Adult Christmas Jokes

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys any more?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf
& Safety Committee.

• Short
  Christmas Jokes Which Appeal To Grown-ups
• What A Girl Wants For
  Christmas
• Why a Woman
  WOULD LIKE to Be Santa
• 'Waiter - There's a Fly
  in My Champagne'
• Funny Christmas Jokes
• Mistletoe Joke
• Christmas Quotes

Please note: this page features Christmas humour for grown-ups, and not risqué adult
Christmas jokes.

Short Christmas
Jokes Which Appeal To Grown-ups

1) Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

'Tiny', answers Mike.
'Why's
that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike.

(Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt - minute)

2) Snowman Jokes
What do you call a snowman in the
summer?
A puddle.

What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
Lost.

3) Christmas Presents
Of the presents received at
Christmas, one in 10 will be broken by the New Year, only 40% will make it
to March and just a quarter will be intact by next Xmas.

4) Christmas Sales
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.  Handmade
gifts for that hard-to-find person.

(Anyone who believes that
men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a
Christmas present!)

5) Christmas Pudding Notice
Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune.

Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.

6) Christmas Pizza Joke
Good King Wenceslas phoned
Domino's for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual?
Deep pan, crisp and even?'

7) Classic Christmas Joke
What did the reindeer say before
launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.
See more funny Christmas cracker jokes

What A Boy Wants For Christmas

David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy
department of Macy's one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure
your son will really love it.'

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right.  In that case
I'll take two.'

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily,
young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now,
we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she
smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for
Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of
you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

Santa's Funny Outfit

How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear
the same outfit year after year!

10
Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

1. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear
   to the office.
2. No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
3. Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.
4. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
5. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
6. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would
   remind everyone who is the boss.
7. Juggling work and family would be easy.  All your children
   would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
8. You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.
9. You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job
   requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
10. No one would ask to see your job description.

Reindeer's
Story at Christmas

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while in the summer both male and female reindeer grow antlers each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of
them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

Names of the
other Reindeer

In addition to Rudolph, Santa has nine more reindeer who haul the sleigh the other reindeer are called: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner.

See more reindeer jokes

More Christmas Jokes For Adults

This is Guy's favourite tale to tell at grown-up parties.  You can
tell it as it is, or else you could improvise and improve the yarn depending
on the nationalities present at your Christmas gathering.

'Waiter - There's a Fly
in My Champagne'

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas.
The waiter gave each
guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest
noticed that their glass contained a fly.

• The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
• The Englishman
  demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
• The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
• The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
• The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
• The Israeli caught the fly and
  sold it to the Chinese.
• The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to
  have a new glass.
• The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
• The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then
  donated to the Englishman
• The American sued the restaurant and claimed
  $50 million in compensation.
• The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the
  throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'

Mistletoe Joke

Jennifer was a pretty 18 year old girl.  In the week before Christmas
she sauntered up to the curtain counter, and was trying to decide which of
the many types of tinsel she would buy.  Finally, she made her choice
and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section.  'How
much is this gold tinsel garland'.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and
said, 'This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre'.

'Wow, that's great', said Jennifer, 'I'll take 12 metres'.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy
measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called to an old man who had been browsing through the Christmas
trees and said, 'My Grandpa will settle the bill.'

Christmas Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in
at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a
shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.'

See more funny
Christmas stories

Adult Christmas Quotes:

1. 'Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!'
   Ogden Nash
2. 'Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood
   days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!'
   Charles Dickens
3. 'Love came down at Christmas; Love all lovely, love divine;
   Love was born at Christmas, Stars and angels gave the sign.'
   Christina Rossetti
   
   
4. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
   Just like the ones I used to know,
   Where the tree tops glisten
   And
   children listen
   To hear sleigh bells in the snow.  Irving Berlin
5. 'I heard the bells on Christmas Day. Their old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet the words repeat. Of peace on earth
   goodwill to men.'
   Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Funny Religious Jokes from Christmas Crackers

• Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
  Samson because he
  brought the house down.
• Advent sermon: 'What is hell?'
  Come early and listen to our carol
  practice.
• Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?When
  Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
• Solomom had three hundred
  wives and seven hundred porcupines.  (School boy howler)

Footnote:
Please send us your adult Christmas jokes.