Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys any more? It was declared unsafe by the Elf & Safety Committee.
- Short Christmas Jokes Which Appeal To Grown-ups
- What A Girl Wants For Christmas
- Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa
- 'Waiter - There's a Fly in My Champagne'
- Funny Christmas Jokes
- Mistletoe Joke
- Christmas Quotes
What A Girl Wants For ChristmasThe Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?' 'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly. 'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?' Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'
- There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
- No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
- Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
- You'd always work in sensible footwear.
- You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
- There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
- Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
- You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.
- You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
- No one would ask to see your job description.
More Christmas Jokes For AdultsThis is Guy's favourite tale to tell at grown-up parties. You can tell it as it is, or else you could improvise and improve the yarn depending on the nationalities present at your Christmas gathering.
- The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
- The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
- The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
- The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
- The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
- The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
- The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
- The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
- The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
- The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
- The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'
- 'Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!' Ogden Nash
- 'Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!' Charles Dickens
- 'Love came down at Christmas; Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Stars and angels gave the sign.' Christina Rossetti
- I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know, Where the tree tops glisten And children listen To hear sleigh bells in the snow. Irving Berlin
- 'I heard the bells on Christmas Day. Their old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet the words repeat. Of peace on earth goodwill to men.' Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
- Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson because he brought the house down.
- Advent sermon: 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our carol practice.
- Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
- Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. (School boy howler)
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