree with all these

4 Years Of Age - My daddy can do anything.
8 Years Of Age - My
dad knows a lot.
12 Years Of Age - My father doesn't really know
quite everything.
14 Years Of Age - Naturally, father doesn't know that,
16 Years Of Age - Father? he's hopelessly old-fashioned.
Years Of Age - That old man? She's way out of date.
25 Years Of Age -
Well, he might know a little bit about it.
35 Years Of Age - Before we
decide, let's get dad's opinion.
45 Years Of Age - Wonder what dad would
have thought about it.
65 Years Of Age - Wish, I could talk it over with
Father's Day Jokes

A Father of a Small Boy Says

  • A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
  • A 3-year old boy's
    voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  • When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh'
    , it's
    already too late.
  • Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  • A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old
    man says they can only do it in the movies.
  • Certain Lego'swill pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
  • Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  • Super glue is forever.
  • No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
    swimming pool you still can't
    walk on water.
  • Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  • Garbage bags do not make good
  • Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  • You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
  • The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
  • The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  • It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  • Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
  • 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Ponder This ....

Question: On which day of the year are the most collect calls*?

Answer: On Father's Day.

* Reverse charge phone calls in the UK

Father: A banker provided by nature.

English Gentlemen

In 1912, Country Life wrote that 'few words come to convey so beautiful a
meaning as that of "Gentleman".'

English gentleman never shows-off.  Any blatant self-promotion would
immediately  disqualify one from being a gentleman.  In this
respect becoming a gentleman is rather like the reverse of Groucho Marx
quote: 'I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member'.

However, down the years English gentlemen have exhibited surprising and
amusing behaviour. I was astonished to read that Edwardian
gentlemen circa 1905 had a penchant for tattoos, I was amused to discover
that a partridge was their favorite motif.  Apparently, these gentlemen
had a shot of cocaine to ease the pain of the tattooist's needle.

Moving forward two decades, I spotted this advice on crocodile shooting
etiquette, 'No compunction need be felt in shooting crocodiles, for where so
common it is a constant worry to the natives'.  As Algeron pointed out
to me, no gentlemen would ever read a books on etiquette, they just absorbed
how to behave by osmosis from
the gentry who came to their stately homes.

Talking of hunting, Oscar Wilde summed up country gentleman galloping
after a fox as:-

"The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable".

What caught my in Mark Hedges recent article published in the times was
this: 'No gentlemen would ever wear pink socks'.  An idea that I
beseech the women in my life to extend to shirts and even cardigans.

Mark Hedges finishes with this wonderful anecdote, which distils the
essence of an English gentleman.  A member of a club in London posted a
notice on the board demanding that the nobleman who stole his umbrella at
once return it.  When a fellow member asked how he knew that the
culprit was a noblemen he replied: "Sir, the rules of this club state that
it is for noblemen and gentlemen. And no gentleman would have taken my

See more jokes for Father's Day

Father's Day

Father's Day and Fathers' Day - No Joke!

Regarding the use of the apostrophe, our logic is that we
remember one's Father, thus Father's Day.  In British English, as opposed to
American English, it's also possible for a group of people to celebrate their
Fathers' Day.
While this usage of the apostrophe is grammatically correct in England, it's
not in common usage.

Please send us your Father's Day
jokes and funny stories.

See more special day events:

Special day events   •
Mothering Sunday stories   •
Mother's Day jokes   •
Father's Day jokes

Grandparents Day   •
How old is grandma?   •
May Day   • Michaelmas Day   •
When is Mothers Day?

Remembrance Day   •
Sister's Day   •
Cousins' Day   •
Lady Day      •
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