Funny Relationship Jokes and Marriage Jokes

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Voltaire Will and Guy's collection of funny men and women's marriage stories, jokes and humour.

• Short Relationship Jokes
• Happy Anniversary
• Good Basis for Marriage?
• Thought Provoking Relationships and Stories
• Did You Know?
• How Do Men and Women Decide Who to Marry?
• Good Policy?
• The Natural Look
• Why Men Have Two Dogs and Not Two Wives
• Friends and Neighbours

Short Relationship Jokes

Why We Split Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.

Happy Anniversary:

'You think so much of golf that you don't even remember when we were married.' 'Of course I do, my dear, it was the day I sank that forty-foot putt.'

Good Women Are Hard to Find

Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year. Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months.' Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, 'Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.'

Good Basis for Marriage?

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. 'Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, 'the wife explained.' He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening.'

More Funny and Thought Provoking Relationships and Marriage Stories

Learn to Read the Signs

Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections. One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well. Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?' Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'

Suspicious Mind

Russ, a deeply suspicious husband, hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's affairs. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.  Although the quality was less than professional, Russ saw his wife meeting another man.  He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. Russ viewed them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.  He then watched them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. Russ saw them having fun and continually laughing together. 'I just can't believe this,' spluttered the distraught Russ. 'What's not to believe?' the detective responded. 'It's right up there on the screen.' 'I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun.' Russ replies grimly.

Ten Short Relationship Jokes

1. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
2. Love is grand... Divorce is 75 grand.
3. Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. - Swedish Proverb
4. Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. - Leo Buscaglia
5. Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings. - Miles Franklin
6. Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh!' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?' 'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.' - A.A. Milne
7. You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. - Wayne W. Dyer
8. Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. - Anonymous
9. Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus
10. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. - Mignon McLaughlin

Benefits of a Long Marriage

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the dinner celebrating it, Byron was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. 'Tell us Byron, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?' Byron responds, 'Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all.  It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single.'

What Do You Do All Day?

Eddie came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden. The door of his wife, Valerie's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, Ed found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was piled up against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the worktop, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. Eddie quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for Valerie. He was worried she might be ill, collapsed, that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and sink. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found Valerie still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. Eddie looked at Valerie, bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' Valerie again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was Eddie's startled reply. Valerie answered, 'Well, today, I didn't do it.' Footnote: Relationship story kindly sent in by Maggie Nutt

Funny Men and Women Snippets

Did You Know?

(1) In a recent poll held in the USA, American men and women were asked if they would marry the same person if they had it to do all over again. 80% of the men responded that they would marry the same woman. Interestingly, only 50% of the women responded that they would marry the same man. Oh dear! (2) Gamophobia is the fear of marriage. (3) 'When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.' - Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

How Do Men and Women Decide Who to Marry?

You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10. How would you make a marriage work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.  Nathan, age 10.

The Natural Look

The other night, my wife and I were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and enquired, 'Does this look natural?'

Another Tranche of Marriage Stories and Relationship Jokes

Why men have two dogs and not two wives

• The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
• A dog's parents never visit you.
• Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs like to do their snooping outside, rather than inside your wallet or desk.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
• If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
• If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
• Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
• Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

• If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

Friends and Neighbours

Emma and Bryan were staying at 'The Red Lion' pub near Castleton in the Derbyshire Peak District for a few nights. In the bar, during the evening, they became friendly with the hotel's odd job man, Ian, and told him how much they had grown to love the area. After several pints of beer and a couple of games of darts Ian turned to the couple and said, 'My neighbour has a nice little cottage for sale, on the edge of the village, in case you're interested.' Emma and Bryan were excited and visited the cottage the next day and despite of its run-down appearance, they were smitten with the place and bought it straightaway, "as seen." Two weeks later they moved in and naturally Ian came to see how they were settling in. 'You got a good buy,' Ian told them, 'but the cottage needs some work though. Roof leaks, plumbing's shot and the whole place needs rewiring.' Rather taken aback, Bryan scowled angrily and asked, 'Why didn't you tell us that before we bought the flippin' place?' 'We weren't neighbours then,' Ian smartly retorted.

Marriage and Children: A Funny Story

Lorna Irwin was striding down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Mara. 'Hello,' uttered the Father, 'and how is Mrs Irwin this fine day? Didn't I marry you two years ago?' Lorna replied, 'That you did Father.' The priest inquired, 'And are there any little ones yet?' 'No, not yet Father,' murmured Lorna Irwin. 'Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.' 'Thank you, Father.' A few years later they met again. 'Well, now, Mrs Irwin," said Father O'Mara, 'and how are you?' 'Oh, very well,' responded Lorna. 'And tell me,' said the Reverend Father, 'have you any little ones yet?' 'Oh yes, Father O'Mara,' answered Lorna Irwin, 'I've had three sets of twins, and four singles: ten in all.' 'Now isn't that wonderful,' rejoined Father O'Mara, 'And how is your lovely husband?' 'Oh, Basil,' she replied, 'now he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!' Footnote: Please send us your funny Relationship Jokes and marriage stories. A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. Terry Pratchett