- 1 How To Grow Strawberries
- 2 Young Entrepreneur
- 3 Augusts' Loser of the Month
- 4 Beware of the Parrot:
- 5 Arresting Time
- 6 Silver Pockets
- 7 Lecture Tour With A Difference
- 8 Fascinating Teaching
- 9 History and Maths Lesson
- 10 Garden birds too loud says council Jobsworth
- 11 Marriage
- 12 The Bagpuss Concept
- 13 The History of Bagpuss the Cat
- 14 August Special Events
Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, 'What've you got in your trailer?' 'Manure,' Farmer Evans replied. 'What are you going to do with it?' asked Tim. 'Put it on my strawberries,' answered the farmer. Tim replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries.'
Young EntrepreneurRobert, who was 6 years old, was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in Farmer White's garden. 'I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato,' said Robert pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. 'No, I can't do that,' replied Farmer White, 'I can get a dime for a tomato like that one.' So Robert pointed to a smaller green tomato, 'Will you take two pennies for that one?' 'Oh, yes,' answered the farmer, 'I'll give you that one for two cents.' 'OK,' said Robert smiling, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the Farmer White's hand, 'I'll collect it in a week's time.'
Arresting TimeA police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 'But officer, 'the man began, 'I can explain.' 'Quiet!' snapped the officer.' I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.' 'But, officer, I just wanted to say, ' 'And I said be quiet! you're going to jail!' A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. he'll be in a good mood when he gets back.' 'Don't count on it, 'answered the guy in the cell.' I'm the groom.'
Lecture Tour With A DifferenceAfter an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically. 'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.
Fascinating TeachingThe teacher asked her class of 8 year olds to use a sentence containing the word fascinate Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating'. Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and was fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bosoms are so big she can only fasten eight.' The teacher sat down and cried.
History and Maths LessonA bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, 'This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.' A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, 'When did that happen?' '1215', answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee whiz' - Just missed it by a half hour
Garden birds too loud says council JobsworthA great grandmother was ticked off by her local council over noise from birdsong in her garden. The official note from environmental health warned of 'a complaint alleging nuisance caused by birds singing.' Dorothy Berry, 65, of Fulham, West London, said, 'When I saw the letter I thought someone was larking about. I have a lovely garden in which the blackbirds sing in the trees and on the aerial of the house. But I really don't see what we can do about that.' The letter to Dorothy claimed the problem was caused by birdsong 'arising from your premises during the early hours'. It continued, 'In the interests of preventing any possible disturbance to nearby residents you may wish to consider if any such noise is likely to cause offence.' Dorothy has not kept birds inside her home since her beloved pet cockatiel died last year. A spokesman (Jobsworth) for Hammersmith and Fulham Council said, 'We are aware that this matter has ruffled a few feathers, but we must investigate all complaints from residents however bizarre they may appear.'
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.