One-liners
Gandhi was once asked what he thought of Western Civilisation. Gandhi replied, ‘I think that it would be a very good idea.’
A father who called his son ‘Fined Six Thousand and Five Hundred’ – the amount he had to pay in local currency in 1987 for ignoring
Vietnam’s two-child policy – has agreed to change the name. His son, now 19, will in future be called ‘Golden Dragon’.
Weather Snippets
Mexico
What is the Mexican weather report?
Chilli today and hot tamale.
Coast clear?
A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, ‘Hello? How the heck do I know? What do you think I am, a weatherman?’ He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.’
Who was that?’ asked his wife. ‘I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.’
Monday Blues
There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It’s called Monday.
British Summer Time
Summer in the UK usually:
Hallo, did you have a good Summer?
Yes indeed, we had a great barbeque that afternoon.
Nightmares?
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ‘I can’t dear, ‘she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, ‘The big sissy.’
Careers May End In This Way (Good One-liners)
- Lawyers are disbarred.
- Vicars are defrocked.
- Electricians are delighted.
- Eastern diplomats are disoriented.
- Drunks are distilled.
- Alpine climbers are dismounted.
- Piano tuners are unstrung.
- Orchestra leaders are disbanded.
- Artists’ models are deposed.
- Cooks are deranged.
- Dressmakers are unbiased.
- Nudists are redressed.
- Office clerks are defiled.
- Mediums are dispirited.
- Programmers are decoded.
Another Batch of de-railed careers
- Accountants are discredited.
- Holy people are disgraced.
- Pastry chefs are deserted.
- Perfume makers are dissented.
- Butterfly collectors are debugged.
- Students are degraded.
- Electricians are refused.
- Bodybuilders are rebuffed.
- Underwear models are debriefed
- Painters are discoloured.
- Spinsters are dismissed.
- Judges are disappointed.
- Vegas dealers are discarded.
- Mathematicians are discounted.
- Tree surgeons disembark.