Plane and Pilot Jokes

Flying Blind

I was flying from Shanghai to Zhengzhou. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was slightly annoyed.  Unexpectedly, we stopped at Nanjing on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we could re-board in thirty minutes.

Airport sign

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, ‘Lee, we’re in Nanjing for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?’

Lee replied, ‘No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?’

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Flying in the ‘Old Days’

International airport sign

In the early 1930s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

‘$10 for 3 minutes,’ replied the pilot’ ‘That’s too much,’ said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.’

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, ‘I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.’

‘Maybe so,’ said the farmer, ‘But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.’

A Classic Piece of Navigation

A pilot was flying a small single-engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmarks. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around rolls down the window, and shouts to the guy, ‘Hey! Where am I?’ To this, the solitary office worker replies, ‘You’re in a plane.’

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275-degree turn, and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. ‘Simple,’ replies the pilot, ‘I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there I knew the airport was just 5 miles away.’

More Pilots Needing Help

second runway sign

A gigantic new sign was placed just under the flight path of most aircraft approaching the City of Derry Airport, Northern Ireland. It was felt, by the local council, that the aircrews needed all the help they could get.

One reason why pilots may need more ground navigation aids:

British Airways plane

Pilot Makes An Emergency Landing

According to The Australian newspaper, an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately.  A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging inside the smallest room.

Attention sign

The Priest and the Pilot

A priest dies and is waiting at the Pearly Gates of heaven. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’

The guy replies, ‘I’m Mike, a retired American Airline pilot from Chicago.’

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ So Captain Mike goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands to his full height and booms out, I am Father David, pastor of Saint Mary’s church for the last 51 years.’

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,  ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this

‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When the pilot flew, people prayed…’

This Pilot Story May, or May Not Be True – What Do You Think?

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

‘It will be waiting for you at the airport!’ he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, ‘Let’s go! Let’s go!’ The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

‘Fly over the north side of the fire,’ said the photographer, ‘and make three or four low-level passes.’ ‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!’ said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause, the pilot said, ‘You mean you’re not my flying instructor.’

Will and Guy Relax After a Day of Computing

Tennis on plane

Funny Airline Cabin Crew Announcements

Kindly Researched by Alicia Moss

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight ‘safety lecture’ a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples of funny airline cabin crew announcements:

1. On Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’

2. On a Continental Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

3. On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

4. ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

5. ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

9. ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.’

10. ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’

11. ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy with your Funny Airline Cabin Crew Announcements. For Example:

Daniel England wrote: I have an addition to your plane announcements. I was once flying into Singapore when the pilot came on, very calmly, and said: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement. We are about to land in Singapore. If you have any drugs, you will be executed.  Thank you.’ And that was it.

    Kurt H. wrote: I was flying Southwest Airlines one day back in August and the flight attendant was giving the safety speech and said, “The button over your head with the picture of a light bulb on it turns on your light, the button with the picture of the flight attendant does NOT turn on your flight attendant so DON’T PUSH IT!”

    Brian Webb wrote On an Easy Jet flight landing at Gatwick. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, for those who have just woken up, ‘Welcome to Hong Kong’

    Aircrew Layover

    A flight engineer on his first month flying the line was persuaded that all the stories he heard about pilots and stewardesses were true and that the term layover really meant what he thought it meant.

    Returning from one layover he heard the captain tell the first officer: “Wow! That Mary is some girl! I was in my bedroom when the phone rang. It was Mary who said she couldn’t open her suitcase and could I help? So I went down, opened the suitcase and she handed me a drink. Then she excused herself and went to the bathroom. When she came out she hadn’t a stitch on. What a night!”

    A few days later the same crew repeated the flight sequence and on the return the engineer overheard the first officer telling the captain: “You were quite right about Mary. It happened to me last night” He proceeded to recite the same sequence of events.

    The engineer was intrigued and excited by all this and when the same crew repeated the flight sequence he was delighted when the telephone rang and a voice said: “Oh, I can’t get my suitcase open. Would you be kind enough to come to my room to help me?”

    It was Mary and the engineer beat the world record for sprinting to her room. In no time at all he had the case open and the grateful Mary handed him a Scotch. She then excused herself and went into the bathroom. The engineer was not the sort of man to waste time. He immediately undressed and got into bed. Sure enough, about ten minutes later the bathroom door opened and Mary came out.

    She was fully clothed and followed by the rest of the crew.

    Funny Airline Cabin Crew Announcement

    Whatever goes on behind closed doors is a mystery to many but fun for fellow pilots. One airline captain was never good at making passengers feel at ease. One example is the time that an airliner in front of him blew a tire during the landing, scattering chunks of rubber over the entire runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out to clean the runway. His announcement:

    Ladies and gentlemen. I’m afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They’ve closed down the airport while they clean up what’s left of the last airplane that landed there.

    Basic Rules for Flying

    Basic Flying Rules for all pilots:

    1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
    2. Do not go near the edges of it.
    3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

    Tower to Cessna – What’s your location

    Cessna: ‘Warren tower, Cessna 37245, student pilot, I am out of fuel.’

    Tower: ‘Roger Cessna, 37245 reduce airspeed to best glide. Do you have the airfield in sight?’

    Cessna: ‘Um………tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.’

    Control Tower to Pilot

    PQ872: ‘Tower, give me a rough time-check.’
    Tower: ‘It’s Thursday, sir.’

    Pilot: ‘…Tower, please call me a fuel truck.’
    Tower: ‘Roger. You are a fuel truck.’

    Pilot: ‘Ground, LH-line 201, requesting start-up.”
    Tower: ‘Sorry, LH-line 201, we don’t have your flight plan. What is your destination?’

    Pilot: ‘To Edinburgh, like every Wednesday.’
    Tower: ‘But today is Thursday!’
    Pilot: ‘WHAT? But Thursday’s our day off.’

    Tower: ‘You have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles.’
    Pilot: ‘Give us another hint, we have digital watches.’

    Ground Control: ‘476WB, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right.’
    Pilot: ‘476WB, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don’t see the bear yet.’

    Noisy Kite?

    An RAF [Royal Air Force] engineering officer joke:

    What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and his aircraft? ‘The plane stops whining when you shut down the engines.’

    Crash Report

    My wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

    Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in a rural area because of bad weather.

    The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single-engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

    The report stated that the absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

    No one on the ground was injured.

    The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

    She was very lucky …

    Witches broom

    Exchanges Between Qantas Pilots and their Engineers

    Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
    Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

    Pilots: Target radar hums
    Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
    Engineers: Cat installed.

    Kulula Airline – Give Them a Try

    Kulula is a low-cost South African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And get a kick out of the comments at the end of the photos.

    This way up on plane
    Green plane

    “Welcome aboard Kulula 183 to Johannesburg. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

    “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

    “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

    Plane Near Miss? – Too Near Miss?

    Plane and Biker

    Is that a runway that we can see in the middle just to the left of the car?  Do the shadows confirm that it is indeed a near collision? Guy thought this was a near mess, rather than a near miss.

    Difficult Landing?

    Dancers crossing sign

    Pre-Flight Entertainment

    At the airport for a business trip, Maureen settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then she heard the voice on the public address system saying, ‘We apologize for the inconvenience, but BOAC Flight 937 will board from Gate 41.’

    Maureen picked up her luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told her that Flight 937 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

    So, again, Maureen gathered her carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as she was settling down, the public address voice spoke again, ‘We would like to thank all passengers for participating in BOAC’s physical fitness program.’

    No Smoking On This Aeroplane

    smoke and fly
    • There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight.
    • There is also no smoking in the toilets.
    • If we see any smoke coming from a toilet, we will assume you are on fire and put you out.
    • This is a free service we provide to you.

    A Difficult Landing

    The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a – ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline’

    An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard.  In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment.  However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell-shocked to say anything.

    Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ Why no Ma’am, ‘said the pilot, ‘What is it’, the little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

    Aircrew of the Month

    This next yarn reminds me of my former classmate Pete.  At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle for a job.  He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home.  Pete got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea, and drove on half an hour later.  When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot.  The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.

    From a Stingem employee….’ Welcome aboard Stingem Flight X to YYY.’ We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!’

    Then he progressed to the famous ‘ Fasten Seatbelt Routine’.  What he said was: ‘To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

    In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.

    After the plane landed, he said: ‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants’

    His final announcement was: ‘Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

    The Irish Arrive

    An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

    ‘No’, replied the Irishman. ‘It’s worse, I have I’ve lost all my luggage.’

    ‘That’s terrible, how did that happen?’

    ‘The cork fell out of my bottle.’

    Air Traffic Controller Nodded-off

    An airplane was forced to circle for more than half an hour after an air traffic controller dozed off.  The pilot of the cargo plane said he attempted several times to contact the controller for permission to land – but got no answer.

    He was forced to circle around Nice Airport in France until the sleepy controller was woken up by security officials more than 30 minutes later.   French air traffic control service DGAC described the case as ‘extremely rare’ and said the cargo plane ‘had never been in difficulty’.  An internal investigation has now been set up to find out why the controller fell asleep on the job.

    Pilot: Switch to Manual

    Pilot in cockpit

    ‘Now it must be here somewhere in the manual – ah here it is: how to land………………………..’

    ‘Cup of coffee, please.’

    ‘Certainly, that will be £90,000.’ Terminal 5 at London Heathrow Airport [LHR] opened in March 2008. There were major problems with travelers’ baggage, and many holidaymakers and business folk had to wait for hours to claim their bags. However, this was not the only problem Will and Guy had learned. Mrs Terri Patsalides, age 59, was there to meet a client from overseas; the person was seriously delayed by baggage problems, so Mrs Patsalides bought a cup of coffee at the Giraffe Juice Bar.

    The delay was so long that she drank another three cups and then called for the bill. When it arrived Terri Patsalides received an enormous shock. The printout read: 4 coffees – £361,514.97 [$717,483.79]. She protested that the bill was a little large in size: apparently, the computer had gone wrong, and seeing the funny side of the problem, the waiter, the cashier, and Mrs Patsalides were able to have a good laugh.

    Pilots Are Best of Friends

    plane on top of plane

    While nobody was seriously hurt, Will and Guy have learned that at an aerodrome just northeast of Fort Worth, Texas, USA a Piper aircraft landed on the top of another that was about to take off We have managed to find these pictures which we expect our readers to find absolutely amazing considering nobody was badly hurt in the accident.

    It has been suggested that the two pilots are, in fact, next-door neighbors and were talking together on the radio just before the crash. This is encouraged at this particular airport because it has no control tower to direct the planes. We have not been able to confirm this; we can, however, imagine them continuing their chat over the garden fence with a couple of beers, when they get home.

    plane on plane

    Our Friend the Pilot

    We have a friend who is an airline pilot.  Her name is Helga and she is a woman.  It is interesting to note that in English there is no female word for pilot. Actress yes, but pilotess no.

    Anyway, one day Helga boarded the plane and was sitting in the cockpit with the door open. A man climbed onto the plane and was just taking his seat when he looked up and saw Helga. She saw that his face turned a shade of green and she heard him say to the air steward, ‘Blimey, is that a woman I see in the cockpit?’

    Waiting a while Helga then heard the man say, ‘Well, I suppose it’s alright as long as they don’t let her touch anything.’

    Photos of Lucky Escapes from Planes

    Sunbathers Escape Beach Plane Crash  – Lucky escape

    The pilot of a light aircraft had a lucky escape when his plane crashed nose-first into a crowded Florida beach. Swimmers and sunbathers leaped for their lives as the single-engine plane plunged into Jacksonville Beach reports the Metro website.

    Plane crashed on beach

    Miraculously, no one, including the pilot and one passenger, suffered any injuries Aviation officials have begun an investigation into the cause of the crash which occurred after the plane lost power. ‘The aircraft lost power and the pilot landed the aircraft without injuries to himself, his passenger, or anyone on the beach,’ said Jacksonville Police Sergeant Tom Bingham.

    Belly Landing

    plane landing

    Emergency Landing

    Parts fly off an Air New Zealand aircraft as it hits the ground during an emergency landing in Blenheim, NZ. Photographed by Derek Flynn. Aircraft pieces flew in the air as an Eagle Airplane with 17 people on board made an emergency crash landing at Blenheim Airport on June 18th, 2007 after the landing gear failed. The flight from Timaru to Wellington was diverted to Blenheim after the fault was detected. Fire engines, ambulances, police, and other support staff rushed to the scene under a full emergency alert as the plane circled above Woodbourne for about half an hour, preparing for a crash landing. No one was injured in the crash landing.

    No Left Turn?

    No left turn sign

    Did any of these planes miss this sign?

    Lucky Escape for Plane Passengers?

    A pilot told nervous passengers traveling with a low-cost Spanish airline that nearly half the seats on their plane from Lisbon to Madrid were out of use due to a safety problem with a door, but it was nothing to worry about, a Spanish newspaper reported.

    Flight Operations Notice – From ****** Airways

    There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings.

    The titles P1, P2, and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the Operations Manual. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-Handling Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

    The Landing Pilot is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for the taxi until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Landing Pilot at 80 knots.

    The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion. Then the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot.

    The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the “Decision Altitude” call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot unless the latter calls “Go Around”, in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot continues handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of “Land” or “Go Around”, as appropriate.

    In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly.

    Submerged plane – A picture that amuses Will and Guy

    Plane submerged in water

    This was a lucky escape because the water was so shallow the pilot could wade to the shore.  Alternatively, could this submerged aircraft be beginning its descent to the lost city of Atlantis?

    Submerged pilot

    Douglas, a pilot, was well known for his absent-mindedness. He was invited to pilot a new flying boat. Douglas really enjoyed flying the ‘boat’. After spending a couple of hours in the air, Doug decided that it was time to land. He was about to make a landing on the ground when his co-pilot, Percy, reminded him that they were supposed to land on the sea.

    ‘Yes, I know. I was just testing you,’ answered Douglas, ‘I am not that absent-minded.’

    So the flying boat made a safe landing on the water. Having accomplished this, Douglas smiled broadly at Percy, opened the door, and stepped into the sea.

    Qantas Pilot Jokes

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet’, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

    Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
    Engineers: The engine was found on the right wing after a brief search.

    Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
    Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    Pilots: Target radar hums
    Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
    Engineers: Cat installed.

    Advanced Lessons: Aerobatics

    learn to fly sign

     Pilot Joke

    Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After a two-hour delay, it finally took off.

    Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, ‘What was the problem?’

    ‘The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,’ explained the flight attendant, ‘and it took us a while to find a new pilot.’

    Result of Finding a New American Pilot (See Above)

    crashed plane

     Do You Know Which Day It Is?

    An American pilot was flying the above plane over Australia when his plane malfunctioned and overshot the runway. When the pilot awoke, he found himself in bed, in an Australian hospital.

    So, the American pilot asked the doctor, ‘Did I come here to die?’ **

    ‘No,’ said the Australian doctor. ‘You came here yesterday.’

    ** In Australian ‘Today’ sounds like ‘To die’

    Qantas Joke sent in by Nigel Morris

    Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet’, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

    Pilots: The left inside the main tire almost needs replacement.
    Engineers: Almost replaced left inside the main tire.

    Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

    Engineers: Auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.

    Pilots: Something loose in the cockpit.

    Engineers: Something tightened in the cockpit.

    Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.

    Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

    Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
    Engineers: Cannot reproduce problems on the ground.

    Pilots: Evidence of leak on the right main landing gear.
    Engineers: Evidence removed.

    Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Engineers: That’s what they’re for.

    Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
    Engineers: Suspect you’re right.

    Qantas Joke? Letter

    The following letter was written by a retired Qantas pilot to his former colleagues:

    Dear All,

    Please find enclosed a home study simulator course [HSSC] for those of you who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline travel.

    If you follow all the steps in this HSSC you will experience that ‘Romance and Adventure.’

    1] Do not go to bed

    2] Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, preferably in a cupboard, for 9 or 10 hours facing a 4-foot-wide panoramic photo of a flight deck

    3] Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance, and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist

    4] Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying eastbound into the sunrise

    5] Have bland overcooked food served on a tray halfway through the night

    6] Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time, and ask your spouse to slam the door frequently

    7] At the time when you must heed nature’s call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, teasing the discomfort. Don’t forget to wear your hat.

    8] Leave the cupboard after the prescribed nine or ten hours turn on your sprinklers in the garden and stand out in the cold and “rain”, for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car

    9] Head for your bedroom, wet through and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room

    10] When your spouse inquires, ‘Just what in the hell have you been doing?’ just say, ‘Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places.’ as you collapse into bed

    11] If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, so do this two nights in a row. Above all ‘Enjoy Yourselves.’

    Regards…………………..Jim Retired.

    Parachute Dilemma

    There were three passengers in a light aircraft but only two parachutes.

    • The first, Seamus, was the Irish Master Mind Champion.
    • The second, Larry, was an American Hall of Footballer.
    • The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.

    The conversation went thus,  Seamus said, ‘There have been many American Hall of Fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Master Mind Champion.  So I’ll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one.  With that Seamus took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by now was in considerable distress.

    ‘How shall we decide who has the last parachute?’, Larry asked Bruce. ‘No worries’, Bruce said, ‘Yonder Irish Master Mind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack’.

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